Overnight stays & intimacy when boyfriend lives with his

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Wow. I just don't get that. I couldn't wait to move out on my own. I've lived on my own since I was 19.

I think guys like that are just afraid of the big bad world. Maybe they are afraid of change?

Yeah, I don't get it either. I left to go to uni when I was 18, went back for a few months after I graduated but couldn't stand it, and left again to get my own place. I think with my friend it is some kind of subconscious fear of change, but he moans about his parents, particularly his mother, like a moody teenager. When you have your own place your relationship with your parents does change, and his hasn't, at all.

One of my friends lived with her parents until she was about 30, but it was very different. Her father was very keen for her to save money so she could buy her own place, and she lived with them for that reason. Visiting her though was very different, because it was clearly 3 adults who shared a house - not a child with their parents. There were times I went to see her and I didn't see her parents at all.

I think so. I also think, and as always this may just be me projecting myself into the situation, that he might still have "unfinished business" in the social/emotional area from his (chronological) adolescence that he needs to get through. In other words, most people have a certain kind of friendships and dating relationships in their adolescence, and someone who's a loner during that period will have missed those.

I'd be rich if I had a dime for every time someone said "those early relationships aren't really serious, they don't mean anything anyway". But in my opinion, this is a complete load of crap. It's sort of in the same ballpark as saying that play is unimportant for children. Yes, a kid won't die if he/she never plays a game, and in the adult world it doesn't matter if you know how to jump rope or play Monopoly. However, there is training of the brain that happens through play, that gives the brain a "sandbox" in which to wire itself and develop, as is clearly demonstrated in animal species where the young engage in play, when particular individuals are so deprived. In the same vein, I believe that being psychologically healthy in serious adult dating requires a prior chance for "experimental" dating. This is seen also in some gay and transgender people, who seem to go through a "second puberty" in adulthood whenever they come to terms with who they are (if they didn't do so during actual puberty).

That being said, there is no reason a guy like him could not continue to live at home, while visiting your place when the two of you want privacy and/or "alone time". That is, unless the mom has an objection to that, which I'm somehow suspecting she does. When I moved back in with my parents, while I was encouraged by the reduced financial concerns, which gave me more time to be social, my biggest dread was that I wouldn't have a place of my own to bring friends and especially girls home to, like I did when away at college. Therefore, dating a girl who has her own place, provided she lived close by and was OK with a "teenage sort of relationship" in other aspects, would be a godsend, as I wouldn't have to worry about the awkwardness of bringing a girl home to my parents' place every time I wanted to see her.

Biostructure, I definitely agree that he has unfinished adolesecnt business. It's like he completely stood still from his late teens until he started dating me at 33.

He has said himself that he feels that he's "missed" out on his twenties - this was in response to me being upset about him flirting with a girl in a mountain biking forum when we were together, he was basically commenting on how pretty she was - she'd posted a topic saying she was looking for a boyfriend who was a mountain biker (he's a mountain biker).

But what I don't understand is that I'm not pressuring him to move out, or even change his relationship with his mother. The situation isn't ideal, I would have liked a fully functioning relationship I guess, although not the co-habiting part, but because I like him so much I'm totatlly prepared to very happily compromise.

I just find the sneaking around his 70 year old mother's house intolerable, and he absolutely cannot see why.

I don't understand at all why he doesn't jump at the chance to have all the freedom he wants at my house. He has an opportunity to "test" out his adult wings if you like, with none of the expectation of taking it further, no responsibility e.t.c.

While he says that he won't ask me to do it again, and has agreed to one night stay at my house on weekedns, I don't think I should start things at all with him again while he feels deepdown that I'm being unreasonable and selfish about staying at his mother's house.

I don't know if there is any other way that anyone knows, a technique maybe, or a different approach to try and help him see the "bigger" picture in terms of his unrealistic expectations of women in thier 30's/40's.

If any one does know, I'd appreciate a pointer.

Have sex in his mother's kitchen. I think that would bring many problems to a head, with interesting results. It may just wake him up.



I'm completely kidding, I just find it hard to understand people who are allowed and encouraged to live with their parents into adulthood. Regardless of my own functioning level, it was clearly understood (and stated, on occasion) that I was not to return to my parents' house once I finished my schooling.

mv...........I needed that !

perhaps I should roll in there drunk, dressed head to toe in leather, smoking a j**nt and swearing my head off instead if creeping around ! certainly would solve the problem one way or another.

I think I have taken on board the "single mother" comments as weel here. I think there may well be some element of her feeling threatened. He's her "surrogate" husband and she would lose her proverbial punching bag, her fetcher, and someone to put the bins out if he went.

I would have thought she'd be happy because I'm never going to ask him to marry me, have kids, or support me in any way, not even emotionally - perhaps she doesn't know that about me. I wonder if it would make a difference ?

When he is with me, she's constantly on the phone asking if he remembered to get this or that shopping, or that she can't get the cats in e.t.c...never really thought about her not liking me or feeling threatened by me.

We did talk about this briefly, but he seems powerless to do anything about the calls and demands she makes while I'm with him, although he seems to want a bit more distance from her. and does get really pissed off about it.

As it is we haven't spoken (him and I) for three days now....I have, in desparation, contacted a councellor this afternoon who says she can councel AS adults, but am doubtful he'll want to disclose anything to anyone else. His mother doesn't even know he's probably AS, he's "harboured" it as a shameful secret all his life, although probably none of the people who know him would be suprised at all.

will see what the councellor suggestion brings...............

hyper............if I do that he freaks out and gets very, very agressive verbally and attacks me calling me pathetic and stupid and whore and such...............he's hypersensitive to percieved criticism, he thinks I'm directly attacking him and trying to make him feel bad.........


edit: oops, I was replying to Hyper's post about talking to him bluntly about him being in a LTR with his mother ...but it seems to have vanished !?

he's verbally abusive yet so you have to tiptoe around what you say to him IN ADDITION to him being essentially married to his mother... i am failing to understand why you want to make it work with him.

I've been wondering why you wanted to continue this relationship, but reckoned he must have other, great qualities that more than made up for the domestic situation.

Now you reveal that he's verbally abusive, and hypersensitive to perceived criticism, I haven't the faintest idea what you see in him.

I'm sorry, but the mother/home situation would have been enough for me to finish it, but abuse is abuse is abuse and totally unacceptable, even if it is only a part-time, non co-habiting relationship.

Hey. I can relate to this, I have a girlfriend and still live half at home / half with her, and she is really at odds (if not cold war) with my mother. She is also very...troubled by this situation. Difference is I'm only in my early twenties.

But I am even more troubled atm bc I'm in between two fires, and you should realize your partner is to. Stakes are high his mother has grown overprotective and controlling over the years. She 'really knows him' and 'how to deal with the problems', thus will naturally trust you less. This is however a very general phenomenon that I think most older woman have (the will to), but it becomes problematic when they can actually excersise this will. Note that she probably does want her son to have a life of his own, but can't help her controlling nature. Anyways my point is be aware that this could be very embarassing to your boyfriend to, and if he's anything like me also hammering on his self esteem.

However... know that you have him by the hook/hearth and that in the long run I think you will pull on the longest end. You literally have him by the balls haha. By that I mean that you should win the argument long term, if you encourage him to become more independent and spend time with you. He knows that he's 35 & this situation is not normal. But please understand (this is something you should believe the as community on) that structural changes are not that simple for him as for you. He will need time to get used to the idea of being with you more & how this would work for him. But I think (of course I don't know either of you) in the end he will cooperate. Whatever you do don't blow it up. My girlfriend doesn't want to see my parents again/ever come over bc she's uncomfortable at my house (I only visit her now, hopefully move in once), which puts me in an extremely akward position with my parents. That's not a good base to grow from.

Maybe if you give in a little, taking pressure off him, he will use that space to give in to your needs? Or propose a tradeoff: You will stay over night at his house every... 2 weeks or so & h'll spend an extra day with you on the weekends. You see each other more and you both won the argument

Ditto. I understand that it can be hard to let go of people, but you need to be treated better. The mother dynamic/situation alone is unhealthy, in my opinion, and the verbal abuse really concerns me.

thanks again for the replies.

I did finish it all 7 months ago because the way he was treating me was intolerable. Ignoring my clear statements of needs, manipluating me into doing what he wanted, even though it was damaging me, and blowing up whenever I tried to even talk about an issue (I posted a while back in another topic on his hypsersensitivity to criticism).

But he does have many good points that fit in with my traits. I can't stand too much touch (very little and absolutely no light touch), I don't want to soend too much time with someone, I don't want a traditional live in relationship, I don't want to be practically or financially tangle up with anyone else - and we just "clcik" with sense of humour, many shared interests such as our cats, horror films/series.......in a way that I haven't clicked with anyone since I met my ex husband, I've been effectively on my own now for almost 10 years, have dated many, many men in that time and not felt like I do about him. He gives me physical freedom not to be constantly worrying when I'm going to be hugged, touched or made a demand apon to "smile" or "give a kiss", he just absolutely gets those parts and it's a blessed relief not to have to worry about them. That's really imprtant for me, and I've had miserable, really miserable relationships with some guys who, whilst they've never become verbally agressive, keep making incessant demands on me and my personal space, which honestly, I cope much worse with.

He also can be very sweet, grows chillies for me, makes films and cd's for me, we love cooking together, really enjoy each other's sense of humour (which is on the same level).

He has made a lot of major changes that I never thought he would make since we split up 7 months ago, with me in mind, but we are stuck on this one issue.

I can manage the hypersensitivity, I know I need to not pull those triggers and find other ways to try and communicate something with him.

To the last poster,

I did try giving in a little, I think it's at the start of this thread, it only ended up in him taking more and more and staying here less and less, to where he just expected me to go to his and all the time saying he would stay over and not doing it at all.

The situation at his house is absolutely intolerable for me, so staying there or even hanging out is just out of the question, I've tried it, it's just too weird, too wrong, too damaging and leaves me feeling awful, I'd rather not see him at all than at his mother's house.


Unless he really understands that it is completely intolerable, and why, I don't think he will ever stop trying to get me to do it, or if he sticks to not asking me to do it, he will always resent me for it thinking I'm just selfish and uncaring or don't love him enough.

Not everyone can afford to lie on their own, regardless of whether they may actually want to or not. Some are pretty much stuck.

He probably doesn't see the logic in living on his own for what he would consider to be just for the sake of it, especially if you'd never want yourself and him to live together either, he probably sees that as a contradiction. It certainly looks that way from an outside male perspective. It's quite possible that he sees you saying that he should find his own place to live is something more so for your convenience rather then his own.

Although I do agree that it sounds like his mother is over-controlling, that isn't your problem.

Hi Jackal,


I haven't said he should find his own place to live. I don'#t think he'd survive living on his own, he's quote ehavily supported by his mother, almost no existant executive fucntioning ability. His special interest is his car, and he forgot to MOT and tax that last year.

I've said that if he wants me to spend time with him at his place, then his place needs to be not with his mother.

I'm happy for him to live at home, but very unhappy if the only way I can see him is there. I'd rather not see him.

I don't see anything contradictory in that.

The issue really I guess is that even though he's agreed not to ask me to go to his mother's, and he'll stay a night over the weekend with me at my house - he's angry about it and resentful because he doesn't see why I would have a problem with being at his mother's house, because this is where he is the most comfortable and cannot see that someone else might not "enjoy" the level of comfort he does there.

Rinsed thread so I'm probably saying things that have already been said. All the same:

1) His mom sounds lonely albeit she herself might have some AS traits, cornering someone and chatting them in loops of conversation where a person has to hedge their way to the door is somewhat normal but breaking in on intimate moments is a fair amount more clueless than average.

2) I'm getting the impression that your boyfriend hasn't lived anywhere else aside from with his mom or had many friends? If he had I think he'd have a more broadened sense of place but as it stands it sounds like his self-assurance is something in the house he grew up in rather than something he knows how to carry with him.


I think if you want to try retraining him,getting him out with people or friends, having social events at your place where he feels like he fits in will help. That way, by extension, he might start feeling like your place is a home away from home and his self-assurance might extend there as well. Then again, lol, if you guys break it off and if he has intrusive habits that could have its own repercussions. I suppose take all the advice you get here with a grain of salt, understand you know him much better than we do and I figure you'll know how to pick and choose with what you're seeing.