How do you stop loving someone?

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You occupy yourself with worthless vain pursuits and fill the hole of true love or whatever up with silly hobbies like modifying your car so it's a 400hp race car and the like. Then you think about it less, the memory becomes more and more fleeting as time goes on. You eventually meet some other girl, who in your mind you make better than the last girl you liked, and go try to pursue her, you can then even alter your memories and go in hindsight "ah, I see that this is wrong with her personality so this is why it wouldn't work anyway." This would be called rationalizing the situation.

So yeah dude, better get ambitious and go put all your feelings into building or accomplishing irrelevant things. I bet this is why we have half the inventions and projects and achievements we do.

In my experience, I never got over my best friend. We were both interested in each other but we didn't want to risk losing what we had. And we didnt want the LDR turning into a pain [the sort you get when you can't see each other]. So I tried to force myself into seeing other guys. It never worked when I realized I could not have what I had with my best friend. Anyway long story short -- I only really got over him when I met my ex. With the ex there was so much more I had in common than with my best friend.

Sounds to me like you need to find some new people to bring into your life. Sounds harsh and I have problems connecting with people and making friends myself, so I know this is not an easy way out..

A similar sort of situation happened to me recently. I spent alot of time with a particular group of people and started having feelings for this guy. It won't work out (long story) I tried to stop hanging out with these people so I didn't see him. But I realized if I had other friends this wouldn't hurt so much. He has been a great friend and if I had other people to support me he wouldn't matter so much. If I hd other friends I wouldn't keep seeing him.

It's tough. Sometimes the right thing and the hardest thing are the same.

i don't believe that you can stay friends as a general rule that dose not mean you have any hard feelings for them or want bad things to happen to them its just too painful to be reamided of what you cant have or had but lost.

I don't think it's possible to stop loving someone completely. There's always a trace of them that remains in your heart somewhere, or on your psyche. There are people I still love from my past, I don't think that will change.

It's mainly about thinking about them less, or about feeling less pain when you do think about them. And accepting that you won't be with that person in the way you would like.

For me, it's only been time, distractions, staying away from them, new love, or a combination of those that have diminished the thoughts and pain.

Just imagine him farting, or dropping a nasty stool in the WC.

Thanks again guys. Yea I tend to fall in love with my friends too but it's never been anything like this or so mutual in so many ways. My feelings are not a secret here but they are also not returned in all the same ways. Cherishing defiantly is mutual as are our interests and and joy in interacting.

Still that horrible little critical voice in my head, I'm sure you know the one, keeps saying this is all just further proof that there is something fundamentally wrong with me. How can people click so well, share such deep secrets, experiences and just silly life stuff yet one side doesn't feel that love and closeness is enough? The little voice says "It must be you, who would want you?" Now-a-days I know this is a symptom of my condition, however; the ignorance of that fact earlier in life is what warped my social skills so deeply and left me feeling different in the sense of "wrong" in the first place.

I've been thinking for a while about what would be worse, being completely alone or keeping things as they are. It's like a pick your own adventure story, turn to 128 if you go alone "You end up owning too many cats and never leaving your house until they evicted you for your hoard" (my worst case fear scenario) Turn to 34 if you stay "Ooops the octopus sucked out your brain, soul and heart. Also you're a lush in a dead end job." (still scary and bad)

Right now I'm just lost. Thinking it might not be a bad idea to work up the guts to just lay it all out. Ask for some time apart, with any luck it'll be in a way that doesn't completely embarrass me and insult him lol. Perhapse like everyone's saying distance will help... maybe I won't lose my friend this way either : )

I was in a three year relationship, that about five months ago ended. The guy was my first love, and was my long term friend before I began to date him. I used to sob myself too sleep at night when times went bad. Now, I am stronger thanks to it, and have a successful friendship with the guy. Wasn't easy.
The key thing is time. Broken hearts need to peice themselves together again, imagine it like a broken mirror. Painstakingly slow to get every peice, and sometimes the healing will still cut at you. Distance is also important. You need to not be confronted with them until you feel strong enough, and do not have the slightest doubt that you are. Don't try to kid yourself too early on that you are ready, as you'll just shatter all over again. Some people find trying to flirt with somebody else is helpful, as it gives a confidence boost and reaffirms that you can still be attracted, and attractive, to other people. I tried this, and I must admit it helped. The key point is when one of you can be in a relationship again, and not think of the other person when with your new partner. Then you know you're ready.
I know I'm still going to have the cracks in my heart for the rest of my life, as he was my first love. I now feel confident however that there will be others that can fill them.

i have had some trouble with this before. this is from my own experience so i do not know if other people are the same way, but... when i used to try to "get over" someone i wasn't being honest with myself. the truth was, i didn't want to get over them, i wanted them to change their mind/heart and fall in love (or back in love) with me. for some reason it was not going to happen, and deep down inside i felt that it was not fair.

i had difficulty letting go of the hope, and it was the hope that kept me attached to them. on a logical level i knew that nothing was going to change, but on an emotional level i couldn't force myself to let go... because i didn't really want to let go of the hope, no matter how much i was suffering. harboring that hidden hope felt better than grieving over the absolute loss of any chance of a relationship with them. i told myself i wanted to move on, but really... i didn't.

as soon as i realised this fact about myself, i had much less difficulty moving on. it was hard to accept that my inability to get over someone (after an appropriate grieving period of course) was really my mind's own trickery. i was waiting for some kind of miracle that was going to make them come running to me.

it took a long time (and more than one embarrassing lovesick situation) to come to terms with the fact that i couldn't make myself get over anybody. all i really needed to do was deeply confront the reality that i could never, ever EVER be with that person and come to absolutely and irrevcoably accept that fact... and that was all it took to move on.

Time.

I've heard that the best way to get over a man is to get under a different one...

Just kidding, this absolutely does not work. Or maybe it does for NTs. I'm always in awe of how they seem to shrug off slights, how they rewrite the story in their heads on command. It's breathtaking. No wonder humans have survived for so long.

i do not really know what ordinary love is.
i love tammy and the animals i have befriended, and that is a permanent thing.
they will not stop loving me either.


i have not really loved many people at all in my life.
i have had few friends, and they are people i do not mind spending time with (not too much time).

i have loved my parents and tammy and animals. i could never not love them.

but i will list my friends who were the closest, and my attitude to them
__________
my first girlfriend was a girl called "chrissy", and she seemed to be attached to me like a barnacle, but it was ok. she had a drinking problem, and if i did not want to go out to the clubs she liked, she "slept" with other people who were there. i did not really care. she did not like it that i did not care and she also was annoyed that i was not interested in getting drunk and going on wild jaunts through the night.

i just lost interest in her because i did not like the life she liked, and she eventually went to rehab, and that was the end. i felt nothing about that.
_________
the next girlfriend i had was a girl called caroline , and she thought i was smart enough to believe in her hocus pocus superstitions, but the truth was i was smart enough to not believe in them. she thought i was a reincarnation of alexander the great, and i lost interest immediately, and i gave her no attention or credit, and i told her to go away. i did like her a bit, but whatever.
_________
then there was melinda. i liked her alot. she was very funny and had the best sense of humor i ever saw in a girl. it was a twisted and dangerous sense of humor, but it did occupy many areas that i also found funny.
she encouraged my ODD, because she found it so funny that she cried in laughter and she egged me on when i played with people like toys.

example: when i parked in a disabled parking spot outside the pub she wanted to go to, someone came and knocked on my window and said "you know this is a disabled parking spot don't you?"
i said "yes i do" and he said "but you don't look disabled to me", and i said "you can not see my disability", and he asked what my disability was, and i said i was blind.

melinda started to go into a seizure of laughter, and the man became angry, and i tried to shut her up so i could continue the scenario. he said "if you're blind, then how the hell did you drive here?! !?" and i said that i had a braille street directory, and then she went into paroxysms of laughter. the man stormed off to complain to the publican, and i realized that melinda had encouraged me to be a way i long ago thought i had suppressed.

i knew i was going to get into trouble if i stayed there, so i said "we had better move", and she wanted me to stand my ground, and i realized she just wanted to use me as a pawn to see what would transpire if i stood my ground, but i experienced disasters in school because of that trait of mine, and i had almost eliminated it, but she dug it up again.

i admit she made me feel very close to her because she always saw my ODD side as very amusing, and she always wanted me to behave outrageously. she was a bad influence.

i think of hundreds of ways to annoy people, and they are all amusing to me, but i now know that i can get into trouble with the law if i just play with people like they are wooden soldiers on a battle board. she did not seem to care about the consequences, and she influenced me to relax my resistance to being ODD.

an example of a random way i would make someone angry (that made her laugh until she coughed and cried):

my car was in being serviced, so we had to catch cabs that night. we were at chatswood RSL, and outside the club, there is a cab rank with many cab drivers waiting desperately for someone to hire them.

i said to her "watch this".

i got into the first cab in the rank and she got into the back seat, and i said to the cab driver "are you headed toward cronulla?", and he said "yes yes yes i am headed that way for sure", and i said "damn!! ! i am wanting to go to hornsby", and i told melinda to get out so we could hire the cab behind, and he yelled at me "wait wait" , and i said to him" cronulla is in the opposite direction to where we want to go sorry".

she laughed so hard that she became breathless, and the second cab in the rank refused to take us because of her behavior.
i realized i had to stop seeing her because i felt like she would lead me into trouble.
i have no fond memories of her now.

whatever, this is a failure of an answer and i will terminate it here.