Yes, in a way. I've moved past her and written her off, but the memory of she is lingers in my mind. She was the only female I ever felt true love and passion toward. Her touch alone could make me cry, she got me into several of my interests too and she was an incredible girl. We never dated, I actually..miserably tried to get into a relationship with her but I was jobless, living with folks. After awhile I explained to her that our friendship was so strong it was ok, she admitted to us being soul mates and we were confidants in many things. She was beautiful too. She had soft pale skin, beautiful ocean blue eyes, adorable cute "cat" teeth and a precious up turned nose I wanted to kiss. She liked video games too. She dressed so cutely too and I remember one time she visited me I forced myself to down as much alcohol as I could, I'm no drinker, and as she left I wrapped my arms around her. My chest was to her's, I was so sad. I wanted to be closer to her but I lacked experience with girls and she had tons of studs vying for her attention. Girls rippling with muscles, nice jobs and the like. That closeness though..those tears, it was so sweet. I was a virgin then.
A few years later I had sex with someone else who lacked all the traits of the girl I described and I just thought of how unstimulated and soulless it felt. I wanted "her" embrace, but I realized my precious friend had undergone a metamorphasis and she had also used me. When we begain talking she was rebounding from a relationship and still living with a slightly abusive fellow. She needed company then, she was a social creature. We met on an rp chat room actually. At first I thought she was a boy (Her character was male) but we started to talk more and more and she revealed to me the truth. We talked so much, we shared so much of our souls with one another in words. At the time we both loved to roleplay and make up characters, we did a lot of world building. She helped me and I was inspired and envious of her creativity.
Eventually she became involved with the anime con scene. She met a fellow and I saw less and less of her. I was younger, highly possessive of my precious beautiful friend but not quite to a stalker level. She made empty promises to listen to me on certain dates, she would give me her phone number to call and she would never answer, even if she promised. I would catch her occasionally on aim and lament to her how much I missed her and she would lament her life and her own tribulations..but what I was too stupid to realize was that this girl had become a woman and had no time for play. I was a "toy" he had outgrown to cope with loneliness .I was literally her teddy bear that she stuffed in the attic.
I maintained communication, but due to her own problems she was very rarely online. I would try to call her, leave her tons of messages. My grandfather died, I told her. No message. My cat, a HUGE part of my life too. That literally ripped me apart, Elmo, my 15 year old cat..was my best friend and more than a pet. She had a strong bond with animals and when she came to visit me that one Christmas Elmo had been missing but turned up. I remember as Elmo leapt into her lap and she rubbed, she said "oh my you've made -him- very sad haven't you? He's so happy to have you back!".
My cat's death was so huge to me, I cannot explain in words what it did to me. I was alone my entire childhood and Elmo was my pal. I lost him and I cried and screamed so much, and I wanted -her- to comfort me. No one else could. I missed her so much then...but I knew she wouldn't respond and that she was no doubt swamped in her own life. When the realization came to me I had to accept: I am not everything and people do not always keep promises they make years ago.
She stopped responding on facebook, defriended me, wouldn't accept my friend requests. I told her I loved her, so many things. Things I probably shouldn't have, given what I found out later.
After some snooping one night I was bored..I came upon a page and saw she had been married. I knew then I would never be a part of her life again. She had grown to a women with her own needs and those of a husband. She grew up, I never did. I felt lots of pain and hatred at her for not even inviting her "soul mate" but I realized I was being unfair. I shouldn't hate someone who gave me such precious memory.
If you read my posts you'll know I obsess over beauty and many things. Sex frightens me, it makes me feel gross. I've had it once. Touch bothers me, unless its just right. That one Christmas was so special. It was like the most beautiful princess from a heavenly kingdom of nothing but beauty and kindness came down to visit me. It was my special moment, I always ached to be noticed this way by a girl, not for sex. To be hold, to touch her face, to be cuddle and not laughed at, not called a "fa***t".
I got it.
I still miss her. The last times we talked we had a lot of arguments, she said "I want -you- to go make something beautiful, then you'll be happy". I've done nothing so long, tried things and failed so hard but after recent events I've decided what I truly want to do is write my story, draw and paint. Not because of her, but I remember those words.
My heart misses that girl she use to be, the girl that is a wife now, that is a women. I miss her smile, the things she did. How much love she made me feel. My story plays her out to be perfect, she isn't. She neglected and purposely ignored a friend in need very frequently and was quite the super star. All that hurt me so hard but its over now.
But I miss that girl, I know -she- will never speak to me again. I'm over that, but I've told myself, I will never allow myself to bond or even try to love a girl unless she gives me that whimsical, great feeling she did. If I have to spend my life alone I can have company in my book characters and draw the most cool looking or beautiful things. I opened up to my parents, I'm getting help for my problems and there's no pressure for going to school for what -I- truly want to do, even at this age.
I still miss her. I lock away those thoughts but as I type this my eyes thinking of that beautiful Christmas, worth a thousand stars in the sky.
I also miss my grandfather and cat (Elmo). They were two very huge parts of my life and until I am opened up to my parents I lived in a shell where they were the ones who cared about me the most.
13 Apr 2012, 12:47 pm
*Hugs*.
, Just someone told me that my friend used me as "his poketmoney",, it took me so long to realiz it, caus my heart was all white and I thought that we were best friends and bothers, I hadn't an option so I told him that it's over ,...... but damn it was sooo hard , my life went crazy sins that time ,
