Really needing some help...

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Last edited by ToastableNeko on 08 Apr 2012, 3:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I think the best thing to do here is to discuss this issue with him and tell him how this is making you feel, but don't use the words "you make me feel" because this is going to make him feel like you are accusing him. Use the words "I feel". This sounds a lot better when you are trying to explain. Then tell him why it makes you feel that way and tell him what you expect him to do. For example you could say; I feel that we don't need to break up every time you require space, it makes me feel hurt and confused. When you need space, please will you just tell me rather than us breaking up? You could also explain you'll be happy to give him space as he requests.

I don't think that this is intentionally done. I think he doesn't know how to tell you he wants space from the relationship for a while and kind of sees that as a way of getting the space. He might not know how to explain this to you, so it is important that you tell him what you'd rather him to do when he does need that space. I do think he loves you because he wouldn't keep coming back to you if he didn't. I just think it's a problem in communication like most NT/Aspie relationships and he just needs to be told a different way of dealing with needing his space.

Ah yes. I just realised, you are not an NT, but I do think this way of approaching things might work for you also.

Thank you for the quick response. That sounds like a better way of approaching confrontation. I think I may have been doing that initially and causing him to become defensive. I have spoken to him about this before, and he seemed happy, but it always ends the same way it ended the last time. Maybe just taking a different route could stop him from constantly doing the same thing.

Maybe he doesn't even know how to ask for space. That's a really good point that I never thought of before. He treats me poorly to get rid of me, and then leaves me heartbroken and comes back to me to talk things out. I wonder why in the world he is taking this route to have space- he's been in few relationships, and all except the one with me and a temporary other relationship, were online. When he was in those relationships, he was clingy. Now, the funny part is that he hates when I am clingy. This is usually how it plays out: when we only see each other online, I become clingy and insecure and he hates it and wants to run, but when we are in person, I become distant and want to run and he becomes clingy and insecure. I don't really understand the dynamics of that. I had been thinking about that, and wondered why that happens.

Doesn't mean that we don't have problems with communication often. Well, if we bother communicating. We do a lot more gaming and watching shows that anything else; communication still causes us problems, though.

Indeed, I am glad I could help you. I think that approaching it in a different manner of the way I explained might help. It's worth a try. The reason I know this is all from reading books, as I have a boyfriend with Aspergers. I am also still learning though, I really don't know why things change that way when you are with him and when you aren't. Perhaps another Aspie will be able to come up with a reason for that . Perhaps if you don't come across as being as clingy or afraid he might be more drawn to you? This is just a suggestion though, I am not entirely sure on the reason for that.

I don't mean to insult you, but from this post and all the others I've seen you make, you don't seem Autistic at all. You seem like a Neurotypical. This seems like a very Neurotypical way to respond to situations like this, and a lot of your words seem emotionally loaded or irrational. Maybe you should reevaluate your self-diagnosis (rationally) and use your newfound insight to reframe the situation in your mind.

I'm sorry, but when people claim to be Autistic but they seem like Neurotypicals, it reminds me of someone who I would much rather forget.

We are fed some many images of how a relationship should be. Think Vanilla Sky and the album cover if you've seen that movie. If we're Aspies, we have to very much find our way and I think that also applies to two Aspies together.

And I think it's very helpful to leave realms of personal privacy. For example, if someone is an Episcopalian, let them remain an Episcopalian, even if you're a closely relately religion . . . that kind of thing. Now, you're saying, a lot of in-person together time, you're feeling distant and want to run. So please respect your own needs for alone time and space.

Just a guess for the game plan, maybe wait three weeks and then a friendly, brief contact? Or, one month and three days? Just don't expect something overly specific and be disappointed. I mean, both of you are full-fledged growing human beings of course you are.

This was really uncalled for. I have lived a life of pain and suffering from being seen as different. You don't know my life; you have no idea what kind of person I am. This forum isn't about asking for an evaluation from the people in the thread- It's about relationships. I would have asked if I wanted YOUR opinion.

No, I haven't.

The only problem is that we don't see each other often enough, so it is painful to both of us if we try to have alone time and space apart.

Well, he doesn't want to talk at all at this point. I will keep that in mind. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but I feel like it will work out. I hope so, at least. I want to make it work out, anyway.

Yeah, I guess that would help, but one can't exactly turn it on and off when they're insecure... I'm pretty sure that's a tough thing to do. I feel so overwhelmed with anxiety about things that I don't understand sometimes in relationships and friendships in general. It seems like relationships are 10x more difficult, even with a person who has a lot of the same problems I've had growing up.

I'm very sorry about this. As I said, I didn't mean to insult you. It's just that you're acting like a Neurotypical in assuming that he's hiding something when he says those things and automatically invalidating his feelings. Why can't you just believe him and leave him alone?

Also, you're just...really reminding me of someone very manipulative. "I have lived a life of pain and suffering" sounds especially manipulative, because I doubt that "being seen as different" translates to "a life of pain and suffering." I don't want to make any assumptions, but it doesn't fit my experiences.

Also, being all surprised because he seems cold when you supposedly know enough about Autism to diagnose yourself as Autistic doesn't add up. Also, I don't buy your disbelief in his concerns about the way you treat him. I think you should listen to them and really look at yourself. I know that a lot of people, especially the ones with more Narcissistic tendencies, have trouble admitting when they're wrong, but if you really love him you will try to fix this. As an added incentive, I will Assume that you Can't, so now you will feel competitive and do it to Prove Me Wrong! ...right?

I'm very sorry if I'm jumping to conclusions. I'm just seeing patterns that are very similar to those exhibited by the person who tried to kill me (among other things).

Not only that but your try to keep a long distance relationship going, which is very hard even for NTs. If this keeps happening on and off then maybe its for the best that it just ends. I know that isn't what you want but lets say you get back togather and he does this again and the pattern repeats and repeats and repeats....do you really want to put yourself through this?

I'm not assuming he's hiding things- I'm just confused about the whole situation in general. I just want to understand. I came here hoping to have some insight on it, not for this kind of crap.
Because I am INSECURE in an ONLINE long-distance relationship. This is my first relationship with anyone, so I have never experienced this kind of lifestyle before. It is still new to me, even after this time with him.

It isn't manipulative in the least. It's the complete truth. I was ridiculed growing up. Constantly made fun of by everyone and I would always try to fit in. I made constant errors in everything I did through daily life then and now. I can't pick-up on social cues and when I am doing things incorrectly. I have to be verbally told in order for me to stop. I can give you SO many different examples of this. I have never felt like I could understand people, and I still feel like I can't. I am FREQUENTLY dealing with problems socializing: I have no friends, nor do I have an interest in the things other people are doing outside of my box. I get along so well with the person I am with because he deals with the SAME problems. I can keep going on and on if you really need reassurance.

So, you've never met an Aspie who could identify when someone was being cruel and cold? I don't just KNOW when they are; I have to do a lot of thinking to figure these things out. It doesn't just come to me initially. I don't think you're understanding that- you're just thinking I can pickup on these things right away. No, no I can't. That is WHY I am here in the first place. These are my thoughts that I have. These are theories why what is happening could be happening. I never said they're 100% true.

I haven't been the way he was telling me that I am in a long time. I changed those parts about me; he wants to walk away now. That is how it seems. I have desperately tried to, and if I haven't, then I will talk to him about it. He is doing these same things that I used to do in the beginning of the relationship. That is what I am finally seeing. I want it to change. I have accepted those things that I did wrong a LONG time ago. I've admitted repeatedly that I was wrong about things and apologized. He is the one who is doing it now (as in, he is the one who is being the jerk this time). He is sometimes very mean to me, and now I can see how I used to be. It was the same as before, but our roles changed.

Now look at what you're doing! You're ASSUMING things that aren't actually there. You're doing the same thing you complained about me doing to him. I am not the kind of person who would murder. You're being irrational right now. That's very hypocritical and not fair in the least. Not all people with Asperger's are exactly the same- you would know that, since you post and read a lot. Unless you aren't actually reading what these people are saying. Not every single person in this universe is alike. We do share a lot of the same tendencies in the Aspie community, but we don't all have the same personality and the same interests, do we? I don't know how you can say that just because one thing I do contradicts what you defines me as neurotypical when I know myself well enough to give myself the label of Aspie. I wouldn't just pointlessly label myself with Asperger's if I didn't believe there was a ton of truth to it in defining who I am as a human being.

And that is a sad truth that I am considering. We have made it work, and the time we spend together is so wonderful and really makes it all worth the effort we put in. I even said I would come marry him, and he told me not to ruin my life by switching colleges to be with him. I do want that. I never planned to be in a relationship to end it- I ultimately wanted to be with him for the rest of my life, and he has felt the exact same way. I really hope not talking for a while will help us be able to think about what we are doing wrong.

I did not say that you are the kind of person who would murder. I also did not say that people with Asperger's Syndrome are exactly the same. In fact, it frustrates me a lot when people assume that. You just don't seem like anyone with Asperger's who I've met, while you do remind me a lot of Neurotypicals. I also am frustrated with you now because it seems like you're trying to imply that I believe things that I don't actually believe. For future reference, please don't assume that I believe anything unless I directly say it. I do not say anything indirectly.



No, you're missing my point. I don't think he was being cruel and cold at all. It seems a lot like a phrasing that an actual Autistic person might use when he wants to know if you have any questions. (I was talking about the part where he said "Do you have any questions" or something along those lines.) I think that you're doing that thing that you just did to me where you're assuming that there are thoughts and feelings behind the words without actually asking. No one has any way of truly knowing what someone is thinking and feeling unless the people specifically say that they think or feel something, and even then they could be lying, but it is generally unfavorable to do so.




That doesn't sound like "a life of pain and suffering" to me. It seems like you're exaggerating. I haven't lived "a life of pain and suffering" either, but I know that just being constantly made fun of doesn't qualify!
Were you raped, abused, molested, tortured, kidnapped, imprisoned, or assaulted? Did your parents die when you were young? Did you starve or suffer from a horrible illness (and, no, Autism doesn't count )? Were you forced to go to one of those crazy camps where the counselors destroy your self-esteem and make you feel like all your problems are your fault? Did you ever fight in a war? Were you ever forced to hurt creatures or watch others hurt them? Were you ever in a controlling cult?
I doubt that any of those things happened to you since you didn't mention them. You should have thought before you exaggerated like that; trying to seem like your life is SOOOO TERRIBLE is an insult to the people who have experienced those things and things like that.

If I didn't know any better, I'd say you're a teenager.