My boyfriend of 6 months might have aspergers?? Advice pls!

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It seemed to me the OP's anguish (and mine) is figuring out whether the guy we care about is an "aspie" or is just being an inconsiderate ashhole. I had a friend with Aspergers who told me, when the movie and book "He's Just Not That Into You" came out, that almost every "sign" identified in "He's Just Not That Into You" indicating that a guy isn't into you and you're an idiot to stick around---would likely not apply to him, as someone with Aspergers.

Which leaves women involved with a guy who might have Aspergers wondering am I being a doormat to someone who is not treating me very well---and could easily do so if he were "more into me---OR does this guy have Aspergers and need about 500% more patience and require a whole different way of communicating and dealing with? If the guy has Aspergers, of course, ultimately one must decide whether they can hang. But being with someone who is acting a certain way due to how they're wired--e.g., being oblivious to things like how it might feel not to acknowledge a really special birthday gift--is very different than being with simply a jerk, who you're being super nice to and supportive of, and who doesn't reciprocate the way other people do.

If you are dealing with a jerk/ashhole and you're being super considerate, kind, bending over backward to accommodate and not pressure them -- you're wasting your time and are probably doing harm to your own self-esteem. If you're taking the same actions because the person has Aspergers it might be worth it. And if the latter, you then come to a forum like this to get help in deciphering what's going on with them.

I think THAT is at the crux of the OP's posts. I know it's mine.

to the OP and limeginger...have either of you found a support site for Neurotypicals that help family members who are struggling to share their life with somebody who has AS?

I'm in a similar boat to y'all, only my musician is married to me so we don't have that whole breaking up option as readily available....I cant tell if he is just the most selfish egotist in the world or if he has Aspergers...I really think its aspergers due to an overwhelming number of odd similarities. And I don't think he has a mean bone in his body for me...so I don't think he is a selfish egotist at heart. I love him and I just want to figure out how to make things work with him.

hi she-prays --

well, the fellow in question for me and I may well be "done," for good, anyway. Too many weird miscommunications, not enough information for me to feel I was ever on terra firma or to know I was making the best decisions for myself, inability to know whether I was acting like a guileless fool being played by someone who didn't care a fig about me --trying gently to understand him and his seeing any inquiry or discussion as unnecessary "drama" and negativity and not seeming to have any capacity for empathy for what it's like for me, his seeming to believe we have this unspoken almost psychic understanding of our deep connection, so why would I wreck that by doubting and by forcing actual discussion, and his feeling he was under some kind of unfathomable and highly painful attack.

Plus, he lies a lot. And --oddly enough-- although that bothered me, not too much, because they're like lies of a child who wants to maintain his autonomy and doesn't know how to create normal boundaries. Plus, he's a very poor liar, and it's obvious when he's lying (as with a child). I could tell he thought it was justified ---in the same way that getting suddenly angry and lashing out and saying rash weird things, like a child, and which he seemed to think I should know meant nothing and didn't realize that those lash-outs, even if I sloughed them off, left bruises and he needed to take ownership for having caused pain as real as pain as he feels--- because I was "getting under his skin" and he felt he needed to create room by lying. But even tho the lies I could see were essentially benign, it was tedious, and I felt I could never know for certain whether there were more lies that were less benign.

So....all that to say, this topic appears to be moot for me now. I'm primally bewildered. But there appear to be no answers. I hope someday to know whether this whole "thing" was an unprecedented case of my not reading a person correctly who happened to be a cad and an as*hole (I'm typically really adept at reading and understanding people) OR whether this was an encounter with someone with Aspergers.

I have to say, like you, my gut tells me that this is not a vicious sadistic narcissist. BUT the actions are very similar. The narcissist knows what they are doing, tho, at least on some level, and doesn't give a shit--or derives some pleasure from it. I tend to think a person w/Aspergers is more befuddled re: why their actions/inactions cause such distress. But ultimately, being on the receiving end or a narcissist vs an "Aspie" seems to be quite similar. For me, it hurt. And it was strange that the person could not understand or certainly appreciate how much effort I was putting in to be restrained, not react in ways that would upset them, give them huge amounts of space and room, and have weird thing and after weird thing happen all the time, like we buy our movie tickets, I say I'd like to get something from the concessions stand, and because he doesn't wanders into the theatre and finds a seat, or says "I'll wait for you" and then stands halfway across the theatre looking at the wall, instead of coming with and chatting. It's lonely. And constantly feels weird and empty. The connection that was there felt incredibly deep, and he is a total sweetheart and a dear and we share so many interests, and I felt like I understood and felt protective of his core being, and just really liked (and loved) him---from the moment we met. But I have to live in the mundane world, and want to feel actively like someone is more connected to me.

As for other forums? I didn't look very hard for forums for people in "our" situation. I googled a few keywords the other day and this thread popped up. I do wonder what happened with that 27-year-old OP.

Last thing: I spoke with a friend with Aspergers who is married to a woman without it, yesterday, and he said it's frequently exhausting to deal with his wife, and that it occurs to him that she probably is not very happy. He said this with some regret but in a detached way. He said tries---some times more than others---to do what he knows will make things easier for her, but sometimes he can't. Or just doesn't want to. Knows he could be doing more or better and choose not to because it's too much of a drain. He told me when she reacts to something he did or didn't do, it feels like it's out of the blue, and an assault on him, even tho he's learned this is indeed the way "nuerotypical" people react to things when he has felt he's just being himself and doing his thing. And when she gets "intense" (and what he described didn't sound all that intense: just emotional and focused) he said he would rather be anywhere but there--he wants to flee for the hills of hide under a rock. He just wants to get as far away as he can. Happy after 10 yrs of marriage? he said he didn't really think of "happiness" as such. He said it is never "awesome." He said his wife probably does think of happiness more, and she's probably not happy. And it would be too painful to discuss this with her. That he's fine with things, more or less. But his favorite relationship of all time was a woman he saw once a month or so, they'd hang for a few days pretty intensely, and then go apart again. That went on for a couple of years. Eventually she met someone and got married. I asked whether he thought maybe the relationship ended because his/her relationship wasn't enough for the woman; he said that question had never occurred to him, but probably.

I know I have my need for solitude and alonehood. I don't need to be in a relationship with someone where you're connected at the hip 24/7. A traveling musician? sure, why not? Music is a huge part of my life, I love musicians, someone frequently not being "on-site" is not a problem. So, in theory, I could probably do some kind of relationship with someone with Aspergers, but ultimately, Aspie or not, I needed more than this guy either WANTED to share/give or was capable of sharing/giving. It felt too precarious and unknown, and not emotionally fulfilling nurturing enough for me.

best of luck to you!

It was never confirmed either way, but I have come to the conclusion that either way he is very immature and not ready for a committed relationship. I found out he had been posting things on a social networking site (to and about) his exgirlfriend. So I broke up with him and I guess will never know if he had aspergers or not. I think he was just shady and i was giving him the benefit of the doubt trying to convince myself that there was an excuse for his behavior. His explanation for posting that he missed his exgirlfriend was because he was mad at me. Could be aspergers? I wouldn't think a NT (even a VERY immature one) would do that because its so obvious that eventually the girlfriend (me) would see it. It took me a week and a half to notice it but i did.

Lesson learned.

Sigh, i'm here with you both. Same exact thing. When i tried to bring it up with my guy (we are currently "friends") he said he couldnt make me happy and that it didnt matter why. This is before i know about Aspergers. But what you talk about is exactly what i'm talking about - when every NT guy lack-of-interest-signal would send you running for the door that you are wasting your time.
It won't change, i know that. Thats not the problem. The problem is he a) won't acknowledge/doesn't know/want me to know that he is Aspie b) I don't know what i am dealing with, and therefore whether i'm being led up the garden path. Even though i know (in my heart of hearts) that he is Aspie.
Can't walk away from him. Can't. I have such strong feelings for him on many levels. He is probably the most amazing person i have met in my life.
So, i keep trying to battle on with the absences, the silences, and the avoidance of said-topic. If we can make it back to BF/GF mode i can handle it. I've been handling it. I've learned a lot about myself, about relationships and what i thought they were. This man has so much to offer i'd be perfectly happy letting him do his thing. I'm independent and happy to do mine most of the time. Hell i've been single for a long time. But if we can't get back to BF/GF status then i have to walk away because i'm too attached. Then, in 6 months to a year i know i can be friends with him without still hurting from the loss.
Right now having such strong feelings for him and barely seeing him is devastating (he had to travel too).

All of these things are EXACTLY what i'm going through right now. The lying part (even though i've heard that Aspies are generally honest, or at least blunt)....the walking away part.....the tiniest thing that i want to talk about is a HUGE problem to him, yet I'm daily putting in a massive amount of effort just to be patient enough to be keep our relationship going...the Narcissistic vs Aspie ponderings....and the feeling that we have an incredibly deep connection and I've pretty much loved him since the 2nd or 3rd time we hung out....

Yes, i know he can't change. But until/unless he can share with me that he is Aspie, then i don't know how much longer i can take it. There is always that nagging feeling that i'm being taken for a ride by some weirdo NT and am going to get incredibly hurt.

He's not a touring musician, is he? it is uncanny how similar this sounds.

I'm so glad I subscribed to this thread. I had forgotten about this forum, and that I'd posted.

Well, my epilogue is we did go back into GF/BF mode right after New Year's, 2012. We had broken up the last week of October 2011. And this year he was very happy, and he seemed to be trying. We live on opposite sides of the U.S. most of the time, but he was staying in touch via phone and email, calling me when he arrived back to the East Coast, where he lives, telling me more about his life (by anyone else's standards, barely nothing about his life, but by his standards sharing a lot), answering questions that would be normal to anyone else but were of the sort that freaked him out and made him feel like I was encroaching on his "privacy"---but he did it. And we would get together whenever he was here (he lives 1/2 the time across the country from me, and is on tour probably 1/3 of the rest of the time).

But....he did sometimes still cancel abruptly---or weird things would happen, like he would be in town and we'd have plans but then I'd suddenly be free and say "hey guess what I don't have to do xyz -- we can spend tonight together!" and he would freak out and be FURIOUS and say "But we have plans for 2 nights from now! not tonight!" and I'd be like "Yeah, but we haven't seen eacho ther in 1 month, and you're leaving in 4 days, and won't be around for 3 weeks after that, so this is a bonus hang out!" And he got completely kerfuffled, saying didn't I understand he had to sleep because he'd been working and traveling so much--and he hadn't planned for this---and I didn't respect his need for alone-time. And he said he'd already TOLD me how much time he needed on his own and WHY did I persist in bringing the "same thing" again and again?!?

And I would say we can make it a super mellow night and go to sleep early. And he was like but you know us, we'll have sex all night, and I was like, well, we'll go to bed at 9 and even if we were up for 5 hours we still could get 8 hours. [And btw---he LOVED.....or seemed to love because I hesitate to assert that I know anything about him....the act of sleeping together---he would just curl up and hold me all night, and make sure our feet were touching at all times, and make sure I had enough pillow, and stroke my hair and kiss me---really the best man I have ever gone to sleep with.] And said he'd have alone time for 2 weeks 4 days from then, when he'd return to the East Coast.

And I told him I am not bringing the same thing up again and again. It may seem that way to YOU but these are all different instances and circumstances, and you may have the same reaction to it, but I wouldn't know that---most guys would be happy for another night of sex, if nothing else. But sex was weird too because he would get into it if it happened but he seemed asexual unless he was in that "Mode." Like it was a different ROOM. As he said "I don't go walking around like 'oh, I think I'll think about sex now'," and I was like "Well, no one DOES---they just think about it." He said he had been celibate more often than actively sexual. Which was so difficult to conceive because he was wildly passionate whenever he'd go into that "Mode."

BTW: when he canceled a date at the end of January I got upset----I said to him: "You said to me last fall when we broke up that we don't want the same thing and that we're not in the same place. I think you are right. And I can't hang anymore."

And he responded "No, we ARE in the same place. We DO want the same thing!! We just aren't going to be able to spend as much time together as other people. But it won't always be this way. Please hang in. We will live in the same city and we'll see each other whenever we want to. If I could, I would be with you every day. We just have to be patient and know it won't be ideal now."

He also said in February: "The very best, BEST times I've had --maybe *ever*-- have been with you."

And whenever we were physically together it was almost perfect. Seriously. Completely in sync. Fun, light, deep, beautiful, calm, exciting, filled with adventures.

And then he'd disappear....just drop contact. Would never call or text or email after a great time together (which I got used to---but, frankly, not having that kind of romantic bonding/communication starts getting old after a while---he figures we both know it was an amazing time and why be prosaic about it? or something like that--I have no idea). He said he spends 90% of his time, alone, in his head--which I believed. But then friend of his who I know showed me his Facebook page (he told me he hates Facebook because it is filled with drama and cliques and only uses it for fan/professional purposes, so we weren't FB friends) and he's posting all the time---garrulous impersonal but high-spirited posts. WTF?

And like the guy you're talking about, he had NO interest in exploring whether part of the recurrent problems he has with people migh have something to do with how different he is. And he had no capacity even very simply to address sh|t that came up. Like the capacity of what might be a 5th grader to discuss an adult intimate relationship---meaning, no capacity. And great anxiety and angst and then straight-up rage. No apparent curiosity whether other people relate and communicate with each other differently in healthy relationships. And what maybe he could learn or try differently.

And no interest, evidently, in understanding [capacity to understand??] WHY I might not be emotionally comprehending his actions, behaviors, or "odd" emotional responses, or lack thereof. Did not give a sh|t that objectively the things he did and said were not things that were intuitive to others, or like anyone I had ever known---and I am smart and quick, and also am known to be the person who understand most people---waaaay more than most people.

To me, his differences were ok, or at least we could probably work through them if it truly was WE acknowledging and working on them----however, it's NOT ok that he could NOT and would not cop to those differences---or be interested in seeing the negative consequences of doing some of the things he does, and understanding why people react to that. No interest in recognizing the context in which he lives----meaning, no interest in considering the *cause* and effect nature of his behavior and the subsequent "drama" that, to him, "inexplicably" and unnecessarily seems always to crop up.

Or even own that he has any part in catalyzing that "drama." He tells himself and others he is this evolved Buddhist, above "drama." is advice to me was to rid myself of "expectations" and live in the moment, not harking on the past -- when I would try to broach the disconnects and the impacts to me. For example, taking off work to see him and then he cancels and becomes 5x more angry and upset with me due to the fact that I was expressing my disappointment and frustration about his cancellation---sort of like the OP's boyfriend saying "Why would I want to talk to you about this Drama, when I could be having a conversation with someone else that's far lighter and more entertaining."

Intolerance about, basically, someone else's UNDERSTANDABLE emotional response to his doing things like canceling or disappearing for 10 days without a word, or having all these other things going on in his life that he wouldn't mention.

When we broke up 1 month ago, he bellowed at me: "You are needy, insecure, and DEMANDING!! !" These have never been accusations of me. I tried to say to him these were responses to always feeling up in the air and uncertain what was going on because he wouldn't talk about things.....almost nothing personal....or the context of his life. I would learn more in a 2-hour conversation with a stranger than I knew about this dude in over 1.5 years. No exaggeration. People usually want to talk to me. Almost anyone. They almost can't help it. I'm as easy to talk to as anyone. Not for this dude.

He would share almost nothing because

(a) he would at times say, "It honestly didn't occur to me" to mention it--and I could tell that was literally true, or

(b) he didn't know why I would *want* to know--because it's not interesting to talk about himself or personal details of one's life--and it is his life, not mine---and when I say this, I'm just referring to usual stuff people share, like he was asked to sit in to record with this band I know, or was playing a gig doing music that is of special interest to me---which he knows is of special interest because we had talked about that music since we knew each other---but he never mentioned the gig til the night before and he mentioned it in passing, and seemed surprised I would be interested---like he could only see it as HIS thing, not that he was playing music that **I** love

(c) considered it none of my business. He actually once said when he was angry "When we are together I am with you completely, and when I am anywhere else it's my own life."

I was like, well....yeah, but can you blame me for thinking that sounds like you're hiding a lot? Which he would go ballistic about---WHY would I think he was hiding anything? why would I be so insulting after we had just spent this great time together and there was all this good feeling? I should KNOW him better than to say he was someone who would be fooling around or whatever? And I *did* know him well enough (I think?) to know he wouldn't be fooling around with anyone....but why be *quite* so self-protective and "private" if he wasn't hiding something? Why would be want me to know SO little about him? And be SO defensive when I wanted to find out about his life (and his internal life)??

Anyway---long, long story wrapping up----he was planning to come stay with me in March, and directly beforehand we had an argument. It was because, before he got here and we'd be sleeping together and frolicking around, I NEEDED to talk about something that happened recently. I just needed to clear it out. But he only wanted to talk about things that to me are **impersonal** topics. Granted, to him they are not impersonal. To him they may be deeply personal, because they are things we discuss and bond over---but they have nothing to do with the reality of what was going down with us, and they have no overt emotional content to them. They're Topics we both care about.

So, I said I didn't want to spend the weekend together if we could only talk about impersonal topics---and that did it---he said [as he has said each time we break up] that's it---we're over. Clearly, he said, I wanted a relationship and he didn't. He is a free spirit and touring too much. I tried to convey to him----as I always do and he never seems to get it or believe it----that I don't need a 24/7 making-pancakes-in-the-kitchen-together relationship. That **I** also need a tremendous amount of freedom and autonomy. And that I have NEVER been upbraided for being up in someone's grill because I give people SO much space. I can deal with being together only 1/4 of the time for now because I have TONS going on myself. But he didn't care, or hear it, or believe it.

And he emailed: "I didn't give you what you wanted or needed, and there is no way for us to reconcile that. I will never be the person you want me to be. I've said that clearly before, and I'm saying it again: I will never be the person you want me to be. And that's not negative, it just is. I'm fine with myself. It didn't work and that's all it is."

Which----again----is not exactly true. And people who know him say that since we broke up he goes from manically socializing (which is this sort of odd one-off way of socializing, like almost seeming like a usual guy but it all seems forced and over the top) and being morose.

I am in the process of seriously stepping away. It is not the first time---it's the 3rd---and I hope to god it's the last. I just wish he had shown any interest in EVER in seeing my point of view, or trying *anything* slightly different. But I guess he can't. He certainly won't. And then....maybe just didn't want to. He told me I was among the people he is closest to. I wish it had felt that way.

This happened 1 month ago. I was devastated, almost immobilized, for 3 full weeks. To lose him AGAIN. Gutted. I'm finally pulling it back together.

final epilogue---he called me last night, at my request, to discuss a work situation that he knows better than anyone else---talked for 1.5 hours. And I realized/remembered how impersonal he is. Even at our best our conversation would be almost identical to this conversation. He was willing and very able to get into the guts of the matter, but his suggestions/solutions i realized were all....socially and emotionally unsophisticated (I apologize to the people on this board who are Aspies---I mean no disrespect about any of the above). He has no understanding of nuance or organizational politics. And his recommendations, I realized, were like solving a math problem. Not factoring in human realities---not even seeing the potential for---that which he would consider "unnecessary drama" happening if I followed his advice. If I followed his advice there WOULD be all sorts of "Drama" because I would be bulldozing and not recognizing and respecting how people FEEL about this workplace.

We talked for 45 minutes beyond the work conundrum---about music and movies and things like that---which are the topics we would always talk about. And it was cool, sure....it was fun enough...he's a rare person, fascinating in so many ways, very smart with interesting **sensitive** insights into music and movies, etc. BUT at the end of the convo when I asked him how he has been, he had nothing to say, other than "Pretty much the same--nothing new here." And when I said "So what's been up with you?" he said "Playing with x and y--we went to this city and that city." "Well, how are you, tho?" "I'm tired. It's late here on the east coast and I have to go to sleep." All literal flat responses. And, as said, this is what he would have sounded like even at our tightest. Dry, not juicy. Not **really** connecting. Not really.

For the first time since I was in my 20s, I had to start seeing a shrink, because the break-up was so awful. And because I did not, and do not, know what I have been dealing with for over a year and a half. And why would I have been with this person? My shrink said -----before I even mentioned Aspergers----- he sounds likes someone who has dissociatve states, and has compartments for his life, and seems emotionally disaffected. She asked whether he might be high functioning autistic or have Aspergers. She said being with someone like this----who is NOT aware of their diagnosis----is a mind f**k, and would mess with anyone's sense of stability or reality because the behaviors mimic those of a cad or narcissist, and there's little way to know the difference.

So that's it. Basta. I wish you good luck with your guy. I don't regret my involvement and patience. But I feel very little satisfaction that we ever truly had a WE. I could tell he felt "close" to me last night in the way he does. And I've got enough distance from him now that I thought....wow, this is not closeness at all. And if we were to have continued, I would always be suffering a little bit. So, I am [mostly] relieved it's done.

Last edited by limeginger on 12 Apr 2012, 6:27 am, edited 5 times in total.

This was my first thought as well.



OP, you've already said that he doesn't think that he is autistic, in which case leave the subject alone, forcing the issue down his throat will make him resent you.



What kind of response did you expect? It just makes it sound to the guy like you are putting everything on him and you seem to have the idea that you are completely faultless. If he's constantly on the road for his job then there is probably a lot of pressure for him, the last thing he needs is his girlfriend being clingy and nagging over the fact you don't communicate every single day. He still loves you doesn't he and hasn't said he wanted to end the relationship? Right there you go then, shouldn't be a problem.

Perhaps instead of being selfish wanting everything your own way, you should consider yourself lucky that he still wants to be with you.

*edit* just realised that probably sounds a bit harsh but seriously I think you need to cut your boyfriend some slack.

@limeginger-

Everything. EVERYTHING you just said.

My heart jumped a little cos it could be him, but wrong job, location etc.

I cant write much am on my cell, but let this be said:
To every Aspie reading this, we know you can't change-by definition-but this description is EXACTLY how an NT feels when trying to have a relationship with you.
I hope this might give hope that if there is ANYthing here that might cross the wasteland of differences and help Apies with relationships, its written right here.
To a T.
i'm actually speechless..

My battery is out..

Boston - thanks for your post.

I really purged a lot here, knowing it was possible someone might take pot shots at what I said, but did so because I wanted *you*---and anyone in the future who googles "apergers and relationships" and lands in this community (as I did)---to hear this story, in case it's useful or resonates or bears witness to your own experience. Plus it was cathartic to share it.

Part of the issue throughout all of this is my family and friends have been horrified at my relationship with this guy. A few friends have ended our friendship because they couldn't stand seeing me giving him the benefit of the doubt to "that douchebag," saying I had become a "doormat." When I mentioned this to the guy---thinking maybe some data points from the outside world about people's reactions to what he would do or say might possibly make some impact---he would simply get furious, like "Why do these people think they know me?" (which isn't even the point) or "How could they possibly see you as a doormat? you know you're not, right?" And when I would say, no, I know I'm not--but this is just to illustrate what my flexibility and understanding and giving the benefit of the doubt looks like---how extreme and odd and abusive it looks to others. He would be sort of wounded--but more perplexed and angry, again, at people's inexplicable Drama. Not like...whoa, maybe I should wonder why people would have this reaction.

Anyway, I think I've shared/purged pretty much everything. Thanks for creating the opportunity for this cathartic sharing. I actually felt so much better today, after having written that long post last night. Most of my friends cannot bear to hear about him anymore because they all think he's a complete sh|t. And to reflect "out loud" about things like our phone call and how, in reality, it was somewhat fascinating intellectually and emotionally so flat and dry as to be dissatisfying. ultimately---my being able to realize and articulate that marks what I believe will be a notable turning point. I barely thought of him today. And when I did, the yearning just wasn't there as much.

Finally----I want to move on from this, but someone really should start a forum of people involved with Aspies.

my best -
limeginger

To every NT reading this thread: please, please understand that not all of us are like this. I know you are hurting and i feel for you, but please don't write us out of the picture just because of our diagnosis. We are people as well and as individual as you, not only in our personality but in our symptoms too. Also, there are ways in which we can change and ways in which we can't. For example, two weeks ago my flatmates asked me to leave. They felt that they did not know me, that we were incompatible people, and they said that I made their friends feel really uncomfortable and it was as if I did not know how to socialise. They said that I didn't behave in a logical way, and that basically I didn't react in the way they expected me to. They felt like they all needed to spend time away from the flat because I was here -- I was breaking them apart. In fairness to them, I was spending a lot of my time after work alone. What ended up happening was they spent time away and I misread that as them being busy because they are students, rather than as a flashing neon sign saying "HELP!" The thing which hurt me the most, though, was not their comments but the fact that all of this hit me right out of the blue. I had NO IDEA they felt this way. None. Not a sausage.

To cut a long story short, my mum explained that what was happening was that their needs weren't being validated, some of which weren't an issue for me so it didn't occur to me that they might be required for them. Also, because none of their tried and tested social techniques were working, they literally did not know what I was going to do in any given situation. I was completely unpredictable in their eyes. A friend of my parents came over a few days later and spoke to two of them to explain that I am an aspie and that it can be difficult for me to catch all their cues. On the back of that going well I made a deal with them and one of the remaining two. I said something along the lines of, "Look, the thing is that I'm not that great at social cues, and I think both of us misinterpreted what was happening. Because of my condition I am bound to say something a bit off at some point, but please understand that it is not malicious, and all I ask is that you let me know when that happens. I might ask for clarification, but I will make the effort to get it right the next time. In the meantime, I'm going to spend more time being available to you, and doing things which you are interested in."

I have kept my part of the deal since then, and the one flatmate who really hated me (and actually behaved appallingly towards me) is now starting to come round. I didn't tell her about the deal because I wasn't interested in talking to her about it until I could be sure that she wasn't going to bite my head off as she had in the past. She still doesn't know I'm an aspie, but I'll break that news to her soon enough. What happened to change her was a really small thing: on wednesday she came home to find that the bottles and rubbish still hadn't been put out and it was neither her job nor mine this week. However, the person whose job it was was fast asleep in bed and the other flatmate was away. It was pouring down with rain, and she said she wasn't looking forward to doing it because she'd already done it two weeks in a row. I nearly put it off myself until the following morning, but I realised that if I went out and did it now, then I would actually make it easier for the flat because we really can't survive another two weeks with a huge pile of bottles outside our front door. It doesn't look good and we needed the mental and physical space. So, I took out the bottles in the pouring rain and got wet doing it. The following day she thanked me for it, and we ended up having a good, if slightly awkward, conversation about her day and her job interview the previous afternoon. Today she even gave me a glass of wine, when she was sharing it with her friends.

I don't want to sit on my laurels; there is still a lot of work for me to do to maintain and grow the relationships between myself and my flatmates, but it is making a difference, I think, and we will get there. I think that as long as I can show that I am contributing to the flat by mucking in with everyone else, and that I am making an effort to meet them half way, then they will be able to overlook the little things and appreciate me for the person I am, rather than reject me out of hand because I unwittingly break their social rules.

As for not telling people we are aspies: the problem is that a lot of people hear the term and associate symptoms with it which we may not have, and it's very easy for people to become prejudiced against us because of that. My personal approach is not to tell people right off the bat, but to give them a chance to get to know me first. I feel that if they are happy with me without knowing, then it doesn't really matter whether they know or not. The difficulty comes when the situation is the other way around, as with my flatmates. My approach then was, "I don't want to tell them now because they won't be interested and will see it as an excuse." Again, I didn't realise they were struggling to socialise with me when I did give them the opportunity, and so I lost the window in which to tell them. More importantly, I didn't want them being prejudiced against any future flatmates who would be perfect for them in every respect, except for the fact there is this name dangling above their head. I tried so hard to do the right thing for them that in the end I undersold myself and nearly lost everything.

In conclusion, even if you have been jaded and demoralised by an aspie bf/gf in the past, please give us a chance. We're not all the same and some of us will bend over backwards (within reason) to make the relationship work. Chin up!

It is almost scary how similar the stories of left behind NT women sound. Different cultural background, different age, different personalities but some things seem to happen like a natural law:

- The sudden disappearance at the point when you think the relationship is great and there appears to be a deep connection
- The feeling not to know you AS partner at all
- The very unexpected change in behaviour of the As partner
- The burning all bridges at some point

My theory is the following:
Whenever you are too close, the Aspie suddenly becomes frightened and feels the need to escape. If necessary, forever.
Some Aspies over-compensate some deficits during courtship and at the point where they got what they desired, they simply stop acting.

I could accept temporary shut-downs, quirkiness and I could even live with some sudden anger. But if the communication stops, the end is not far.

But then the question comes up as to what amount of time is deemed "temporary" vs. "forever". With so many variations of AS comes so many shutdown durations (i.e. someone could shut down for hours vs. needing a week to recharge), and unless both parties can educate themselves and come up with a plan during shutdowns, almost every single AS/NT relationship will go to the dogs

It is not primarily a matter of time, it is a matter how it is communicated. If my bf disappears without warning, my initial thought is: He does not love me anyomore, there is someone else etc., etc. If he explained that he needs some space for himself, it would be manageable. But just disappearing creates uncertainty, mistrust and anger.

Except that the concept of a shutdown translates to an inability or a severely limited ability to communicate (directly) with others. If you're telling him he needs to communicate with you during that period, I don't see why there can't be a shift or a least a deflection in initial thought on your part.

Catsas' post at the end of this link is probably the best way to word it. If there's still troubles with it after...I have no idea, then

Good link.

But the problem is not me not understanding, it is his lack of connection to me. He was enthusiastic until he could feel safe with me. Then he dropped me.