I need advice

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I have asperger's syndrome, and I am very good friends with this girl who I really like. I'll call her Jane. I met her in my sophomore year of college, and we hit it off very well. This was before I new what was different about me, but I knew that I wanted a girl that wasn't prissy (makeup, dyed hair, fake lashes, etc.). Jane fit that description. She seemed to be just like me. She was beautiful and smart (still is). Unfortunately, shortly there after, this guy, who we'll call Mike, moved onto her floor. I started noticing that she seemed to want to talk to Mike much more than she wanted to talk to me at the parties. She started going places with him and seemed completely uninterested in me. Then, one night at a party, they made out in front of me. I was devastated. I began drinking every day, and failed all of my classes. I left college for a year. I came back and we've been hanging out a lot. Mike is no longer at this school, and I told her that I had feelings for her and I wanted to date her. She said, "I just don't like you that way." With that being said, I'm the only guy she hangs out with, and we hang out all the time. I know she likes me as a person, and I'm fairly certain she finds me attractive. Over the years (I'm 22), I've figured out how to flirt affectively, and I can occasionally land a date, but this problem is way over my head. All my NT friends say I'm in the friend zone. This makes sense. I know non-autistics occasionally browse wrong planet, and I was wondering if somebody who understands this better than me could help me get out of the friend zone. I've met (and liked) a lot of girls, but no one is as different from the norm as Jane. She's exactly what I want and I really wish she'd just give dating a shot with me. If somebody could give me clear cut advice on what to do, it would be much appreciated. Thanks.

*knew (there's a typo)

Hi.

I am an Aspie, but I'm also female, so I'll give it a shot (feel free to ignore me completely if I make no sense).

There are several possibilities:

(1) There just may not be a physical attraction there, due to what may be "biological" reasons (can't come up with a better word--"lack of chemistry", perhaps?). That doesn't mean she doesn't like you in other ways, but if there's nothing there physically, that can't be forced.

(2) "Mike" may have really hurt her emotionally and she's just being overly cautious. For now, hanging out with you as a friend is "safe" because there are no other expectations. You treat her well, and aren't demanding anything she can't deal with. Her saying "I just don't like you that way" may be a cover to keep herself in this "safe" place with you. This relates to

(3) How long ago did they break up (they did break up, right?)? If you guys started a relationship now, it might just be a rebound that would end badly. Maybe she realizes this and doesn't want to do this to either one of you.

In any case, actively trying to get out of the "friend zone" would be pushing it, and could push her away. While you probably don't want to hear this, the best advice I can offer is "give it time." It could be any one of these scenarios, or something I haven't even thought of.

Enjoy the "hanging out" time you guys have. If things are/can going to change (scenarios 2 and/or 3 above), it can't be rushed.

Hope that helps somewhat.

Get out, just stop hanging around her. Most men have been in that situation the chance that she will change her mind is close to zero. All the while you are torturing yourself being around her, liking her more and more. Precious time you could have used to meet a girl that actually wants to date you.

Great advice, focusing your energy and effort into a dead end with no potential or room for growth is never a smart choice. I think you're just obsessed and you have developed a case of thinking this girl is special or different, once you start meeting other women and getting to know more people, you will realize that she isn't that special.

If you really want a friendship with her, I suggest you cut all contact with her until you can truly not let your ego get in the way of having a friendship with her but at this stage, I don't think that's going to be possible.

^^^yes. normally i advocate trying to stay friends, but it isn't always possible if there are still feelings in the way, or if the friendship is lopsided, or if it would be unhealthy to stay in contact.

shades720, if 2 people are just friends it is possible that feelings could develop, but this is different. she said that frankly she doesn't have romantic feelings for you. once she has realised that, the chances are slim to none that she will change her mind. it just doesn't really ever happen like that.

Thanks everyone. I appreciate the advice. I think that I "look" fine to her, but I think 2.5 years of being friends has made any attraction she has toward me a bit stale. I think I may just break the news that I don't want to continue hanging out, at least for a while, this next weekend.

So, I went ahead and gave her the news. I'm going crazy now, wondering if I made a mistake, but I suppose it was necessary. Now, I just have to try and recover.

How did she respond exactly? Just curious.

Ugh. I agree with hyperlexian on this one, but I guess it's too late for that. If you really want to pursue a romantic relationship with her one good course of action is indeed cutting out all contact, but... there you would be basically resetting your relationship with her. And you know, she has been your friend for two years and a half, are you willing to risk that?

I am currently in a friends with benefits relationship with a former 1-year friend. But when I told her about my feelings, I explicitly said that I would be ok with us being just friends, so she could take her decision freely. In your case, I fear that she may agree to be your girlfriend just for fear of losing you, if you are important enough, and that could go awry in the long run. Or just, you know, stop hanging out.

Now don't go back and apologize right now , keep us posted~

The friend zone is an awful concept, and you'd do best to forget it. A woman not being willing to go further than a friendship with you is not a 'problem'. You are not suffering, or victimized by being in a friendship.

Pretending to be a 'nice guy' in an effort to convince her to change her mind, or in hopes that she will change her mind is manipulative and dishonest. And disrespectful. You would be a nicer guy if you dropped the idea of going further and chose from the options available.

also agree.

when you like someone, but they dont reciprocate (i.e. 'friend-zone'), the vast majority of the time it doesnt work out. in the end.

its called the 'friend-zone' for a reason. its a tried and true 'shucks' that is so widely received it actually netted itself a slang term. just think about it.

i mean.. the best thing you can do (if you want to try, which is a terrible decision IMO) are one of 2 things:

1.) stop talking to her. stop initiating. if you lose interest she'll either gain interest (start to reciprocate. and chase you), or she'll let you leave, in which case you understand fully she wasnt into you.

2.) start hanging out with her in 1v1 scenarios. get closer to her. touching her (clearly not inappropriately) seems to give a 'spark' to things. FLIRT with her. make sexual tension thru innuendos. try to be witty if at all possible. be 100% confident as much of the time as you possibly can be. form your own opinions, dont CAVE with every single situation. if you dont wanna eat at the micky dees, tell her 'naw that place isnt my favorite, lets do something different', etc. if you are too agreeable its a major turnoff. keep conversations flowing by picking out nouns (and even verbs) from sentences as individual sub-subjects that you can talk about. stop talking with a question. change subjects completely, from time to time, to be a bit spontaneous.

maybe if she hangs out with you enough she might start think of you in a different way.

heres the catch, however.

dont hang out with her too much! ONCE PER WEEK OR LESS. sometimes its even best to cancel, or say 'no, im busy that day', even when you arent. at times, this will make her chase you even more. just make sure to reschedule for a later date (like 2 days later).

dont talk to her with texting, or messaging, ever. if you must talk (dont do this a lot, IMO), do it over the phone. it is more personal this way.

dont randomly contact her. if you arent calling her, she'll might start wondering what you are doing instead of calling her. if you can make her chase you, you have a better chance of making it work.

but, honestly, she probably isnt attracted to you. if this is the case, there really isnt any getting around it. its most likely best to move on. you will be better off if you find a NEW girl who you have an infinitely better chance with.

Been on both sides of the equation.

Nothing you can do about.

If the other person- male or female- doesnt want a romantic relationship with you -they dont want it.


Move on.

Find someone to take your mind your mind off of her.

She responded by saying that she understood, and that she considered me to be one of few really good friends of hers. She said she was going to miss me, and that if I ever reconsidered, that she was there. After reading the response, I couldn't take it. I called one of my good friends who knows us both, and he said if I wanted to change my mind, that I should just go ahead and do so. He said he thought she'd be understanding. So, basically, it took all of four hours for me to cave. She's never done anything wrong by me, and I do value her as a friend. I don't wanna lose that. I told her I was sorry, and that I hoped she'd consider the previous message to be a failed attempt at dealing with my emotions. I know that caving won't help my case when it comes to dating her, but I suppose issues like this should be decided with emotions and not logic. I actually felt sick after telling her I didn't want to be her friend anymore, and I hope that the four hours of bad judgment hasn't done any damage to our friendship. I feel like there isn't a chance that I'll ever date her, and I need to move past denial. She's a great friend. Thanks for the advice everyone.

@shades720:

IMO, you did the right thing. Why lose a friend who means a lot to you? If trying to end that made you feel that awful, then that feeling was telling you she's too important to not have in your life.

Like I said, "never" is a long time. Don't dwell on the possibility of things being ever becoming more, but...who knows?

For now, live in the present and be happy to spend time with her as you do.

However, if you ever meet another girl you like "that way" and she seems interested also, see where that may go. If "Jane" just wants you to be in "friend mode", that shouldn't be a problem.

Take care.

Yay!

What you said there is right. Even though that won't really help you to start dating her, you've still got a great friend there, and those are really hard to find. Move on, I guess, most of the things in my mind were already said by conundrum anyway~