Tell me what to think about this

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Really now? Always? those absolute statements, gotta be careful about those. Especially sense it is not even close to correct.

Trust someone on an Aspie forum to respond with stats when faced with an unsubstantiated assumption! Thanks, Delphiki, interesting stuff (though too long for me to read in full).

Sex offender registration laws, just airport security laws, SOPA, the classification of 128-bit encryption algorithms as "munitions" and many other stupid laws, don't exist because of any rational reasons. The logic behind their existence goes like this: "Something must be done! This is something. Therefore this must be done." No research can stand up against such logic.

Um. Hi. This is kind of a big deal. If there was nothing about possible pedophilia in your message, this would still really really worry me. This is not normal and not ok.

At all.

It isn't something you should just step over and continue seeing a guy after it happens.

A sensible answer, the apocalypse must have come.

ok.... so here is an opinion from someone who dated an ex-con.

he stole cars, defrauded someone, did some "theft over", impersonated his brother (a lawyer), etc. i didn't judge him for what he had done, i embraced him as the person he was at that moment, standing right in front of me. i hoped he would reform just so that he could have a normal life. he couldn't, but that is a long story.

i even started to get to know him when he was imprisoned. he was a mutual friend. i wrote him letters and he wrote me songs and created artwork on the back of empty cigarette packages. i didn't judge him for what he had done. he was a flawed human being like all of us.

so.... given my history, what would be my opinion about the OP's experience? RUN AWAY.

1. this guy tried to pay you for sex. that is so far outside of acceptable social boundaries that it is kind of sickening. what is to keep him from randomly asking all sorts of unknown women to have sex with him for money? who knows where he has been and who he has one it with? EGAD.

oh wait, we KNOW who he has done it with....

2. he had sex with a 12 year old (or so. details may be slightly different for his privacy's sake).


you might think i am pulling a moral card here, but let's put aside morality for a minute. i believe he has severe impulse control issues with his sexuality. i think he may (given limited information) be something called a "situational pedophile" or "situation child molester" - someone who did this act because he was horny and the girl was available and vulnerable (as opposed to someone who is only attracted to children). i suspect this because he also crossed a sexual line with you, OP, by inappropriately propositioning you as though he NEEDEDSEXRIGHTNOW.


if you're having second thoughts about him and decide to get to know him better, ask him what he has been diagnosed with and what specific treatment he has received. i believe it is possible for situational pedophiles to be reformed but... jail time doesn't do it.

Each of you has a very good and valid point which I respect.

The statement about his lacking "impulse control" really is at the core of things. At the beginning, I was almost willing to overlook the bad judgement he'd made 20 years ago. He was in prison for 20 years. He was in a psych hospital as well, as is the lawful way the state I am in deals with child sexual molesters. (By the way, I am not a child, nor a young woman and neither is he. I am 52, he is 64 or so. I have my age on my profile. We old people also date. )

However, there was the suggestion of payment for sexual favors, and then I found out about a list of other things, from "dishonorable discharge," to other work and family related "bad judgements" serial divorces, always blaming someone else, and things that I consider manipulative and so on. Then, he began to speak on my behalf without informing me, for example, he went to my boss and told him I was quitting, instead of allowing me control over my life. I think he considered us a pair.

In other words, there is more to the story than I am saying.

Is it "Rude" to simply not answer phone calls and just cut off communication with a person? I am not sure I have the acting talent to man up to my reasons. Since I do not have the stomach for it, I don't know what else to do. When the going gets tough, I shut down.

I would cut off all communication and make no apologies for it. There are people that think as long as you are making contact-they still have a chance. So you might be talking to him to say you never want to see him again-but he doesn't hear that-in his head all he knows is that you are talking to him. I have been through stalking situations, and it's really scary. Make a clean break-you deserve so much better.

be cautious above all. you have confirmed he is impulsive, so if he went so far as to do things like contact your boss, i would wonder what he is capable of doing if you ignore him. not that he would get violent, but he could start calling your work to "check" on you, or come by your house to see if you are there.

Probably, but I do it all the time anyway, and for WAY less reason, sometimes for no definable reason at all. I don't owe anybody anything (except when I do).

Oh, in that case tell him to go to hell.

He called last night after I had ignored him for almost 2 weeks (he called alot, but I did not answer the phone.) I finally answered the phone (I am looking for work, and I thought it might be a prospective employer, and I forgot to look at the phone number. He started to ask in-depth questions, and I got exasperated, and said that I didn't have to tell him my reasons because it was a "free country"

Odd, but at that moment, I did think that he was "treating me like a child."

I can't stand this really. I am not a person with a huge sex drive, so I don't need that, and I like people, and have a few friends, but I see them maybe once or twice a month and that is all. I do not want to "hang out" with someone because my time is precious to me. I am an artist, and I produce my art work when I have free time. Going out to someone's house to do something trivial like watch a DVD (which is a ruse for getting groped) is not my cup of tea. I am one of these people who do not like to get touched by any one. The thought of kissing is enough to make me run the other way.

I think he is trying for me because he has an ice cube's chance in hell to get any other sex unless he pays for it. He's been in jail for 20 years and I am the only woman who he has been able to solicit for sex. Everyone else has been a social worker or a store clerk.

He's as much as stated that even if we did "get together" as a couple, he would never commit all the way (marriage), because he is into free love or something, or open marriage, which I am not.

Obviously this is totally wrong for me, and I have to break it off. I think a lot if my reaction is my aspieness though. No one else would want a 50 year old unemployed ugly single virgin. I basically have to take the bottom feeders if I want anyone at all. In a sense, I have never been attracted to marriage, and never want it. I went into this friendship wondering if I could get someone who could feed my pets while I was gone on the road working. I continued to see him because he was nice, funny etc, but my goal was always a "house sitter" and his goal was "a lover." I suggested "room mates" at one point, and he said he could never be a room mate (to a woman) without free sex.

This is all totally gross to me.

sounds like a creep

It sounds a little like you need to decide what you want. If you know for a fact that you do not want a relationship in advance-than it is wrong to lead someone on. If that is the case, you should look to a woman friend or find a women (maybe even likeminded aspie) for a roommate or housesitter.
I see so much heartache all over this love & dating section. What I see missing is something that we people on the spectrum have a really hard time with called compromise. You will never be in a successful relationship if you are not able to compromise. If I was being brutally honest, I would say that I have 0 sex drive and also HATE to be touched. I am a very cold distant person. My husband has a heart of gold-I don't know how he puts up with me, but he does. Men are wired for sex, and I know this, so I put my desire to not be touched aside-to make him happy. It's not easy, and it is a conscious thought process in my head, but it's called compromise. I don't want to be alone, so I compromise. I was just telling him that I am in a lose-lose situation, because I don't want to be alone, but when I am around people they annoy me terribly. He just smirked and continued what he was doing-because he "gets" me.
I am not talking about the guy you are dumping-because he is history as he should be. But I am talking about the future. I do believe that there is someone for everyone, and people find different things attractive. Being an artist-you are a beautifully creative person.

What hyperlexian said. Especially the part about concern over the potential stalking (or worse).

By no means am I recommending that you contact him, or how to handle things at all. However, one (possible, not guaranteed) way to reduce the risk of post-relationship stalking/craziness is to explain your reasons, exactly as you did here. Honest, simple, brief. "I was looking for companionship, not sex. You are looking for sex, not companionship. We have conflicting, incompatible needs, which makes this is totally wrong for me. I think you have many good qualities and I enjoyed the time we spent together. Nonetheless, I have to break it off now, and ask you to please not contact me again. I truly wish you the very best." The end.

Again, no guarantees. But I have dated a few loose cannons with checkered pasts, and ended contact in this manner. Respectful, compassionate, humane enough to give them a reason, but firm that they were not to contact me again. They all respected my wishes and left me alone (and in one case, I was surprised that he was able to control it).

One other comment.

No one has to take the bottom feeders - you only think you do, because you've defined yourself in such negative terms. Think of all the positive things you bring to the table, and stay focused on those. Maybe make a list, and keep adding to it. For example, you're 50 - not 85. You are creative - not a brain-dead zombie staring at TV all day. Your lack of need/want for sex may come as a huge relief to an older gentleman whose "equipment" doesn't work so well anymore, or whose libido has waned. Just be careful not to let a low self-image lead you into risky situations.

Without being cruel, unless you are at the lowest level of self esteem that can possibly exist, or at the highest level of human naivety that could possibly exist, this topic shouldn't exist whatsoever. It's such a no brainer that it hurts ANY brainer.

I agree that this topic hurts peoples brains that are narrow minded, and have never done anything wrong