Rejected by my best friend

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Dear all
This is my first post on Wrong Planet.

I'm a 27 year old girl. I have been in love with a guy for the past 5 years, and he also happens to be my best male friend.
Quite early on in our friendship I told him I love him and he told me quite bluntly that he respects me for telling him that, but it won't work.

Two years after that he got engaged to a girl, but broke off the engagement in 2 months. Those 2 months were living hell for me.. Somehow I could not accept him being with another girl.

Since that time another 2 years have passed. Along the way when things happen, time and again I realise he is not the one for me, and we are better off being best friends only. This has been his stand all through (though we very rarely discuss "us").

In spite of all this, I still can't get over him, if he gets married (which will happen soon) I am going to go insane again. He says things like he has never loved me in "that way", and I have always been his soulmate, his oxygen.

Just when I think I have finally got over the rejection, he says or does something that sends me spiralling bakwards.

I feel like I am not focusing on my own life, for worrying over this guy and the rejection.

This guy has already made it clear repeatedly that he is not going to be your boy friend, just a friend. You are not willing to accept that, and are dead set on a romantic relationship that will never happen. Actually, he was very nice to put his intentions so clearly. Now it's time to grow up and face facts. A romance with him ain't gonna happen. Your continued attempts to be with him are only hurting you and keeping you from moving on. Stop seeing him/calling him/emailing him. NO MORE CONTACT! It just hurts you. Start treating yourself better, by not putting yourself out for an unattainable person. Find ways to occupy and distract yourself, and meet other people.

- Take courses, either in person or online. Some online courses are free.
- Take up a hobby. You may meet other people who share your interest.
- Volunteer. There are people out there worse off than we are. You will also meet other volunteers there.
- Go to events at local community centers, local libraries, local schools, local sporting venues, local fairs, local art shows, etc.

You really need to get out and meet other people. I hope the ideas listed above will help get you going.

Unrequited love is never healthy and it sounds like you are at the extreme end of being obsessed, you probably crave this guy because people crave what they can't have, people enjoy a challenge. You have set high expectations towards this guy because you have assigned such a high value to him in your own mind, if you can step out and view it in a third person perspective, you will realize that this guy doesn't define you or your happiness.

If you can't let go of your feelings for him, you need to completely cut contact otherwise you will just be causing yourself more negativity and hurt. Find someone that values you as much as you value them.

I'm overwhelmed by the words of support and wisdom. Thanks guys for caring. Thank you especially for the following:

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I tend to agree that this has become some sort of obsession. I don't think that's healthy even in a relationship where the feelings are mutual.

I can however somewhat relate to your situation. I've been friends with a guy for about a year or so and I just told him how I feel about him. I was afraid because of feeling vulnerable and also that it may overwhelm him and make him uncomfortable around me. Of course I'd be over the moon if he felt the same way I did but at the same time I value our friendship above all and that's one thing I didn't want to jeopardize. Prior to my deciding to tell him how I felt. I had to tell myself that there is always the chance that he isn't in love with me. I had to be okay with that. His friendship will have to be enough. Don't get me wrong if things don't work out for us and he one day finds someone else, it will be one of the hardest things to live through. But I'd rather have him in my life in one way or another, than not at all.

There's nothing you can do to make someone love you. But would you want to?

You've put it all out there for him and he's not interested in a romatic relationship with you, yeah it hurts but it's not healthy for you to continue this way. But I gotta give it to you, you took a risk. Life is about taking risk. If you do nothing, then nothing happens. I agree that you've got to get into something else. And I don't think that you can move on with him still in your life. Cutting off all contact with him sounds like the best thing for you. You'll find someone else, you'll put it all out there for him and he'll take it and love you right back.

These kind of situations unfortunately seem way more common than they intuitively should be. Things such as "He says things like he has never loved me in 'that way', and I have always been his soulmate, his oxygen" baffle me. If you're that close to someone, you may not want to marry him/her, but wouldn't you at least, like, want to try making out to see how it felt??

But, it unfortunately has been my experience that "easy" relationships, i.e. ones where two people get along right from the start, feel an early sense of commonality, like they have always known each other, etc. never lead to mutual attraction. If the first few encounters are not dominated by clear-cut attraction and some sort of tension shared by both sides, then one person always ends up wanting to be just friends (or in my case, FWB sometimes). It used to always be the girls who were more platonic, but now that I've become desperate and am meeting more often with women I feel are significantly below my "league", it is sometimes they who feel the strong romantic pull and I'm indifferent.

It's a shame that so often one needs some "bumps in the way" or the whole stereotypical straight male/straight female dynamic for mutual attraction. It seems that a couple of a boyish man and a tomboy, or of two artists who share an imagination, who get along really well, should often lead to more than a friendship, but I've never experienced it.