Wife has bad day, I don't know how to respond

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Hi. OK, this is going to be difficult for me.

This is my first post here. I know that customarily, one lurks on a forum to get the general "feel" of it, then makes a few small-talk posts to make friends, then branches out from there. But I really need some help quickly. I apologize for diving right in like this.

I also apologize for dumpling my problems into all of your laps.

OK. This is going to be a long post.

I'm male, 42 years old. I have Asperger's (self-diagnosed). I thought I was just a slightly odd person until my son was diagnosed with Autism and I saw a lot of similarities between him and me. I read up on Autism Spectrum and realized that I have Asperger's.

I've been married for 20 years. For the most part, my wife understands me, and my quirks. Especially since learning about Asperger's.

However, sometimes she comes home from work and complains about her boss. When he's in a bad mood, he acts terrible and yells at her, threatens to fire her, etc. I can't tell her to quit because there aren't a lot of jobs out there. She might be out of work for a long time, and we wouldn't be able to afford that. I'm out of work, by the way, so she's the only one making money.

I can't give her advice on what to do about her situation because she has, literally, already tried everything. She knows that all she can do is endure his tirades.

I read somewhere once that when someone complains, you should tell them a story of something similar in your own life, to show people that you understand how they feel. That majorly backfired. She got mad and said that I was changing the subject. She said I was being selfish and thinking about my own problems instead of hers.

So, now when she comes home and complains, I just say, "Oh, that's terrible." or something similar. The problem is, that isn't enough for her. She gets mad that I'm not supporting her emotionally. I have no idea what she's talking about.

I don't know what she's expecting me to say or do. I'm completely baffled.

A few days ago, she was in an on-line chat room with some friends of hers. Most of the people left until it was just my wife and a male friend of hers. She told him about her problems and he -- somehow -- was able to say what needed to be said to make her feel better. Afterwards she told me that she would never cheat on me, but that she now understands why some women do cheat. They aren't getting the emotional support they need from their husbands so they seek it elsewhere.

In every other aspect of our lives, she's OK with the fact that I have Asperger's. But in this one area, she's told me straight out that having Asperger's is no excuse. She can't stand it when she tells me about her day and all I do is say, "That's terrible."

She's told me that she's not going to tell me about her work any more. When she gets home she's simply going to smile and say that everything was fine.

I'm at a loss here. I don't know what she wants from me. I guess "wants" is the wrong word. She needs something. She needs some kind of response from me which I am incapable of figuring out how to give.

I'm sorry I dumped all of this on you. Even if you don't have any advice for me, if you've read all of this, thank-you for listening.

When in doubt, ask questions. There is nothing you can do to fix it and she probably just wants encouragement to vent. Expressing curiosity with questions is a good route.

I'm also in the dog house at the moment. Not sure why though.

Tough one, especially if she has a pre-concieved notion of what she'd like you to say or do.

There's no formula, but a safe bet it to actively listen, not thinking or doing anything else. Pay attention and try not to inturrupt... Empathize but try not to steal the spotlight - she needs to talk/vent, but you need to give a damn. (Not to imply you don't, but she'd better know you care!)


On the other hand, the same routine every ding-dang day would wear anyone down. Eventually, one has to either accept a crappy situation and not complain about it or do something about it, as difficult as change might be.

Any particular reason you're out of work? (Short version, let's not get sidetracked!) I know if she came home to the news that you got a job (even a crappy one) in order to allow her to find something better, she'd probably be pretty happy. (Might be better to propose the idea rather than spring a big surprise...)

We men (aspie or not!) like to solve problems when those gals just want to talktalktalktalk about it. It's just the way it is. [shrug]

Nicely tell her that you are not a mind reader, so could she please tell you just what it is that she needs or wants from you when she is upset about work, or anything else.

As for work and child care, have you considered some type of self employment? That way you could still take care of the kids. You could work around their schedules.

Some possibilities:

- Lawn mowing/yard work/gardening for others.
- House cleaning.
- Pet care/walking for people who are away.
- Errand/shopping service.
- Develop a hobby into a money making enterprise.
- There are people who actually make money picking up dog poop for clients two or three times a week. Some people don't have time for it, others can't bend over or have other health problems, and still others can't stand the smell or mess.
- Help people organize their lives.
- Computer maintenance/repair.
- Wait for service people for clients.
- Write
- Create art
- Cook up meals for clients, for their week. Many people don't have much time to cook, and still others have health problems that make it hard for them to get around in the kitchen.
- Take in typing work.
- Tutor on subjects you know about.
- Have your own garden. You can can, freeze, and dry some of the excess for winter, while selling the rest of the excess at a curbside stand or farmer's market.


There are many other self employment opportunities out there. You can find out about a lot of them from books at your local libraries.

Morbius, you have inspired me to write my first post after lurking here for five months. I'm a self-diagnosed mom of four teens, and just discovered AS last fall while searching for something that might fit my oldest daughter. Turns out it described me pretty well instead.

Anyway, my daughter has many issues from childhood trauma that are just coming back to her memory and that she is having to deal with. And my conversations with her sound exactly like yours with your wife. She is distraught, and I try to suggest solutions. Or I make short comments, like "that's awful" but really don't know what else to say. She waits for me to say more, but I am at a loss, and sit there wondering what she expects. When I say nothing, she gets even more distraught. Then there are tears, and the questions of why I can't just have a "normal" conversation with her. Both of us are frustrated, and I'm sad that I can't give her what she needs.

So I've asked her, in calmer moments, what she would like to hear, and her answer, something that doesn't come naturally to me, but must to the NTs of the world. Affirmation and validation.

"Of course you feel this way" "you didn't know, you were only five years old" "it's not your fault, you were reacting how any child that age would have"

Which I would translate into your scenario something like "it must be really stressful to work under those circumstances" "you must be exhausted after dealing with that all day" "I bet you feel like quitting sometimes"

Where my logical mind goes immediately to finding a solution for her immediate problem, her biggest need is to be heard and understood, for her feelings to be validated.

I'm still a major work in progress, but hope I'm headed in the right direction.

I think you should explain to her you don't know how to respond to it and how to give her emotional support. Also ask her what does she want you to say to her.

This is what she is probably looking for...

Take her in your arms and while you hug her, tell her what an @$$ her boss is and how she is a good worker and mother and wife, and suggest a trip to a place you two can go together that she enjoys on her next day off.

Morbius, you obviously care deeply. She's stuck in a bad situation, but telling you that she "understands why women cheat" was a cruel and unnecessary thing for her to say. You've been together for a long time, so maybe you could suggest the following.

My Aspie doesn't know what to say to make me feel better either. But I don't want to make him feel inadequate, or expect things I know he can't do. So I asked myself, "what, exactly, do I need/want to hear?" and wrote these things down on index cards.

My intention was to put them in a little file box - an "Emergency Katie Box" - so he'd have a whole file of "things to say" at his fingertips. Some are my favorite lines from movies, inspiring quotes, etc. The idea was, he could just pull one out and read it to me. If he chose one inappropriate for the situation, it would actually be really funny, and make me laugh and instantly feel better. And, just his act of going for the box would show me his caring and concern.

Visualizing that, plus the simple act of writing out the cards, was soothing enough. I wrote the cards and made the box, but I've felt no need to show to him yet. I know he cares deeply, so I just pretend he's said these things to me, because I know he would if he knew. I continue to add cards to the box, in case I want to try it with him sometime. Maybe this would work in your situation?

Hi Morbius

You are not alone in this situation. I am the last perrson to offer advice. I am 11 years your senior and known about my AS for about 18 months. I realised about my AS because on my daughter. My wife has written me off since we realised that I had AS.

I understand that you love your wife and want to give her the support that she needs. In my case I am a lost cause. It doesn't matter how hard I try or what advice I follow, I can't get it right. I am unable to identify the complex subtle rules that lead NTs to react in a certain way to make others feel loved and supported. The AS and NT minds just do not work in the same way.

If you find any solutions to this dilema, please let me know.

Best wishes and good luck

When I am talking to someone who is distressed, I have learned to ask questions that are geared to letting them openly talk about what is bothering them. For example, I have a friend who sometimes complains that her husband doesn't get enough hours at work. I might respond, saying "is that making it hard to have enough money for groceries?"

This doesn't come easily. I have a very hard time being helpful with people who have a very negative attitude and usually I just end up affirming their negative feelings.

I guess the thing to do is to listen, ask questions that allow her to further discuss her troubles, and try not to "feed back" with your own stories.

One thing to be carefull of, however... You can get into a habit of listening to others and suppressing your own need to talk about your own issues so much that you end up never being able to blow off steam yourself. Any relationship requires a balance where both sides get a chance to talk.