long term relationships - how to deal w them

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this is a bit long, i know, but bare with me.

i have a spectrum disorder/aspergers. i've been dating my boyfriend for over 4 years. we've recently been having a really hard time. he's really sarcastic and it comes off as mean to me a lot, but he doesn't mean it always. and then since i think he's being serious, i get upset. and i'm a little bit over emotional because of different stuff in my life (not just this relationship stuff), so i'm taking things very personally and just break down.

i don't know if we're having a hard time because of our circumstances (broke and living in his parents basement, who are not very nice people and not very welcoming to us or me in particular) and that it's just straining our relationship...?

or because there's actually something wrong. i'm paranoid that he doesn't like me anymore.

i also caught him in a pretty huge huge lie that hurt me tremendously, so there's some serious trust issues on top of everything.

i just can't tell what's going on because although he's not on the spectrum, he's not good at communicating his feelings towards people - affection especially, which makes it confusing for me because i don't know how he's feeling.

is this.... "normal" ???
how do other people deal with non-aspie significant others?
is it worth trying to work this out?

It's pretty commonplace for people to experience those types of problems in relationships, so I guess you could say that it's normal in that sense. But, I think it's not really as important to worry about whether or not a relationship is normal as much as it's important to worry about whether or not it's healthy. And, if he's hurting you and you cannot trust him, those don't sound like healthy dynamics.

If you care about him, it might be worth trying to work out. The thing is, though, that both of you need to be willing to work on it. Have you talked with him about how you feel?

Also, you mentioned he lied to you and that there are trust issues as a result. Do you feel comfortable sharing what he lied to you about?

Hard to say what "normal" is, Aspie or not! Still - it doesn't sounds like a good situation and you're certainly not happy with it!

Have you been able to talk to him about all this - tell him your thoughts and feelings on the subject and what you might like in order to change them? Was he at all receptive or barely conscious?

If you want something better and he's completely unwilling to go there as a couple.... well... you have a difficult, crappy choice. Stay and make the best of it, or move on to something else on your own. (I'm sure other options exist that I'm simply unaware of.)


Best wishes - I hope things improve. I can't stress enough how important FULL COMMUNICATION really is!

1. Sarcasm / Joking: Sit him down and drill it into his mind that you have issues understanding his tone and aren't always sure about his statements. Suggest that you aren't asking him to stop using sarcasm (etc) - you don't want to change him any - but you need more obvious indicators. Suggest that when he jokes, it might be good to pull his earlobe (or whatever you guys agreee on) and YOU will tug YOUR earlobe if you are in a position where you need to know if he's joking, and don't want to ask outright.... he can tug his in response if he's joking, or shake his head if you need to take him serious.

2. BIG LIES are dangerous. Depending on the severity and the importance of what he lied about, and if it was an outright lie or just something he failed to mention (which can be lesser or greater importance than the first, depending) ... anyhow... that's so,mething you'll eityher have to detail for us or figure out sseverity on your own.

3. Yeah. when the parents are iffy about you and you live in thier house... that IS a stress on the relationship. Make sure you up the number of things you guys do TOGETHER, and AWAY from the parents. Bond.

Sounds like you're in a similar situation to mine;
I'm AS and I believe my partner has ADD - we've been together 4 years and 4 months.

I'm unemployed and he works, we can't afford to live together but I live in a horrible local authority flat and my boyfriend lives with his father who is a vile human being thus my boyfriend has developed OCD. We're both struggling financially, as I'm unemployed I'm obviously under stress and he's under stress due to his financial obligations, as he works it means we're not equals in the relationship. My boyfriends ADD behaviour triggers off my problems; e.g. he drums on things and the vibrations trigger off my sensory issues, in turn making me highly strung, he then gets annoyed that I'm so highly strung...or worse I spend all day getting wound-up ending in my being annoyed or having a meltdown (it's gotten to the point that I needed to go on antidepressants to ease my anxiety). My boyfriend is paranoid about other men, a while ago I discovered he'd been reading my IM's, so we have trust issues too.

All I can say is that your situation is perhaps not unusual - for any relationship - you're being on the spectrum can add more problems, however it's not necessarily the main problem you should be focusing on. Chances are you are like me; you're more emotional because your current stressful situation is making your problems worse and you maybe feel trapped by your current situation. Maybe you're only trying to save this relationship because you feel you have no options being without a home, maybe if it's possible you should try to get away for a while to re-adjust yourself and take a break from your partner just for the sake of your own sanity.

You need to find a way of explaining that to your partner, it is easier said than done as I myself am struggling to make my issues clear with my partner and the stress of our situation is just making matters worse. Perhaps try writing things down to try to explain to him or show him this thread if you're feeling especially brave, try to avoid blame but explain to him what the problems are and that you want to work them out - maybe leave this with him while you go for a walk to calm down before going home to talk. The issue of the lie however...it depends how big a lie and if it's a deal breaker for you - only YOU can decide if it's worth trying to save this relationship.

Sound advice above.

whew. first off, thanks. i'm not really able to talk about any of this with anyone (besides my boyfriend, of course. which i try to do).

he does know i'm having a "problem" with our relationship. he pretty much knows all the details on i think everything because i had a huge meltdown yesterday and i was actually able to speak and articulate my self more than i usual can. and he is actually very receptive. he might not understand what i go through or relate to how my mind works, but he really does try. the problem is when he gets frustrated by it. and i think a lot of our problems stem from bad communication - my issues (obvious reasons + a bit of stubbornness) and like i said, he doesn't like to talk about feelings much and is also just as stubborn if not more so than i am. so we end up butting heads. and it ends with a meltdown and a fight and then being able to go through it and talk about it and get some sort of closure.

but then, i'm always left wondering after them...

i guess i have trust issues. but not just with him so i don't know if that means anything.

i guess i just need to decide if i want this to work or not..... and i think i do want it to work. but i want us to be happy! i think our situation sucks so much (very similar to yours, Bloodheart). we think we've found a situation with some friends and we'll be able to move, but it's still up in the air.

but also, for me, and i don't know if this is a spectrum thing or not, - i'm not really sure what "love" is all about. i know i love my mom and my dad and other close family, and my old cat (haha), but... i know i like him. i know i like being near him, doing things with him, sleeping next to him, kissing him, etc. etc. and it's really hard to picture a future without him in it. so i guess i love him? it's just so hard to say though.

now i'm rambling. this should probably have gone in the "emotionally unstable" category instead of relationships!

It sounds like you care about this guy but he has to care about you too. When you are in a relationship for years things get harder and harder so make sure you are picking the right guys. Dont waste your time if you are already having doubts.

They sathat when someone is spying on their partner (ie: digging thru emails etc) then the trust is dead.
When the trust is dead, the relationship is on pretty rocky ground already.
Work on trust. Else find a new island.

I'd suggest getting out of that basement as soon as possible.