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Is not having friends a turn off?

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ValentineWiggin
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10 Apr 2012, 11:15 am

Zinnel wrote:
What I have gathered here is that not having friends will not keep you from having a relationship. However, what friends can provide is a way to balance out your own social demands so that your partner will not feel as if its all upon them.

I think its easy for alot of aspies to view someone with no friends as still capable of having a relationship, because alot of us can relate to the difficulty of making/keep such connections. But I think that much like many of the studies posted here can overlook some things it easy for some of us to forget how friendships can provide many benefits even if they're difficult to form.

While having friends may or may not affect your appeal to others, its good to know what benefits they can provide. I would suggest that for those who do not desire friendships that you look into the benefits presented by others and see if you have that in your life. If not then trying finding alternative ways to bring such benefits into your life.
But if your desire for friends is low simply because it is difficult I would strongly encourage to keep at it, because so far no one said anything about having friends being a bad thing.

unless of course they're all one gender apparently :scratch:
you mind explaining that one hale_bopp, I don't see how that would be a bad thing?


It really doesn't have much to do with it being difficult to make any, on my part- I've never tried, because I'm not interested.
I'm sure learning to kayak presents challenges for many people, but then I'm not being discounted from relationship material based on my lack of interest in kayaking.


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10 Apr 2012, 3:13 pm

ValentineWiggin wrote:
Zinnel wrote:
While having friends may or may not affect your appeal to others, its good to know what benefits they can provide. I would suggest that for those who do not desire friendships that you look into the benefits presented by others and see if you have that in your life. If not then trying finding alternative ways to bring such benefits into your life.
But if your desire for friends is low simply because it is difficult I would strongly encourage to keep at it, because so far no one said anything about having friends being a bad thing.


It really doesn't have much to do with it being difficult to make any, on my part- I've never tried, because I'm not interested.
I'm sure learning to kayak presents challenges for many people, but then I'm not being discounted from relationship material based on my lack of interest in kayaking.


Then you apply more to what I said in bold. I only said the bottom part because its one thing to have no friends and not want them(aka you)......its a complete other thing to have no friends because its to hard for you to make them.


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nick007
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11 Apr 2012, 4:49 pm

Not having friends is kind of a turn on to me but I don't really have any offline friends & I think me & my partner could be each others best friends. I rather spend time with my partner than anyone else.


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The_Face_of_Boo
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12 Apr 2012, 3:16 pm

It's fascinating how hale_bopp, whom herself doesn't have friends and sometimes complained about this, doesn't tolerate a such life fault in a guy.

Same for Lex who was also friendless for a great part of her life.

I mean wtf ? You people can't tolerate faults that you have (or had for a great part in your life) them yourselves?


hale_bopp, if you'd reject guys based on that ...."fault", then start fixing it in yourself before including it in your guy's assessment equation.



This is like a fat girl saying "eww I won't date fat guys".

That's why I said this thread is full of hypocrisy.



Daemonic-Jackal
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12 Apr 2012, 3:27 pm

hale_bopp wrote:
Yes, and so is having only female friends.


You do realise that could easily be misread as jealousy right?


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12 Apr 2012, 4:04 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
It's fascinating how hale_bopp, whom herself doesn't have friends and sometimes complained about this, doesn't tolerate a such life fault in a guy.

Same for Lex who was also friendless for a great part of her life.

I mean wtf ? You people can't tolerate faults that you have (or had for a great part in your life) them yourselves?


hale_bopp, if you'd reject guys based on that ...."fault", then start fixing it in yourself before including it in your guy's assessment equation.



This is like a fat girl saying "eww I won't date fat guys".

That's why I said this thread is full of hypocrisy.

nothing hypocritical about that. at the time i was mentally unbalanced and i was a heavy burden on my husband. i guess you did not read the part where he begged me to make friends. back then i probably would have dated someone who didn't have any friends. but now i would not.

i have had 10 different therapists who helped me obtain better social skills over the period of a decade. i have also attended 3 different series of group therapy and an aspie group to help me learn to make and keep friends.

it was very very hard. but i understand the value of having friends, and i know why i had trouble with it before. if someone does not have any friends at all, then they will not be compatible with me.


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MXH
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12 Apr 2012, 4:25 pm

So people what have we learned here? for me its that just about anything can be a turnoff and is easily justifiable to be so



The_Face_of_Boo
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12 Apr 2012, 4:40 pm

hyperlexian wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
It's fascinating how hale_bopp, whom herself doesn't have friends and sometimes complained about this, doesn't tolerate a such life fault in a guy.

Same for Lex who was also friendless for a great part of her life.

I mean wtf ? You people can't tolerate faults that you have (or had for a great part in your life) them yourselves?


hale_bopp, if you'd reject guys based on that ...."fault", then start fixing it in yourself before including it in your guy's assessment equation.



This is like a fat girl saying "eww I won't date fat guys".

That's why I said this thread is full of hypocrisy.

nothing hypocritical about that. at the time i was mentally unbalanced and i was a heavy burden on my husband. i guess you did not read the part where he begged me to make friends. back then i probably would have dated someone who didn't have any friends. but now i would not.

i have had 10 different therapists who helped me obtain better social skills over the period of a decade. i have also attended 3 different series of group therapy and an aspie group to help me learn to make and keep friends.

it was very very hard. but i understand the value of having friends, and i know why i had trouble with it before. if someone does not have any friends at all, then they will not be compatible with me.



[you're oversenstive btw]

do you realize what him would miss out if he had the same stand back then (not going for friendless ppl)?


Think of this for a moment before reacting.



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12 Apr 2012, 4:43 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
It's fascinating how hale_bopp, whom herself doesn't have friends and sometimes complained about this, doesn't tolerate a such life fault in a guy.

Same for Lex who was also friendless for a great part of her life.

I mean wtf ? You people can't tolerate faults that you have (or had for a great part in your life) them yourselves?


hale_bopp, if you'd reject guys based on that ...."fault", then start fixing it in yourself before including it in your guy's assessment equation.



This is like a fat girl saying "eww I won't date fat guys".

That's why I said this thread is full of hypocrisy.

nothing hypocritical about that. at the time i was mentally unbalanced and i was a heavy burden on my husband. i guess you did not read the part where he begged me to make friends. back then i probably would have dated someone who didn't have any friends. but now i would not.

i have had 10 different therapists who helped me obtain better social skills over the period of a decade. i have also attended 3 different series of group therapy and an aspie group to help me learn to make and keep friends.

it was very very hard. but i understand the value of having friends, and i know why i had trouble with it before. if someone does not have any friends at all, then they will not be compatible with me.



[you're oversenstive btw]

do you realize what him would miss out if he had the same stand back then (not going for friendless ppl)?


Think of this for a moment before reacting.

i had friends when we were first together.


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blunnet
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12 Apr 2012, 7:51 pm

ValentineWiggin wrote:
What was the overall point, again? About why having *no* friends (I would think "not having friends", the thread topic, would mean zero)
is a turn-off?

Didn't we get "evidence" through "accurate" studies on the human race on why is it a turn-off?



ValentineWiggin
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14 Apr 2012, 12:19 pm

blunnet wrote:
ValentineWiggin wrote:
What was the overall point, again? About why having *no* friends (I would think "not having friends", the thread topic, would mean zero)
is a turn-off?

Didn't we get "evidence" through "accurate" studies on the human race on why is it a turn-off?


:lol: I like the quotes.


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14 Apr 2012, 4:35 pm

I think volunteer work would expand your acquaintances which may in turn make you friends.

I do agree though about Lex's point that a friendship should become paramount BEFORE a relationship can even occur.

Why would I date someone who doesn't let me know what they are like first?

Same with being in every social interaction with them...I like my space, and so should the partner. Being inseparable would be both draining and form stress in the relationship...this is why young couples break up too easily these days.


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ValentineWiggin
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14 Apr 2012, 5:10 pm

CrazyStarlightRedux wrote:
I think volunteer work would expand your acquaintances which may in turn make you friends.

I do agree though about Lex's point that a friendship should become paramount BEFORE a relationship can even occur.

Why would I date someone who doesn't let me know what they are like first?


That's what the whole dating process if for-getting to know someone.
That doesn't imply platonic interaction.


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14 Apr 2012, 7:12 pm

hale_bopp wrote:
Yes, and so is having only female friends.


Out of curiosity, what is it about those types of people that turns you off?


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14 Apr 2012, 8:18 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
^^ then i must be a turn off for hale_bopp, because i didn't have real friends for a long time and my current ones are female.
but I recall that hale doesn't have friends IRL either.
Weird, he who lives in a glass house shouldn't throw stones!
This thread is annoying and full of BS judgement, double-standard and hypocrisy.
I mean, wtf, this is an Asperger forum, a lot of people here are socially inept and don't or can't make friends yet some of you are still valuing people by their social life situation?

f**k off!


Calm down cuz. I do have friends. I'm very dramatic ;) (I consider YOU a friend, or I wouldn't talk to you on msn btw :P)

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
It's fascinating how hale_bopp, whom herself doesn't have friends and sometimes complained about this, doesn't tolerate a such life fault in a guy.
Same for Lex who was also friendless for a great part of her life.
I mean wtf ? You people can't tolerate faults that you have (or had for a great part in your life) them yourselves?
hale_bopp, if you'd reject guys based on that ...."fault", then start fixing it in yourself before including it in your guy's assessment equation.
This is like a fat girl saying "eww I won't date fat guys".

That's why I said this thread is full of hypocrisy.


I have friends silly. Also boo I'm more than happy to die a lonely old b***h with no husband ;) It really isn't anything against you, or anyone else - It's my problem, don't make it yours. :P

Daemonic-Jackal wrote:
hale_bopp wrote:
Yes, and so is having only female friends.

You do realise that could easily be misread as jealousy right?


Yep. I just think it's warning bells - I'd rather date a guy who is comfortable with both male AND female friends as opposed to only befriending women, which is kind of strange.



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14 Apr 2012, 11:33 pm

CrazyStarlightRedux wrote:
I do agree though about Lex's point that a friendship should become paramount BEFORE a relationship can even occur.

Why would I date someone who doesn't let me know what they are like first?

Because you don't want to get friend-zoned


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