Confused and frustrated by partner's lack of compromise

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I've been seeing someone for a year now. It hasn't been easy for various reasons, but mainly: 1. because of my erratic behaviour due to Asperger's and 2. because they have unresolved and undiagnosed health problems which have largely been the focus of the last 12 months (lots of waiting for test results with no answers)

They have accepted my quirks etc and been very understanding; I've been patient and as helpful and supportive as I can regarding their health issues; the health problems are not debilitating, but they do interfere with things.

They are extremely social, in that they have lots of friends and I've been expected to 'join in', which I've done, but it's been difficult and I go through stages where I absolutely do not want to 'join in' and very reluctant to oblige, especially when an 'encouter' is announced at the very last minute.

I'm supposed to be moving in with them and this really scares me for one, this would be the first time I've moved in with a lover; but my main problem is that I've been running around for the last 12 months for their every whim; this is unrelated to their health issues, it's the way they are, used to people doing things for them and unfortunately I've been too meek to say "No" to them.
I'm the one that goes to them every single time and they expect it; it's made my life for the last 12 months erratic, disorganised and very expensive, it has been very rare that they come to me and they only come for a very short time, when it's convenient for them and when they would be able to kill two birds with one stone by coming to me.

I've made issue of this with them several times, and they always say "I'll change, I'll come to you much more often"...........it never happens. We live within driving distance or train journey of each other, less than 1/2 an hour!

I'm reluctant to move in with them, because I worry when I do they will get things the way they want all the time; which is what is happening now.

They tell me how much I mean to them, but their actions don't really display this.
I feel used and like a dogs - body.
I'd just like them to show me that they are prepared to make an effort for me for once before I commit completely to moving in; it's not a grand gesture, but it would mean more than words to me...........(that's a song right?! !!)

We have fun together because our sense of humour is quite similar (a rare occurence to find someone that 'gets me' and I 'get' someone else!), but we don't actually do very much, which I also find dissapointing.


Am I wrong to expect them to do as I have done for them?
I don't know how to spell it out to them anymore than I already have
Am I just moaning with no good reason to?


Any advice or comments would be gratefully accepted.
Thankyou

Don't let them take you for granted. I know it's nice to go out of your way to do nice things for them but when you do it too often, they start to get used to it and take you for granted. To solve this problem, don't always go out of your way to do nice things for them. They'll start appreciating you more after they realise you aren't always there to do those things for them. Also, they shouldn't expect these things done for them at all. On the other hand, they may not be intentionally doing this either, because they may not realise they are doing it until you stop. I think you do need to learn to say no at times, because if you keep saying yes, they'll get too used to it. People can take things for granted very easily.

They may be unaware of how you are feeling. So, be sure to get them alone and sit them down and make sure there are no distractions. Try to explain to them about how this whole situation is making you feel and that you want a compromise. Explain you feel that there are times where you don't want to socialise. Do they know about your Asperger's? If they don't know entirely how Asperger's affects people and they lack understanding, it could be that they have no idea how this is making you feel. Just try and be as open as you can with them about the whole thing and surely you'll be able to resolve the issue with them. Try to explain to them how your Asperger's affects you and that you can only take so much.

As an NT, I would say that it seems like moving in may be premature at this point. If you are feeling rushed into this, and you already feel as though the relationship is unbalanced, it is not a good idea to introduce the extra strain of being in close quarters. That tends to amplify tensions, rather than diffuse them.

Moreover, the thing I wish I would have realized about my bf/ex ( I didn;t put together the AS thing until after) is that his routines offer him an active way of decompressing from stuff he finds stressful, or just overstimulating/draining. I wouldn't want to intrude on his haven. It sounds like your routine/flow would be interrupted by attending to this person's needs. Add to that the feeling of being taken for granted, and you have a recipe for resentment. Those things have a way of casting a shadow on peripheral issues that would otherwise be minor too.

It sounds like maybe you want to delay this major decision. Why not tell your lover that you care for them very much, but think that moving in together at this time might cause more damage than good, and that you would rather wait until a time when moving in would ADD to your closeness rather than feel rushed. Reassure the person that you are doing this because you VALUE the relationship enough to want to do all the major stuff the RIGHT way. You can even tell them that right now, you would prefer to direct your energy to making the relationship healthier and stronger so that you can reconsider moving in together from a position of strength rather than stress.

Just suggestions. Trust your gut. Moving in together should not be a matter of convenience or obligation. It should be a natural event that results from progressively feeling closer and more comfortable with a person--- to such extent that you feel better when they're near, and feel like you are a great TEAM with each other.

Hope this helps. Sorry for the rambling length!

Thank you all for your input, it's good to hear someone's opinion from 'the outside'; you all seems to have similar thoughts about my situation.

I belive I've made my feelings known to them quite clearly, but perhaps they don't realise how much it's been affecting me so negatively.

I have to admit resentment is something that has 'creeped' into my feelings recently and something has to change soon or I may have to put an end to it......I can't see myself coping as long as I already have. However trivial it may seem to them or anyone looking from the outside, it's making me quite dispondent.

Thanks again.