Daisychains11 wrote:
Hey guys, new here. Apologies for the novel that follows but I don’t know where else to go.
So a couple of months ago I met this man about five years my junior. I'll admit I fell in love with him in less than a week. The first thing that struck me about him is that when you speak to him, he listens with a sort of quiet care and intensity that very few people I've ever met display. The second thing was that he is, like, off the charts brilliant. We work in software design and he has an uncanny ability to see through systems, to understand how they work and to construct them on his own. Finally, he is kind and sweet and goodhearted in a hugely refreshing way.
We hit it off immediately - we're both passionate about video games, animation and science fiction, so we never run out of things to talk about. The first time we hung out together was amazing: hilarious, inspiring; we didn't stop talking the entire time. None of which sounds much like Asperger's, and I certainly wouldn't have assumed it. Later, when I found out that he's never had a girlfriend -- never so much as held hands with a girl -- I thought it was sad, but that maybe he was just shy. Then I found out that he'd never really had any friends until he was in his twenties, and then, that up until a few years ago, he almost never spoke. Again, I thought it was unusual, but decided that it just might be that he hadn’t come out of his shell until he found an environment that really welcomed him.
In the meantime, I confessed my attraction for him and asked him out. He told me he was in love with someone else. This was a girl, obviously uninterested, whom he had pursued for several months. His way of talking about her was unusual – he says he “decided,” arbitrarily to fall in love with her, almost as if it were a project he imposed on himself. Again, I thought it was unusual, but I find men are in general confusing and let it go. Despite his turning me down, we became closer and closer friends. We started going out to dinner together alone, we spent all night on the phone together; he would stay on and listen to me fall asleep. Eventually I started hanging out at his apartment (I was the first guest he’d ever had); again, we’d stay up until dawn, talking, laughing, playing games. At first he forbade me from sleeping over, but on one occasion I fell asleep there accidentally. After that I started sleeping over on a regular basis (always chastely; separate beds in different rooms).
The relationship was problematic, however. For one thing, I had to initiate almost all contact. Aside from occasional texts or IMs, I rarely if ever heard from him. When we hung out, it was something I had to organize. He never once called me. Any smart girl would have made the assumption that he was just not that into me. Except that when we were together, he seemed so intensely happy, so relaxed in a way that he usually wasn’t. We had moments of incredible intimacy; a day when I showed up on his doorstep, crying over something, and he held me the entire night, brought me cup after cup of hot tea and baked me cookies.
There was the problem too of me being in love with him. It was something I was compelled to tell him again and again, and he always listened patiently, explaining that he did not feel the same way. I know this is madness, manipulative and abusive on my part. But the problem was, I simply could not believe he did not reciprocate my feelings. He would gaze with such adoration into my eyes, and put his arms around me with such tenderness. He would tell me that he wanted to kiss me so badly sometimes he couldn’t stand it. But then he’d turn around and tell me that he wasn’t interested; I’d show up at work on Monday and he would be cold and distant, a stranger. I’d beg him to explain why he didn’t love me (again, not something I’m proud of), and eventually I’d get him to say that I wasn’t confident enough, but he couldn’t really expand on it.
I’ve started to suspect Asperger’s for a number of reasons. One is that he still has no real friends at all; unless he’s invited somewhere he doesn’t go out, I remain the one girl he’s ever talked to on the phone, ever, and he says I'm the only person he really feels comfortable around. Another is the way he’s expressed to me, subtly, that he feels like he doesn’t really understand the mechanics of social situations: sarcasm and flirting confuse him. He’s social, but he often seems to be observing social behavior like a disinterested clinician. He guides his actions by a very almost arbitrary moral code: he’s tremendously chivalrous, but it seems like a set of rules he’s decided to apply to himself rather than something that arises innately. He’s extremely passive. He will disappear from social engagements for hours at a time and be surprised when people are upset and confused by this. He has an unbelievable memory and has amassed a startling array of knowledge for someone so young. He's meticulous, fanatically clean, bound to routines. He collects and displays objects.
Anyway, what prompted this post was that, like, a week ago he was tremendously friendly and affectionate. He contacted me daily, even texted me after work to see how my day was. I spent a lovely evening with him – we went for a walk in the moonlight, stayed up super late, laughed ourselves silly. And then, the next day, he got incredibly cold. Wouldn’t respond to my texts, seemed irritated by my presence when I managed to corner him. Seemed to be avoiding me like I was the biggest pest on earth. I was terribly hurt. When I finally got a chance to ask him what was wrong he said that he values me but sometimes has trouble showing affection to people.
Basically, I don’t know what to do. First, I don’t know whether or not to brooch the subject of Asperger’s with him. I don’t want to offend him, or make him feel that he’s strange, or suggest that I want him to change in any way.
Also, assuming he does have the syndrome (a big assumption), I can’t tell if he really is not interested in me, or if he is just terrified of how close I’ve gotten. I know that Aspies fear change. Every time he retreats from me like this, it seems to be prompted by some moment of increased intimacy. At the same time, maybe that intimacy is not something he really feels; maybe he is just mirroring my behavior. I have never been so confused by anyone in my life: the signals he sends are so hugely varied and unpredictable they’ve started to drive me insane. I know I’ve probably put pressure on him that he finds excruciating. I’ve also heard that Aspies tend to select partners that serve as mentors, so I can see why me seeing unconfident, desperate and unsure of myself would be even less appealing to him than it is to an NT man.
Anyway, if you’ve read this far I owe you – thanks! Just hoping for some feedback. Wondering if anyone has a similar story or could shed some light on the situation.
He may very well be an Aspie but unfortunately he doesn't sound interested..You have been regularly sleeping over at his place and the thought of intimacy hasn't crossed his mind??? What more can you do ? If you want to keep being his friend and hope he comes around you will likely be forever frustrated.Your best option is to pull away and when he wonders why you tell him you are hoping for more than ''friendship'' from this relationship and see if he decides to pursue you.
20 Mar 2012, 6:03 pm
