Every girl I ask out "already has a boyfriend."

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Wow....

I have had a couple of days to reflect on this, but I can not believe where this thread has gone. In the first place, I refrained from saying this yesterday out of respect, but I feel absolutely insulted by the repeated assertions that I have ignored all of the advice. That is absolutely ludicrous. I feel absolutely patronized as well by suggestions that I "don't know how affection works," and other things like that. I know full well how affection works, and I am absolutely capable of being in a loving relationship. I truly feel in my heart that the biggest barrier to me finding love is just getting past that first step where I cut such a poor 1st impression because of my low projected self-confidence......... I truly KNOW deep down that all of my good qualities will not come out until after the first NT-stages, but once she gets to know me, she will see how great I am.

I just struggle so badly with the "social-proof" aspects in the initial stages, but I know in my heart that the best part of me is found in deeper qualities (not in the shallow blustering of "confident" people.) I know full well I have it in me to have a long-term relationship, and the fact that I may not have "highly crafted social skills" for the ritual has absolutely NOTHING to do with this. I hope people can see what I mean by this.

I definitely know that I have a quiet internal confidence. I feel VERY confident at things I am good at, but my struggle is with the "appearance of confidence." I have had a few people tell me that "I just walk around with my head down, like nothing I do is good enough." I also know I really don't look people in the eye, and I don't smile enough, and perhaps I'm timid at getting words out. I know I don't smile when I am just out and about, so I'm not perceived as being a "fun" guy to be with. To me though, I feel like all of this stuff is superficial. I KNOW I am internally very confident, but again, I don't exhibit social proof of it........ as I have AS, and I don't bluster or jockey for social-position.

I have absolutely taken on everybody's advice in older threads. I also really did consider the advice on this thread to "practice talking to lots of people." However, to me, that is very NTish advice. I've also had parents and teachers all of my life have me practice social skills, but that was to no avail, as my delivery behind the words was so monotone and aspergerish. They would say, "a conversation is just like a game of catch........ you catch the ball, and throw it back."

The problem to me with talking to "lots of people" out of the blue is that I don't hardly see anybody else do it just in public places with strangers. You see mabye the top 2% of the most hyper-social and loquacious NTs who are confident enough and vibrant enough to actually do it, and be crowd-rilers. At the other end of the spectrum, you see mentally-challenged people run up to everybody and anybody to show them their lollipop. The rest of us in the middle just know our place. For me to do this, it would just be weird and unnatural as I don't have superficial things to say to anybody.

Also, I probably talk to like 13 or 14 people every day already just as a part of functioning in life. As I have said before, I have great functional social skills and many encounters each day, but I struggle with abstract social skills and conveying a sense of "fun." Also, even if I was to run up to all sorts of people, there are always those as*holes out there who will make a smart remark, and something like this destroys my confidence and can regress me for weeks (to the point where I get almost in tears at home over a conversation gone badly.) I really don't think an overload of practicing would work for me, as I have noticed that I tend to hyper-analyze and break down every aspect of every conversation I have, and then I can break down every sentence, evaluate it all for faux pas, and then get paranoid over real or imagined wrong things I might have said. I'm not capable of just having lots of chats and just letting things "roll off my shoulders."

I made every effort to explain why such a strategy would not be tailored to my idiosyncrasies, as I am an overthinker.......... and my head would explode just from breaking down all of these encounters. It would backfire as every time a chat went "less than perfect," it would torment me and cause me to lock up even more. I would not build confidence, but just feel like an idiot.

Yet...... I hate to say it, but I feel that I was being patronized here, and that some people were upset that I did not just bob my head 'yes', and run out and start doing it like an automaton. I would not even get anything out of it if I just went and started talking to lots of people without thinking on the process behind it. But when I even dared try and respond on it, instead of just doing it, it was insisted that I was just being difficult and not "following advice." I hate to say this, but I've read some other threads, and I also feel like hyperlexian is a bit condescending, patronizing, and a feminist know-it-all.......... again, I especially take offense at the statements that I was ignoring advice, when the exact opposite is true. I am also willing and able to step out of my comfort zone. I feel like I'm just being talked down to with the same crap advice I've heard for years and years.

There's a reason that people like me just don't "get confidence." That kind of NT confidence is just a facade anyway..... arrogant obnoxious bluster I could never pull off.

Finally - and thanks for bearing with me - but I also think that most girls my age don't date out of necessity yet..... they date for "fun." I don't project the image of a "fun guy," really, and I think that is part of the problem. I don't know how to develop a compelling personality.

If you write less unproductive journals (each post of yours is taking half-hour at least) and do more chatting/interacting/talking (any kind of interaction, even online), it would be far more useful.


Do you see all this self-analysis you're writing? They're waste of time.

Pastafarians' post on page 8 was easily the best post I have seen on this thread in terms of constructive advice for the OP.

^ Mabye I have more to say than just a soundbyte or a one-liner?

^ did all those long journals get you any closer in having a gf?

^ Its not just getting a girlfriend, but its the process of getting a girlfriend. Its like a vacation......... getting there is half the fun.

Just "getting a girlfriend" is not the end-all.

^^ keep enjoying the half-fun then

^ Whatever.

For me, getting a girlfriend is not just something to "check the box" on a massive checklist of life. I take it seriously, and it deserves more thought than just going through some platonic ritual.

^^ that's nice, and that's exactly why you should refrain from spending hours on writing analysis journals about it.

So, I wrote a few paragraphs on line, big deal. It sounds like you have better things to do anyway than read these forums.

Exactly, that's what I said in the first place, I said you struggle and have trouble creating a good first impression and that people won't appreciate you without getting to know you first, your qualities are more inward instead of outward. No one is trying to patronize you or make you feel uncomfortable or unwelcome, they are simply trying to grasp the situation. No one has mentioned that you aren't capable or ready for a relationship, we are trying to give you advice to take progressive safe steps instead of burning out.

The main problem is that you seem to think a relationship is going to free you from your problems and responsibilities and that type of attitude is going to leave you in a bad position. I understand you require social acceptability but there are healthy and safe ways of achieving it, we are only trying to point you in the right direction so you don't end up in an unhealthy relationship or burn out.



Yes, we already agreed that you had trouble creating a good first impression and showing qualities that could be hidden from potential partners or romantic interests. Our advice was aimed at you creating a good first impression and that will help you in dating, employment and other aspects. We are revisiting something you have already mentioned to us and we can only give you the advice that works. I recommend therapy and perhaps finding a communications and body language specialist if you can't learn through observing or socializing on a day to day basis.



How do you think everyone else does it? Through trial and error, through approaching and being rejected on cases, even people that are successful have to face rejection. You aren't going to find social acceptability by isolating yourself or not approaching anyone. A good relationship isn't just going to fall into your lap, just like an attractive job offer or lifestyle, it requires work, time, effort, devotion and commitment.

Nobody is saying you have to rush out and approach ten supermodels, we are simply giving you progressive steps on how to improve your situation. I understand you have issues processing social situations as many of us do and you struggle with interactions, acceptability and rejection, that's why I recommended therapy to help you rationalize your thoughts and issues.



Being critical and negative towards other people on this forum isn't going to solve anything, it's only going to create more misunderstanding, it won't stop people from giving you advice but it isn't doing anyone any favors.

You seem to have a rigid view of AS and that people on here had social skills and understanding handed to them overnight. You need to realize people here understand what you are going through, you don't think that other people have struggled or had to go through a lot of rejection and a learning process to learn certain skills that made it easier to cope with AS and social acceptability?

YAY!! its turned into a slam thread

Lets see.....I hate you Wolfheart, because your username is so much cooler than mine

Anyway what in the world is going on here Daemonic-Jackal is trying to bash hyperlexian and everyone elses advice, hyperlexian even after shes made here point, she is still is argueing with him for some reason, The_Face_of_Boo is well.....being The_Face_of_Boo(I guess idk), and Pengu1n is going completely on the defensive and slamming other peoples advice. Listen Pengu1n if you want peoples advice, pokeing holes in the advice thats given to you is not going to help you at all. So what if you've allready tired it, say that and move on with the next advice.

The only reason people keep suggesting building up your social skills is because thats usualy what keeps a guy from finding a girl, because with bad social skills you get small social circles and that means less likely a chance you'll meet and nice girl who you can feel comfortable with.

Large social circles = better chances of finding a girl

The other ways to build a larger social circle are 1. popular hobbies 2. money 3. power(as in mobster like fear) and 4. possessions(cars, houses, jewelry, etc.)

so working on your social skills doesn't work for you try the above ^^^

As for everyone else if you want to fight amongst each other then do it through a privite message
and Pengu1n calling someone "condescending, patronizing, and a feminist know-it-all" is just plain rude especially in the way you ment it. Don't expect to get advice from people let alone respect if thats how you react to other people who are trying to help you.

Personal attacks arent welcome so this thread is going to be locked at least for a few days just so you can all calm down and stop attacking each other.

Also you are lucky that Im trying to avoid approaching people on PM manners for personal motives otherwise a few of you would be getting warnings about your behaviour