I need solutions!

Post Reply New Topic

Hello! I am looking for a bit of advice, but I think that first I should provide a bit of background on my current situation. Currently I am a 26yr old male, and I am going to be finishing up school soon (with a second engineering degree), have very promising employment aspects after graduation, and basically have accomplished all of my professional goals that I have set throughout my life. Basically, I would say that my life is exactly where I want it to be, in all aspects except for two. When it comes to social/romantic issues, I consistently find myself in a very unsatisfying position. It has always been, in a sense, my ultimate goal in life to get married and start a family; however I see that if I do not make some changes soon I may never fully realize this dream. I would say that this is essentially the only area in my life where I feel that regardless of how hard I work at improving I always seem to end up back at square one. If I had to rate my looks, I would say I am at worst average, at best fairly attractive, and I do keep myself in pretty good physical shape so I do not believe that my appearance negatively impacts me in any way.

I always have been told, and to a degree even assumed, that as I did well in life relationships would just magically develop when least expected, but this has not been my experience in the least. I have been on a handful of dates, but none of them have ever really progressed past the introductory stages, and I have never been in a relationship. I have been diagnosed with Aspergers, which obviously makes these things much more difficult in this regard. With this said, I guess that basically what I would like advice on, is effective strategies for a person in my situation to meet women and subsequently develop relationships with them. I have read plenty both on this site and elsewhere, but I have come to somewhat of a dilemma that I feel is really self-limiting.

This dilemma is as follows: when I meet people in my personal life, be it through friends, school, work, etc., they are typically people that I associate with daily and thus I strive to develop a healthy, friendly relationship with them. Since it is incredibly difficult for me to really connect with people and develop these relations, I just feel incredibly...apprehensive about asking any of the women that I associate with so frequently out on dates and potentially impacting any of the relationships I have already developed, if that makes sense (I have actually experienced this in the past with pretty much all of women I have approached). On the other hand, alot of the advice I see involves approaching complete strangers in, say, the supermarket and asking them out. It may just be me, but that just seems, for lack of a better word, creepy and I can't imagine many people have much success with this (particularly those with less that optimal social skills). There is always online dating, which I have not tried, but I am essentially saving that as a last resort, I would prefer to actually have some degree of dating/relationship experience before trying it out (plus I don't want to place all my hope in one area so to speak)

I apologize for the somewhat lengthy post, but I hope that I was able to explain myself fully and clearly! I appreciate any advice or suggestions provided!

I cannot address the dating question directly but I will tackle the social question as well as an underlying problem that may occur after you enter the workforce.

I too was in a promising position regarding work before I graduated college although my focus on education was much lighter hence I entered the workforce at an earlier age with only one degree. The parts that I struggled with, of course, were the office politics. This damaged my ability to climb the ladder.

Please pay attention to the fact that academic life is much different than professional life. Even with your focus on engineering the social aspect of work will come into play in corporations. So the social aspect is pressing if you are graduating. Make sure you can feel the transition and are aware. I just want to let you know to look out. Jealousy, pride, over working etc. are real dangers. You know your mindset so you have an advantage I lacked.

Either way it sounds like you need to learn more about how to socialize as an aspie.

Solution? Attack this subject as if it were one of your specializations. You need to self-teach. Approach this subject like you are the student and the teacher. Have your own little curriculum. I even suggest making a book list. If you see a book you like add it on the list. Read these books within a timeframe and apply them. Don't fuss over skipping a chapter if necessary. Read your own way but at a finishing pace.

I'm interested in this same subject as well as psychology. (Here is my current list on both)

Create your own Economy – Tyler Cowen
An Anthropologist on Mars – Oliver Sacks
Brief Encounters with Che Guevara – Fountain
Everything Is Illuminated – Foer
Diagnosing Jefferson – Norm Ledgin
The Brain that changes itself – Norman Doidgel
A child called It – David Pelzer
The Feelings Unmutual, undiagnosed life of an Aspie – Will Hadcroft

Join Meetup.com and look for some self improvement groups; communication seminars etc. BONUS: Getting out there and doing something aside from work or school might expose you to your next mate. It will be someone with a similar interest right off the start. SUPERBONUS: you will really be doing this to improve and not putting up a front like the dating sites actually tell you to like pottery or something. This will allow you to do what we do best...contribute to the conversation and be interesting. After all you will have read a few books on the subject. And you know how we like to share that information.

Someone will notice. Either way you will improve. The whole is greater than the sum of its parts.

A good approach. Not dating keeps the environment stable. I would also avoid dating at work.

If you approach a woman romantically, the entire group environment is aware, and subtly shifts. If things end badly with the woman, leaving the group is sometimes appropriate.



A really suave guy can do it and make it work. It's rare though.



It's likely your best bet. Most of the women there are looking for a guy with a job/career.

You are very articulate and obviously intelligent. When you want a woman, make a profile, send out a bunch of emails, and play it cool. They will love that you're family minded and they love that you have a steady job. (Don't overstate these, but these are key.) Eventually you'll narrow down the swarm to one, and proceed from there.