Squandering Obvious Opportunities with the Fairer Sex

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Hello forum,


I have an issue with women who make/give me obvious go-ahead signals to chat them up that I can't ever seem to respond to, at least not in any sort of a timely fashion. And of course, if you don't "strike while the iron is hot", you generally miss your chance. That said, I am not entirely sure what exactly my issue is or what the solution is.

I am a law student who has been fairly successful in networking, dealing with clients, and interviewing for job positions. I think on the social level most people wouldn't be able to tell that there is anything unusual about me, besides that I am often quiet. I have also been told I am very good looking. I am not saying that to toot my own horn, but I have also been told I am 'super confident", yet also very quiet. Combined my with general lack of facial expressions, I would think this is why a lot of women also tell me I am "intimidating". I am also your typical aspie 25 yr old virigin who has never dated.

I'll give a few case in point examples:

1. Women and I were waiting at an elevator. She kept looking over for probably 30 seconds, and played with her hair at a rate that was about to pull her hair out in the direction of my field of vision. I didn't know what to do or so. So I did nothing, Eventually, she sighed. Stopped looking at me and playing with her hair. Sighed and finally laughed. My finest moment for sure.

2. In class next to a women. Same deal of looking over and pulling at her hair. At first she hadn't noticed me, but once she looked over the looking/hair touching began. Her perfume also went wild and started to really fill my senses. Anyway, it was in class where I was trying to pay attention and I wasn't sure what exactly to do. Also I think the Professor noticed and it became a scenario he took a look at every few minutes. That made it even more awkward. No action taken. Awesome.

3. In class next to a women, we made a bit of chit chat that she initiated. Next class, she comes wearing 2" shorts and does the whole looking at me thing and pulling on her hair. You can probably guess what I did.

Usually it doesn't bother me not to talk to those around me. I would rather, for the most part, keep to myself anyway. I also have no trouble starting conversations when I want to know about something. But these women drive me nuts for days or weeks. I don't know what the deal is, is this common Aspergers Womenitis, something specific to me, social anxiety, selective mutism, a combination of those?

Even looking back at these situations, the only thing I can think to have said is "Hey" or "Hi". Would that be sufficient, a "Hey" and a mile?
I am not going to have much to add and it would really help me a lot if they started the "small-talk" work. I don't know if that would do the trick.

Hopefully what I posted above gives some of you an idea of what I am talking about. I look forward to your advice on what the issue is and what I should do about it.


-Thanks!

My problem exactly, I think women are just being nice.

I also have the 'super confident", quiet, and general lack of facial expressions seen as "intimidating" problem.

I am thinking about making a shirt.

"Kiss me, I'm Autistic, otherwise I just won't get."

You know, I've never seen a woman who is hitting on me pull on her hair or send any of the classic tell-tale body language signals. Not a single one!

if you were confident, you would do something about their obvious signals. the problem is that you are NOT confident enough.

how to fix this? just do it! best advice evar right? but really it is. the best way to 'fix' this problem is to TALK to the girl. chat her up! if shes interested in you, not showing your immediate reciprocation tells her you hesitated. THIS BEING SAID i think it is almost better if you do not VERBALIZE that you are interested in her, but make it obvious via your body language. this way she'll know you are interested in her appearance, but you arent sure about her personality. now, in her eyes you have standards. standards that she might want to work towards (her chasing you is infinitely better than you chasing her if you want to date her, IMO).

story of my life, i just dont seem to 'get' the go-ahead signals, and even *IF* i do, which happened maybe once over the last 10 years, i'm at a loss about how to act; yet my friends usually ask me about "why i didn't go after that girl" almost every social event i go to.
one example that still is quite close to mind is the following:
about 2 years ago, a friend of mine got me far enough to ask a girl to dance, there were 2 sitting alone, and he would ask the other to reduce the awkwardness for me, i did and slow-danced for a little, but i walked off after a few minutes becouse the girl got bored, or so i thought; a few minutes later, the friend also stopped and asked me why i stopped dancing becouse "that girl was drooling all over me", needless to say; she left immediatly after that situation...

one thing that botheres me the most though, is that women dont walk up to men, yet do complain that noone walks up to them if they try to signal them to come over...

I used to get the hair pulling, looks, posing, I even had a few girls give me the stair through the eyebrows and - it seems like they're obsessed with an equally nonverbal answer.

My problem was that all through highschool I'd have a new girl interested every week "OMG he's hot....mmm...never mind, he's a weirdo". When that happens I think over, and over, and over to a person, and when it even happened through my early 20's - it does something to the way you interact with people and how much you can even trust what they're giving you. Even in my early 20's I just knew that I couldn't trust them to know what they were doing; I'd maybe try to give them a chance and talk but - nearly without fail - things fell flat when I did that. After it seemed like there were times where I did get to know a girl but at the same time - particularly if they were quiet - they just sketched me out too much, ie. I had the sense that if they saw through my social veneer the %^&* would hit the fan. They even gave me all kinds of signs of "The train's leaving the station" - I was fine with it because, I didn't feel safe with it or with them. Also one problem replaced another, up until maybe 18 or so I was weird, overmedicated, didn't make much sense. I got my social skills together air-tight, figured the world out, was off the meds, but then had social anxiety to the point of even having problems off and on in my early 20's with involuntary mutism. By the time I was in my late 20's the opportuntities for meeting people were largely already passed and I think that's where I also started noticing just how narrow a window of attraction I have.

All this can be incredibly frustrating - I know, especially if you have your guy friend's harping on you about it or constantly trying to remind you that you're not getting any younger. At the same time, particularly if you're doing your best within reason, there's really no sense in second guessing what could have happened 'if', you'd drive yourself crazy thinking that way and hypothetical prospects or opportunities blown are purely that - ie. they weren't really opportunities, just hypothetical ones.

I suppose the trick for you now is just being in the right environment where you can have a conversation and where the girl is perhaps extroverted enough that she's up for talking rather than keep all of the dialog pre-verbal.

I also have this problem, to some extent. I have had a few sexual relationships, including a past marriage. Most were from women asking me out. This rarely happens, however. Ideally, once you get the inviting body language, etc. you would be able to have a spontaneous conversation leading to getting a phone number or going for coffee to chat further. If this is not possible, you should have a few "scripts" in your mind ahead of time to start a conversation. You should also have some idea where you want the conversation to go, eventually. Respond to what she says, but then segue to asking for her number, for example. If you want to keep this initial conversation short, you might mention that you would love to chat more, but you have another class to get to. Thus getting her number would let you continue the chat on the phone.

Are sure you wasn't in the Trichotillomania support class?

Thanks for the responses so far,

I have considered online dating. But to me it seems so embarrassing. I would hate to have to have to see my picture up in public, plus any of my friends or family members could see. (This fear is probably unjustified, but there nonetheless)

I wish a few more of you had advice on what to do or say in these circumstances? Has anyone tried just looking over and smiling? Looking over, smiling, and saying hey? Something else? I would like to have some basic response so at least a chatty (plenty of them in law school) women see it as a go ahead.