Regarding eye contact

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^ This is also important!

I forget that everyone on this forum has a different experience with Asperger's. For many of us, looking in the eyes is a central obstacle. It does not bring pleasure. It is something that is learned over the course of a lifetime. I take it that your experience is different.

I can't say much on this topic other than I have never looked anyone in the eyes since I was about 3 years old.

I conducted a poll (on another site maybe) and the vast majority of aspies avoided eye contact because of intensity. I find it weird to imagine being fond of someone and hating eye contact with them. Are you sure you like them?



You totally trust someone whose eyes are intensely bad to look into? Or to you do eyes not have any significance? I trust almost nobody but when I do those are the people I feel good with eye contact.

the more intense my emotions are, the harder i find eye contact to be. so if i am nervous, or attracted to someone, or angry (etc), it is harder for me to look someone in the eyes. if forced to do it as a child it would make me feel physically ill and i'd sometimes dissociate or feel faint.

but in a normal state i can do some eye contact once i am VERY familiar with a person, but i still avoid it unless necessary.

Ok, my bad, I should make myself more clear. It is not, that I have problem with eye contact itself (throughout my life I learned how to use eye contact in regular conversation to the point when I do not really have to concentrate on it anymore - I simply copy the amount and intensity of other person eye contact; I practiced it for so long, that I can do that automatically now). What is problematic is the focus; in regular conversation, the other person is relatively far in terms of physical proximity, so during eye contact, I simply focus on the area around eyes, which is enough because both eyes of the other person are being in the same area of focus. In dating situations, however, the physical proximity is reduced and I find the focus of my eyes problematic.....I no longer can look just at the point around her eyes, because I would look cross-eyed and, also, each of her eyes are in a different focus area, so I can only focus on one eye at the time (which manifests itself in a way, that I sometimes switch between one eye and another - one of my exgfs found that extremely funny, luckily in a good way). So the problem is not, that I would not enjoy intense eye contact by default; I just do not enjoy it because I simply do not know where to look (and I will not enjoy it until I figure out what exactly to do with my eyes). So my question is.....WHERE SHOULD I LOOK DURING LENGHTY AND INTENSE EYE CONTACT?

P.S.: (this has nothing to do with this eye contact issue I am having, but it is similar), I used to find some situations unpleasant, because I did not know where should I put my hands. Once I figured out what to do with my hands, I usually stopped having problems with unpleasantness of these situations.....actually, I found some of them on the pleasant now. So I think when I figure out what to do with my eyes, during this dating-situation eye contact, I will actually find it very pleasant experience.....

For me personally it is almost like being naked and drinking out of a fire hydrant; I look into eyes and I see so much personal stuff that I have to look elsewhere. Moreover I feel that my eyes communicate so much back that I feel it is almost a violation of my privacy. I don't know if other people (NT or Autistic) feel this way when looking into eyes, but it certainly how I feel. Being so "naked" in front of a person is not necessarily a bad thing, it is just a feeling of being so vulnerable and evicts something primal (but not necessarily sexual or violent) in my emotions. It is almost like another part of my brain kicks in (limbic?) and I have a hard time thinking (frontal/temporal?) With a man (especially if I like him) this feeling is only more extreme. I really have to trust someone to look them in the eyes a lot. I think given that many relationships end up in the "friend zone" before I am comfortable really looking them in the eyes this might be why I have a difficult time dating (ya think?)
(and this was just a funny emoticon)

I don't mind a little eye contact. But, staring at you like that when she knows you have AS!? Is she just testing to see if "the stories are true"? I would be a little offended actually. If I tell you I have a condition, a component of which is eye contact problems, and then you proceed to "stare" at me intently...I would be upset with the person. But, I am kind of an irritable prson anyway. Let me bracket this by saying that if I have already been dating a women for awhile and am comfortable around her then it wouldn't be a big deal. I need to feel comfortable with you first before you start pushing my boundries.

Sorry, I posted before reading this. Nearly exactly what I go though even today. When I have to speak with a doctor about orders it's very hard because in order to give a sense of confidence in what I am suggesting I need to make some eye-contact. Afterwards my head always feels foggy and my stomach is in knots. Ditto too when there is a lot of negative emotion invovled.

I didn't know that my recent ex- bf had AS (undiagnosed)-- so the lack of eye contact really bothered me and made me feel rejected in a way. Had I known, it would not have bothered me in the least.

Just explain that you have a hard time with eye contact and it makes you feel physically uncomfortable... with anyone. Reassure the person that it is not them, and that you enjoy feeling close and connecting in other ways. To me its no different than if someone likes backrubs or no backrubs. It's just one way of demonstrating closeness, but it's not the only way. I think with us NT's- an *unexplained* lack of eye contact comes across as avoidance/not listening/dismissal. That's why explaining your AS experience of it can help so much, and make your interactions more comfortable for both of you.

If I had known about my ex's AS traits and how that affected him, so much about our relationship would have been different, and I think we would have really succeeded. It's probably too late for us--- but I hope others can benefit from my loss. He was special. I'm sure you are too. I know your love interest would love to have enough info to make this work. My best wishes to you!

It's easier to look somebody in the eyes when they are a distance from you...up close, you will have issues with 'which eye?', but you can try focusing on other features of the face...her lips, when she speaks or makes an expression...look into her eyes occasionally to confirm your interest...allow the negative energy from nervousness to channel and express as a smile...that can be a hard one, but if you do that, she will understand what is going on with you

Agree with you Fraac. The more I trust and like the person, the easier it is for me to make eye contact and hold it. I've known someone for 15 years but dont trust him and so cant make prolonged eye contact, just brief glances. On the other hand I've known someone for less than a year and trust him and its easy making good eye contact with him, dont even have to consciously think about it.

And romantically, I LOVE the feeling of a girl that I like making intense eye contact with me. Gets me high.