Aspie guys - can you relate to this behavior?

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Maybe one of you Aspie guys can shed some light on my love interests behavior. He is 37 and I have not seen him in any relationship at all but he does display his attraction to woman. I never know where I am at with this guy. We are not in a real relationship, the best way I can describe it is that we are almost in an invisible relationship but almost like best friends too. He works where I go for a sport I am involved in and I see him about 3 times a week for the past two years. I think he is probably undiagnosed but he has so many of the symptoms. I have just come to the realization that he probably has Aspergers early this week and I am NT.

It is pretty obvious that he is attracted to me by his behavior. When he sees me he tenses up. When I talk to him he many times stumbles over his words and takes time to answer. Many times it is awkward as he will just say “What?” almost before I am even done asking a question. Many nights he is very sweet and tries to flirt (although a bit awkward) but gazes into my eyes like he is trying to tell me something. I am a bit shy and have always wanted him to “make the move” since he is the guy. We have a great night hanging out and laughing and having fun and then the next day I come out *BAM* he’s cold, acts like he doesn’t notice me or make any eye contact. I always wonder what I did or said and sometimes I would ask him or text him to ask what’s wrong and he would not respond which is not unusual.
Then sometimes when either I thought he needed a boost of confidence or I just wanted to solidify a great night we had together I would text him “I miss you” and I would get response like “R U sick?” or something to that effect which totally floored me. But then the next time I see him he would try so hard to let me know he cares. Not by words but actions. Like nothing happened and his text response was some involuntary action that he was sorry for. So then we went through this time that we would send texts at night (I initiate) about general stuff but we always ended it by saying goodnight to each other. It was sweet. But then I would get the coldness again so I would withdraw. And while he was away I texted him asking if he even cared and wanted me to stay around, no answer. So a few nights later I again texted him asking for some kind of show of emotion and he texted back “***-off”. I was floored and this was certainly the end, I thought I am moving on. Well of course he tried harder than ever to be sweet and helpful and wins me over again…So, I am so confused. It is like just when I get the message ok you are not that interested in me, he tries harder than ever to show me he cares.

Now, someone suggested he might be an Aspy and I spend days researching it and it sounds like him. I read that you have to tell an Aspie what you want and not be emotional and ask for emotions. I can see that I have made the mistakes in the past and he has pulled away whenever I have asked him for some show of emotion. So this week, I text him….”I really liked it when you used to say goodbye to me”……and he texted me back “I miss you too”….that was his first verbal display of emotion that he ever gave me to I am thinking I might be on the right track. We’ll see. He also touched me this week, just rubbed my back which is also a first.

Anyways, can any of you relate to this behavior? I would say that maybe my behavior is a little hard for him to read. I tend to only tell him caring things in texts because I am pretty shy and that is easier. In person, I get a bit nervous and generally do not approach him much as it does seem to startle him and make him nervous. I wait for him to come to me.
He is much more nervous when we are alone. With a group all his attention is generally on me and works on drawing me in to any conversation.

I wonder if it is just a friendship relationship he tries to maintain without ever having to move to another level? That’s why I always get the push back and coldness after a good time or is he getting confused and frustrated and is that frustration with himself?

I love him and want to be in a relationship with him even if it is just special friends. But I can’t take the hot and cold so if someone can tell me what triggers the cold behavior I would love to know.

I can relate to this, as I have severe problems with people (Insulting them and generally demoralising them, even though I try to motivate them. [US Marine Corps style, don't judge me.]), but when I'm with Hannah, I am a completely different person. If you want my opinion, I think he does like you, but doesn't know how to say it, so if you do want a relationship with him, it may be better for you to take the initiative, but do it very slowly and gradually.

Find out what his interests are and make an effort to talk about that. Maybe just stop texting alltogether, and just talk to him in person since that's when he seems to be most at ease with you. I would be uncomfortable in his position too, but it's no fault of your own. He sounds like an aspie, so he bonds differently than you are used to... If he sees that you are interested in the same stuff, he might just start opening up more.

He sounds fairly rude though- is he worth the trouble? Getting your emotional needs met isn't going to be easy with this guy.

Yes, I question that myself, is he worth it? On one hand he an be very sweet and the thing is we do have something major in common which is a sport. He is a professional and I am a novice but we do have that in common and that's why we are together 3 times a week.
Sometimes I think it's like a game for him to push me away and then charm me back. But then again I feel sorry for him becasue he is so alone.
It's like he is two different people sometimes.

It's possible... I'm more confident when out of my home.

It's great that you share an interest already. Here's the thing though... The sweet little things new couples say to each other might be what makes him uncomfortable. In my case, it almost made me feel physically ill during a new relationship. I can feel the same exact way, but hearing it said out loud is uncomfortable and unnatural. So instead of sending a text saying you miss him, maybe just wait until the next day and talk about your sport. You might just need to coaxe him out of his routine very very slowly, and you could do that by sticking with more neutral subjects of conversation. He might be more comfortable with the idea of a companionship based around common interests, as opposed to a budding romance. That isn't to say he is not attracted to you, he just needs time to get to know you before he gets too close.

See I would have never known that having to say/text these emotions would make anyone physically ill. I can't even imagine it, but that's why this forum is so valuable.

He is also very attractive and attracts women like crazy. (as I see you are also) However, I believe once they get to know him and his quirks, they leave. So it's like he has had even more oppurtunities of being hurt and that's why his walls are so high now? So how has being an attractive male affected you?

thanks for the compliment Well, I can't notice flirting and I don't know how to do it, so when both men & women suddenly say they're interested it comes as a surprise.... Well I don't know if I'm a good example, as I just found dates through the internet. I like knowing what I'm getting into, whether it's a friendship or a relationship or fun. I also get very very attached to close friends and romantic interests, and I don't know how common that is. It takes me a long while knowing a person to get to that point though, as social interactions make me more nervous than anything in the world.

But once you get past the stupid pre-relationship hurdles, then the NT partner has to start dealing with the issues associated with being in a relationship with an aspie. I don't blame people for not being able to handle it. I've been in a relationship for two years now, and it's great, but I still struggle with basic boyfriend things and my quirks are often a source of annoyance. All of my previous relationships ended because of that... I consider those learning experiences though. When I was younger, being constantly dumped upset me- but that was before I knew I had aspergers. I thought I was just a weirdo or damaged somehow, but it helped me so much once I understood how my own brain works and what I had to work on.

Wow, Happy2know, this is almost exactly the situation I am in with my Aspie. We have known each other for almost two years and we have been best friends/asexual invisible relationship partners for about 6 months. We used to meet at the gym, too, he is a pro and I am a novice...the similarities are amazing. We are also both musicians, I am a pro and he is a novice. We started to teach each other and see each other several times a week. The difference is, when we met, I was married. We really enjoy each other's company and we now live together. But he does not like to be touched, he does not like to engage emotionally, a lot of times he treats me very coldy, especially after an especially good time together. I call it push/pull. I can use your advice too, gentleman!

That's me to a T. Or at least it was when I was single, which was a very long time ago. I may have changed but that's definately the picture of me in my teens/20s.

I recently made a post that I think might give you some insight into that type of behaviour:

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postp4571539 ... t=#4571539

I really think maybe you should read that.

Of course, I could be wrong, I'm just going by what you're saying, not there to see it. But it sounds an awful lot to me like he really likes you. The only thing I don't totally get is the "R U sick" comment. But that could be self-deprecation, or just, a bad attempt at sarcasm. It's not inexplicable. The big problem for me at that age was knowing how to react.

If you want to ask me any questions, feel free. I'm really candid on the internet where I can be anonymous.



Yep that was me too. In a group, all my attention would be on her because the group was threatening, and also, it was less personal and more casual. So not as much worry about stepping over any lines wrong.

Alone I could very easily get panicky, when approached. What it was, was the expectation to respond without knowing how. It sounds unbelievable I am sure. But that's what it was. If I was expected to respond - given the green light as it were - I found that terrifying. "Am I judging this situation right, is she really .... ? Little old me, really? That's hard to believe. What if I'm totally wrong? What if she is and I screw this up and do it wrong? Oh god, I like her so much, I wish she'd just jump me!" Time and time again. A HUGE factor was how much I put her on a pedestal. This girl was like a goddess to me. To even imagine displeasing her was crushing. I didn't realize how much that was a problem, in fact, I thought it was a good thing.

Idunno, perhaps it would help to make up a sort of story or just talk about that phenomena in a third-party sort of way. Like, "there was this guy that I [or substitute some other girl] liked once, but (fill in the blank) so we never got together, its a shame" Or, "I've heard some guys put a woman they like on so much of a pedestal that it paralyzes them, do you think some guys are really like that?" Idunno, might be worth a shot and just see what he says.

In the end, that is actually how I got together with my first girl, not for years later, quite late. Early 20s. She just jumped me. And yes it was risky, I might've not been attracted. Especially considering it was someone I had just met, she really had no idea, she just went and did it. I'm just talking about myself here though - I can't say for anyone else.



Keeping in mind, again, that I'm not there and I'm not him to say with certainty, I ran cold when I felt challenged to respond, for the reasons I've given.

Last edited by edgewaters on 21 Apr 2012, 5:22 am, edited 2 times in total.

Is it possible that he is acting this way because he expects you to leave like the other women have? Hence he is in those two sides as you believe.

A couple of things:
- You say that he has shown interest in you several times but the other day was the first time he touched you in years.
I see why you think that he likes you a lot due to the conversation thing and to be honest Im more than guilty of making sure that the person Im interested in is a big part on whatever conversation to try to find an excuse to talk about anything.

But eventually I try to take a small step forward and see where things go because as you quite a lot of females expect males to be the ones doing the initiative and its easier to go step by step. Judging from what youve posted it seems as he is stuck at this step and it may take him a while

You say that you´ve known him for years and you´ve texted back and forth for a long while, why dont you try to set up some sort of off group activity just the two of you and repeat it a few times to see if he starts getting it?.
It can be anything.
Im going to play frisbee tomorrow afternoon with a few acquaintances for example. Neither of us is an enthusiast, this is just an excuse to hang out together, talk and have some fun. Im sure that you can find some sort of similar activity.


Also I understand that you dont want to take the first step, but have you considered that he may never take it?.
I dont know about you but this sort of events usually trigger some sort of "what if I had done x" for a while in me and its usually best to avoid them imo

thanks everyone. This is so helpful. He is self proclaimed "don't like to be touched and hugged by others". So I think he would jump out of his skin if I just "jumped him.." ha-ha. I just picture it slow and easy.
He seems pertrified most of the time when we are alone and I don't know if it's becasue he likes me or becasue he is afraid of me becasue he knows I like him but he doesn't want me.
I also think he is ambarrassed that his family is a big part of his life because I think his parents help him out alot and he doesn't think it is manly.

Perhaps he doesn't even realize he's being rude during those times when he acts cold to you. Maybe he just wants space and doesn't feel in a very "social" mood. But I can't make any excuses for him if he acts genuinely rude and hurtful. If it turns out that he's intentionally being rude to you, then he's a jerk you shouldn't bother with. Sometime it's hard to tell with Aspies, though.

Well sometimes he acts like he is just in his own world and won't even look at me or acknowledge me and maybe we had a great time the day before, ya know and I am like what the hell? Is that rude? It is kinda. Then maybe I'll ask him if he's crabby and he'll say "I'm not crabby" and go about his business.
Question--- Can you be in love with a special person for years like this? Or does your love come and go?
What makes you feel comfortable with a girl?
Do you want the girl to make the first move?
And would you just like that to be a hug or something?
I am thinking about writing a note to this guy just telling him how much I care, how much I understand him and just how much I would like to spend some alone time with him. What do you think?