Bar Trouble

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Here's a situation I've been running into lately at bars: An attractive woman introduces herself to me. We talk in depth, flirt and there is no hint or mention of any significant other. That is, until her significant other shows up out of nowhere almost 10 minutes into the conversation, almost stalkerish and with a jealous look.

So in future situations like these, do I scan the room for any scowling men behind me or ask the woman's relationship status up front (and risk coming on too strong)?

Did the boyfriend try to shake you down for money? Did the woman seem to enjoy the confrontation?

It's a game called "Let's You and Him Fight". A woman approaches you at a bar. She close dances with you. She sits in your lap. She locks her lips to yours. Wow, You must be a hot guy, right? So you respond in the same manner. Abruptly, she leaves then returns with boyfriend/bouncer/sexual harassment councilor. She then points at you and claims indignantly, "He was bothering me" Now you are the bad guy, and she gets to take pride in her ability to mess up another man's mind while simultaneously giving her boyfriend an opportunity to assert his caveman-like territorial imperative over her. Blow her off right from the start.

It's never come to violent confrontation or a shake down, though one time there was a woman who kept mentioning that I was hot "like Harry Potter" (Daniel Radcliffe) and all of a sudden I am informed by the (supposed) best friend that her husband will "kick my ass" if I don't leave.

Maybe take a wingman along? Then you have back-up and a witness if you need it? The danger in knocking back all comers is that you might miss a keeper. As for asking about relationship status: I think it's appropriate to ask if they have a fella before you buy them any drinks.

Bingo. I don't go to bars alone, my brother-in-law and friends are usually present and on my side.




Alright. I'll try to be more cautious from now on, depending (of course) on how many drinks I've had.


Thanks for the advice, Cozysweater.

I mostly stopped going to mainstream bars and clubs. There's nothing good about them: the guys are macho, the girls are stuck-up, bouncers act like jerks, bartenders ignore me, and all in all, it's simply not worth the money you spend there. There were good experiences, like making out with a girl minutes after I started dancing with her, but they happened once or twice a year.

I now go to Latin dancing clubs. It's like night and day. People are friendly, bouncers are strict but polite, bartenders serve me quickly, and the atmosphere is very fun and energetic. People come there to dance and have a good time, rather than hang out with their friends and show off to other people. More often than not, it's even acceptable to dance with someone's girlfriend, provided that you respect the boundaries. (Example: a double handhold or closed position is acceptable; a tight embrace with chests touching is not acceptable.) I generally don't make a habit of asking women to dance who are clearly not single, but one time I did, I saw the man she was with telling her it was OK and briefly glancing at me. (Maybe he was just a friend, but I respected the boundaries anyway.) Now, I never had an instant make-out situation in those clubs, but at least I get to dance with ten different people in one night, rather than one or two, like in mainstream clubs.

Another bonus of Latin dancing clubs is if you're a good dancer, you can use it to your advantage like nothing else. It's very easy to make a good impression by being good on the dance floor. And if girls see you dancing well, they'll be more likely to dance with you. This is the reverse of what happens in regular clubs: girls see you get rejected, which causes them to reject you as well.