First Date - Advice

Post Reply New Topic

Hi all,

I'm new and excited to officially be among the wrong planet community.

My Brief History:
Diagnosed with ASD at the age of ~8, no therapy. INTP (surprise!) studying electrical engineering and have had internships in the industry doing power engineering and will do one with AMD this summer.

In a way I'd ignored the diagnosis until my friends (6 male roommates) brought it up to my attention that I hadn't had a date since high school. So like all of my life dilemmas I went to the internet to find a solution. I found a dating website, this website, a bunch of well rated books on psychology and went to town.

The lady and I have a date 3 days from now and I would be super appreciative if, given my short profile, you all would give me some advice!

Also: recommend me some books! My research into the social world has included:

Sociology 150A UC Berkeley webcast (2x)
Robert Cialdini - Influence
Dale Carnegie - How to win friends and influence people
Tony Atwood - Complete guide to Aspergers Syndrome
William Starkey - Cupid's Code
Tom Butler-Bowdon - 50 psychology classics
Youtube - Simple pickup (all videos)


And some on my future list include:

Eric Berne Games People Play (1964)
Edward de Bono Lateral Thinking (1970)
Robert Bolton People Skills (1979)
Robert Cialdini Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion(1984)
Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi Creativity (1997)
Daniel Goleman Emotional Intelligence at Work (1998)
Barry Schwartz The Paradox of Choice: Why More is Less(2004)
David D Burns Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy (1980)
The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships: Decoding Social Mysteries Through the Unique Perspectives of Autism
Albert Ellis & Robert Harper (1961) A Guide To Rational Living(1961)
Milton Erickson My Voice Will Go With You (1982) by Sidney Rosen

Much Thanks!

I_Am_Not (My username is a reference to the famous quote of martin luther as he dealt with his identity crisis)

Two books I recommend off the top of my head:

Conversationally Speaking - read it years ago and now I've internalized the principles so they seem quite basic to me, but wow, it's helped me talk to people better.

You Just Don't Understand - book I'm reading now on the difference between male and female communication styles - one of the most illuminating books on psychology and communications I've read.

There are others: I'll post them if/when I think of them.

I've also read Paradox of Choice - amazing. Another book I read around the same time is Learned Optimism. Has a similar feel I think, and changed my psychological paradigms in a similar way.

Tony Atwood makes a lot of sense and I used to agree with him, but am doing so less and less. He does make some practical and useful observations though.

I appreciate your thoroughness, but a first date isn't really something you can study for. Generally speaking, a persons favorite topic tends to be themselves, so ask her about her job (or classes, if she's a student), her family, her interests, books she's read, movies and TV shows she's watched, etc...And while she's talking, LISTEN. Even if you're not interested, pay attention. If she asks you similar questions, answer them, but only talk as long as she talked about her thing.

Do NOT discuss religion, politics or sex unless she brings it up first, and even then only offer as much as she does in the way of opinion. It's a date, not a debate.

And mostly, ENJOY yourself. A date isn't a pass/fail exam, it's two people sharing time together in an enjoyable way.

"the fine art of small talk" by debra fine

Take her to a place where you two can do any kind of activity together, instead of you two just hanging out. That will put less pressure on your conversational skills, will give you something to talk about, and will be enjoyable.

Hey all - thanks for the responses.

Since we both like the outdoors I'm taking her climbing, so that should be fun, I'm really excited.
A mentor also recommended "paradox of choice" and "conversationally speaking" which I will add, as well as the others, to my list of books.

Certainly a date isn't an exam, but this approach has turned my job interviewing skills from night to day and earned me several complements. Learning communication skills doesn't change the merit of my content to communicate, but it can totally change the effectiveness in which it is presented.

And yep, people's favorite conversation topics are often involving themselves, we on the spectrum can simply look inward to notice that.

Thanks again!

a few things:

to keep a conversation going, pick out the nouns and verbs in sentences she uses. those can all be different topics. for example, if shes talking about how her incredible cat caught a bird out of the air, you could talk about incredible things, cats, catching, birds, OR the air! many many topics. this should help with your smalltalk

dont talk about serious things.

break the physical touch barrier, this is massively important, to build chemistry.

kiss her at the end of the date (or in the middle, when you feel she is comfortable with you, and also have that feeling that she wants to).

and your next date should be at least 5 to 6 days apart from your first one. if you rapid fire dates, it wont work because seeing each other too much kills attraction.

also, no texting. its impersonal, and it kills attraction. if you want to talk, call her. dont call too often, though. i'd say no more often than once every 4 days till you are on your 3rd or 4th date.

good luck man!

I think serious things can be OK, so long as the interaction itself is lighthearted. Humor is the key.



That's tricky. I would say it's OK to do, but it's also fine to not do so.



True. You gotta let tension build. If she's wondering what you're thinking, she starts to think more about you.

Thank you all!

It went really well. It turned out to be not nerve-racking at all and conversation flow went pretty well for the most part. Totally didn't need to lose sleep last night haha!

It may be soon to say but I think this is really a milestone in my not viewing ASD/aspergers as a restraint.

I'm glad things went well. If you worry too much about it, this rather shows I think.

Did your date express any desire to meet you again?

Just relax, mate. If you feel nervous.. say so. It's OK to be human. Also, conversation killers happen to anyone AS or otherwise. Just recover from it and don't go into some spiral.

Yeah, she sent me a very positive follow-up text before I even got back to my house. I'm not going to predict anything about where "we" are headed but if nothing else today was a success on my part.

Thanks again guys.

Hi, guy. Thanks for the reading list. I'm currently looking for a job, and to broaden my network I joined a discussion group on LinkedIn called the Emotional Intelligence group. I intend to improve my skills in interview and work/life/romance situations in general, and I will definitely take on some of the library. As for dating, I would like to get back in the game after the dust settles in my life. I haven't had much success up until now, having gone through over more than a dozen relationships. I keep hoping it's not too late to start over. You've given me a ray of hope.