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Hello all!

I'm so happy to find this forum. My boyfriend of 6 months has Aspergers. He is the first person I've known (that I know of) with this diagnosis. He is also the first man that ever understood me. We both had rough years before we met, although it's all relative. I was unemployed and broke (with a Masters degree) for 10 months, and he moved away from home after one family member committed suicide to live with another family member undergoing cancer treatment. Since then, things have improved for both of us. He and his family are healing and I finally landed a great job. Not to mention we met each other and fell in love. He has also been un/underemployed for the past year. Having gone through quite a struggle myself, being neurotypical and having good qualifications, I know what he is up against. The problem is he will not even try. He continues to refer to himself as disabled and shunned by society. He had a handful of temporary jobs that didn't end well. Finances cause issues mostly because it's hard for him to let me foot the bills, and I like to live a more extravagant lifestyle that he doesn't need. He often tells me I am 'overloading' him and I try to have a better filter on my thoughts but have yet to be successful. Is my failure to adapt going to doom this relationship? Is there anything I can do to empower him to find a job? I fantasize about the idea of being a breadwinner and having a man that can take care of the house and family. While that would be great someday, it's not gonig to happen right now. I don't want him to get a job for the status, but to give him a sense of purpose and allow him to be passionate about his life. He is so brilliant and talented, but his past seems to have crushed his confidence. He spends a LOT of time online reading current events, and I'm afraid this behavior is becoming too restrictive. He tells me I am the only good thing in his life. Can anyone relate to this relationship or to his situation? Your advice and comments are most welcome.

I know this might sound a bit harsh but a death even by suicide can be trumatic for some and you probably know this. Could he be in some kind of depression? I found my interests get more restricted when I'm depressed and can't wait until I get to do them again. Also he had temporary jobs that didn't end well and is putting himself down. Positive thinking is a great tool and could help him build some confindence. Does he have any friends in the area besides you? You could try encouranging him to go out and seeing them once a week or so if he doesn't already. I honestly just think he needs to be in a happier place and its not going to change over night.

You need to realize that you shouldn't have to do all the concession in a relationship. It has to come from both parties or the relationship becomes really one-sided and unhealthy.

Maybe you should show him how fortunate he is to have a woman like you. I, for one, would damn near kill for a woman to even just LIKE me, let alone be all over me like that. Okay, I probably wouldn't kill (even metaphorically), since i'm an unemployed basement dweller with no friends who has lost all motivation and passion for life, but the desire still exists.

It's going to take time to restore his faith and belief in himself, relationships and people, you need to be very patient and consistent and allow himself to grow naturally as a person. Show him by example and by loving him, show him that he can feel a sense of security and trust in you and in time, it will gradually build his confidence in himself and your relationship with him. Try to be suggestive about going to different places or doing activities together that will encourage an active lifestyle.

i would start by gathering ALL of your thoughts. write them all down, then bring this note (or memorize them all) with you and have a serious talk with him. you have to be direct, keep that in mind. beating around the bush doesnt work with people with aspergers, especially if they are on the 'more effected' side of the spectrum.

make sure you let him know your intentions, and that you are 100% confident if he works with you he can feel better about himself, and be more happy overall.

if he struggles to interact with people (as many of us do), try to break him out of is comfort zone as much as possible. he needs to learn to adapt in this area to be truly effective / productive in society. if, and when, he eventually learns to interact with people for extended periods of time without getting overly stressed (and being worn out, etc.), he could start looking for a job that he will have a better chance at keeping. until this point, its kind of illogical to push him into getting jobs that he cannot keep, or will not be able to adapt to. this being said, if getting a job puts him out of his comfort zone and he makes a consorted effort to adapt to his new environment, it will help him out a lot.

ive felt pretty bad about having aspergers for a long time. ever since i got the diagnosis, and still some today (working on it), i've used it as a crutch, an excuse. a lot of the time its a viable excuse, but sometimes i stretch it too far (after all, i DO get REALLY worn out from working, and being around non-family people). he needs to not use it as an excuse as much, and start to accept it and see what he can do to try his best. if he isnt trying his best, and hes just giving up all the time, his potential to be happy is severely inhibited.

try the website 'joesgoals.com'

its a 100% free website (im not affiliated, you dont need to buy this because you get it for free) to set goals, and try to work towards them and keep them. the goals can be customized, and points can be given or subtracted to add 'weight' to them. it also charts your performance, and stuff like that. its a wonderful tool for accomplishing something, setting goals, following thru on goals, and improving yourself in general. even if the goals are small, accomplishing them will give him a sense of accomplishment (go figure lol). this will make him feel better about himself, and boost his self-esteem.

on the self-esteem topic, this can be (for me, and im sure many others) a big topic. this is because most, if not all of us feel very 'different' a LOT of the time. we feel like 'outsiders' (hints the website's name). when he compares himself to other people, it directly inhibits his self-esteem. you need to reassure him that the ONLY THING that matters is that he is TRYING HIS BEST. whether or not he is accomplishing the same amount as joe shmo is, is completely and totally irrelevant. the same goes for how fit he is, how attractive he is, and everything else. the only thing he should compare himself to is himself in the past to weigh how much hes grown, and thats it (and the key is SOME growth is happening, not HOW MUCH growth).

i hope this helps

I would be as open and honest with him as possible about everything. Communicate, even about silly things that made you laugh that day. I think that is what keeps a relationship strong.

On a separate note.. is he talking to anyone for his family loss? It's a hard thing for anyone to go through, but can be harder for those on the spectrum who already find it hard to express ourselves. I had four close losses in the span of this past Aug and Sept, I myself could deal with it better. Then add in the need he feels as a man to support his gf... that's a lot of pressure. I'm not necessarily a fan of therapy, but there are lots of different forms of it. They could offer assistance in job options and training, etc. too. Might be worth looking into.

Sorry for looking at everything through the same "lens", but in my position I almost can't help doing so. Anyway, to my response:

In regards to the following:

I wonder how much it's that he considers it too materialistic or extravagant, and how much he feels pressure to act more adult and/or serious in a relationship than he feels ready to.

I agree that being depressed makes us more likely to obsess about our interests, particularly in a negative way (e.g. lashing out when we cannot pursue them). The question is, where does the depression come from?

I think for a lot of us aspies, the biggest issue behind the whole job situation is our difficulty adjusting to the different "yardsticks" we are measured by as adults as compared to when we were children. As children we were praised for studying well, being able to learn, etc., but as adults, the intellectual demands (even in technically rigorous fields like engineering) often are small compared to the need to interact with colleagues, keep organized, etc.

The fact that we seem to be judged more by our ability to fit into a perfunctory box called "success" rather than how interesting our ideas are, can make us feel like life is a sort of big "lie". I know it's a stereotype that people come to feel this as young adults, but for many aspies (and other hard-core intellectuals) this can be even more severe.

When girlfriends--or potential girlfriends--also judge us on these same criteria, it can make us feel like all our strengths that we've been admired for since we were little kids no longer matter. In addition, if we have a sense of "romanticism" tied up in a vision of pure intellectual brilliance and discovery, it can make us feel that relationships are too boring and mundane.

So, the conclusion of all this is that maybe his ability to not pay the bills would not be such a sticking point if he knew you admired the attributes he admires most about himself, and/or you find him fascinating. It may help if you took time to do some activities with him that cost no money and are totally based around creativity, discovery, or whatever else drives him. For instance, you could create art/crafts together, go for a walk, play in a park, whatever like that. Let him know that you liking to spend money on yourself is no reason you can't still revel in the simplicity of things you liked from your childhood, or that come purely from within each other's imagination.

Wow, I'm overwhelmed by all the constructive advice and insight. I feel a lot more hopeful about us than I did, and this is a great learning experience for me, since my boyfriend can't always explain the way he feels. He is just about to finish a 12-week course of counseling, which seemed like it was helping, but tomorrow is his last session and I'm worried he is just beginning to scratch the surface. I have seen some positive change from it, for example cutting out excessive drinking, which is good for both of us. I do think he has a tendancy to use Aspergers as an excuse to give up, like Tronist said, but I tend to blame this on his family, who seems to have done him a disservice by viewing him as disabled and treating him with distrust.

Biostructure, I'm glad you are seeing it through the same lens because I need help viewing things from his perspective. As someone who recently transitioned from the academic world to the 'office space', I agree wholeheartedly that intellectual capacity is sorely undervalued by employers. People tend to get jobs based on who you know, who you've worked for, and for how long. There is little to no system that can evaluate if you have good experience, or ten years experience at a job you sucked at.
I have huge qualms with the hiring practices in this country, and obviously the economy is struggling as a result. The American values have changed to focus on wealth and social skills, and our country is seriously falling behind the rest of the world! I view people with Aspergers as an untapped resource for the kind of societal shift we are in need of. I have huge respect for my boyfriend and anyone who has gone through life this way. It's easy to see how gifted he is; he's good at pretty much anything he tries. But, like Biostructure said, I need to go further to communicate this to him. I think he knows that I love him for his differences (most men I've met were intimidated by my intelligence and outspoken nature), but I know he has trouble believing me. As for activities that don't cost money, we've gone on about 10 hikes/camping trips together and its amazing. When we're out in the wilderness it's like everything else goes away. I need to come up with ways to accomplish that without driving 2 hrs out of the city (gas!) and freezing our butts off (winter!).

By the way, to ToadofSteal, have you ever tried Eharmony? Thats how we met. Seems like a possible solution to the obstacles involved with meeting someone.

So today we had a fight while we were chatting. He always uses that opportunity to tell me whats bothering him, rather than when we are face to face, which I can understand but can be very frustrating for me. He is upset that I always have to be with someone, usually a friend if he isn't around. My life seems to overload him. How can I say, opposites attract? I'm someone who needs social interaction to feel happy. I can't decide if it makes us a good match or a bad one. He does great with my friends when it's a smaller group, which impresses me, but I feel like his anxiety builds up until it's the last straw. On the other hand, I get antsy and grumpy if we spend too many nights watching netflix. He said that I make him feel like a toy, which I'm having trouble understanding. I feel like it's a result of the fact that he is mostly at my beck and call, since his schedule is always open. But I know I'm a classic Leo, stubborn and self centered. I know it's time for some compromise but I'm not ready to give up my social life.