What does this mean...? (after a breakup)

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If she'll date a stoner despite claiming to hate weed, what makes you think she couldn't be unfaithful even though she says she hates cheating? Sorry but it sounds like you are just making excuses for her now and don't want to take her off the pedestal you have put her on.

What some people claim to despise, they'll often secretly desire.

See this is something I know you're wrong about. She is someone who would never cheat. Hell in her relationship before mine the guy beat her and s**t and she still didn't cheat... It's something that we've had long discussions on and having known her for so long I know she is someone who wouldn't cheat ever... I honestly think this is just is just a rebound... And I know she doesn't secretly desire a stoner or to smoke weed because before me and her got together I was a casual stoner and she asked me to give it up once we did. And back like 6 months ago I slipped up on smoked a bowl with a friend and she was utterly devastated to the point where she didn't even want to talk for a while... And there are plenty of other things too (especially some of her own private family matters) on why she has legitimate reason to hate weed... This just doesn't make sense...

That sucks, I think the best policy for this type of situation is absolutely not letting yourself send any messages before you have a clear head no matter how tempting.
You will probably just make things worse.

So earlier I had sent her

"Like... I understand *so and so* is a nice guy and he treats you well but I thought you hated marijuana and didn'tlike when people were very public about smoking it... I'm not saying this to be mean or to be against him because if he makes you happy then that's great. I'm just confused... And when you broke up with me did you already plan to get together with him...?"

And she responded.

"He makes me happy and he doesn't smoke that often... I don't really mind... He also doesn't act stupid when he smokes. And maybe a little... I was just falling apart from you for so long and you weren't trying to make an effort... and i mean he's always so kind..."

Does this mean that if things don't work out between the two of them she might take me back if I can show her how much I've changed...? She has confirmed that if I give her space she will be friends with me... All I want is for her to be happy. And if she just wants to be friends I'm okay with that. But I mean of course I'm not against being together again...

Wasn't for me when I broke up with my girlfriend of one year, I actually kinda preferred it.

Let this one go. There'll be others, don't worry.

Unfortunately you have just proven the problem right there. You sound like a nice guy but at the same time like a total walkover. Your following post also proves she is a hypocrite who is prepared to move the goalposts and apply different rules for different people whenever it suits her. That in itself is evidence to suggest that she is a liar and not being truthful with you.

Seriously you need to stop burying your head in the sand and truth be told, you really are better off without her, just move on.

I've decided to just try and move on and move to Texas...

Woohoo! You're moving on! It's going to be painful.................. and you're going to want to call her............ delete that number to save yourself from drunk dialing.

Actually you know what... I'm gonna get her back... I love her too much to just let her go. And I know deep down she still loves me too. I'm going to leave her alone for a few weeks but I know that I will get her back. It's my lifes goal.

You should set yourself some less delusional life goals, and if you're lucky...a renewed nterest in you from your ex might be your reward

"The man she fell in love with" - have you looked into what is different about you now, and then? Not necessarily how you treated your ex, but how you were as a person. What you did, how you used to compose yourself, your esteem and such. Maybe you could figure out what's supposedly missing now if not for a future partner, at the very least for yourself. Recapture something great that has been lost, and no not the girl.

There is no point trying to convince yourself she loves you. Even if she does, at least give her the freedom to move on and make this "mistake", and then come back to you. As Sting once sang, "If you love someone, set them free"!

Any tips on getting her back...? I know this current relationship of hers is just a rebound and that it will probably end in a few months... And I'm going to be ready to comfort her when that happens... Today I wrote a song for her and posted it on Youtube and made it a private video... I plan to send it to her in a few weeks... I don't really want to post it here because I'm not a very good singer... But like she loves sappy things like that... I feel like she'd like lit...

I sent this as a friend that I've been talking to about this... It explains a bit.

"Let me tell you kind of what had happened before we broke up.

Back in the later summer of last year my parents started having really bad problems which had an effect on me and I just tried to ignore and didn't tell *her name*(the only thing I never told her...) because I just wanted to act like it wasn't happening... It had an effect on my mood... I then moved into *her name* house and at first it was great because I was living with her, but her dad was terrible... And it was a nightmare living there because of him and I had nobody to vent to because *her name* didn't want to hear it because she realized that things weren't going well with me and her dad and she just thought ignoring it would make things work... Then on Thanksgiving of last year me and her dad got into a fight because he was in a bad mood and I was having a panic attack for some reason and it was a huge catalyst that caused her parents to hate me and I got kicked out of her and moved back with my parents... And that made my depression hurt even worse... And from then on me and *her name* just started kind of growing more apart... We still loved each other but we were both just hurting so bad and we both had nobody to talk to about our relationship so we just kept drudging through and kept fighting without trying to get help... During that time me and her almost broke up a few times because of our fights (they were never physical just verbal, and no name calling either just kind of yelling...) and I promised I would get better but the thing was was at the time I didn't know how to get better... And things just got worse and worse... And then she started talking to *his name* a lot a few weeks before our breakup and she got really distant and begged me to treat me like he treats women, and then we just broke up because she couldn't handle it anymore... That night I did a lot of thinking and realized that I had been blind for so damn long... I shouldn't have cared about all that pointless s**t that was hurting me I should have just cared about her... I know she still love me deep down and while she's ignoring it right now I know she still feels it... She's just afraid to be hurt again because I had said I'd change before... But this time I have... I know exactly where my priorities lie now...

But like before the fighting and even in the fighting we were still a perfect couple... We still loved each other more than anything... We were like something out of a movie... I just grew distant because of my depression and it hurt us... I mean, we had planned to get married, we planned to have a family one day...

Also another thing I should mention... During one of our big fights, and this happened back in October we got into a big big fight and I told her we need to break up because I wasn't thinking rationally and was hurt... I had my dad come and pick me up and went home, but almost immediately started calling and texting her... And she took me back because we couldn't bear to be without each other... Some of her friends told me that she was ready to kill herself over it because she couldn't bear to not have me in her life... And since that night in October she had never been the same... I know that if I was out of my depression things would have gotten better immediately but because I was still in the depression things just got worse because she was in a depression from then on as well... And then the Thanksgiving thing I mentioned earlier happened as well, but I know she still loved me because her parents were urging her to break up with me and she even went as far as to come stay at my house for a few days... I mean we had a couple really rocky bad few months and everything just kind of tumbled out of control and we didn't know at the time how to pull it together... But I do know how to now... I know I've hurt her, but I mean honestly while we had a hard few months countless couples have gone through harder... Some couples have gone through things much worse than what we did for years and managed to pick up the pieces and start again happier than ever... I just want to heal her, and I want her to see that I'm the man she fell in love with again... I just wish I had a time machine so I could have just shared with her about my depression in the first place...

Another thing that hurts is like her brother and his wife had broken up for a few months at one point, and after when they got back together they were happier than ever... I don't know why she isn't taking that into consideration, because they were going through things a lot worse than we did...

Also keep in mind she told me she still had feelings for me the night we broke up and said she wouldn't take me back because she was afraid she'd get hurt..."

Okay, Xenu, I'm going to say a few things, but clearly they're not going to change your mind. I just want make a few observations relating to my own, remarkably similar experience.

One of the biggest mistakes my ex made was thinking that he knew my mind better than I myself did. That is, he believed that getting back together was what was best for me, and that I had made a mistake. This is overbearing and arrogant. Please don't make assumptions.

One of the biggest mistakes I made was believing him. So I did end up getting back with him, partially because I was overwhelmed by how intelligent he was, and unable to keep my own thoughts in mind when confronted with the weight of his — I'm ashamed of that. It was fine for a while — but over time I realised that I was not happy, and I was incredibly, incredibly wrong to return. I was caught up in the romanticism of it at first, but that wore off so very quickly. So I broke it off again. We are no longer speaking — we were still in contact for a while, but he broke that off, which is fair enough. I made a lot of mistakes and so did he, and there was a lot of hurt between us as a result.

Now, you say this current relationship of hers is a rebound. Leaving aside for a moment the possibility that she actually has very real feelings for this fellow, have you considered she might be trying to send you a message? To say I don't want to get back with you?

I know little is going to dissuade you from trying to get her back. But if she expresses, after all your attempts, that she really, genuinely does not want to be with you — you have got to respect that, back off, move on, and understand that it is really what she wants. Otherwise, honestly, you are going to start looking unhealthy.

If she does get back together with you, though, then all I can say is good luck — and you had better put as much effort into understanding why she left and how to make the relationship work as you have trying to get her back.

EDIT: Just read your story. The similarity between our circumstances gets weirder and weirder.

Oh my god, this is painful to read. You really need to stop being so needy. Be man and move on with your life. There is no romantic gesture that will make her realize she loves you deep down. Anything you do now, after she has made it clear that she doesn't want to talk to you, will just make you seem desperate and pathetic. Those are not attractive qualities. She's not afraid of taking you back because she thinks she will get hurt. Emotions are complicated and girls will say a lot of things to try to explain them, especially when they are breaking up with you and feel like they owe you a reason. You have the best chance of getting her back if you just move on with your life, but honestly she sounds kind of controlling and you're probably better off hitting on new girls.

The best thing you can do for both of you right now is stop all contact. None, what so ever.

First of all, you need to move on. I mean that, it would be for the best.

Secondly, if you keep contacting her, even if there is a chance of getting back together (which is doubtful), it won't happen if you keep contacting her. She needs to miss you and she can't miss you if you are contacting her!