Is my boyfriend an aspie or does he just NOT love me?

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Hello everyone,

I hope you can give me some advice about the man that I am head over heels in love with.

I am 24 years old and have been with my 38 year-old boyfriend for 2 and a half years. I met him at my first job where he was a manager and I was an assistant. What attracted me to him at first was his silent, brooding mystery - the "tough guy" appeal he had going on - a fact that holds true to this day because he is just so darn quiet he comes across to people as moody or arrogant.

For the past two years in this relationship - although I have met his family and all his friends - I have sought my own answers to the following things that bothered me about him:

1.) He is not physically affectionate - doesn't like being touched that much because "it's itchy."
2.) He rarely, if ever, asks questions about me or expresses an interest in my life
3.) He hates loud noises and bright lights.
4.) He doesn't talk much about anything.
5.) Rarely gives a committed answer to a question (opting for "let's see," "it depends," or "i don't know").
6.) He is not emotionally supportive when I feel depressed or upset.
7.) He is 38 years old but I am his first real girlfriend (he has had only 2 girlfriends in his life).
8.) We don't do anything else together besides eating out, walking and shopping around the mall, and watching movies.

At the same time, I love the following things about him:

1.) He knows how to calm me down - he is very objective, logical, and emotionally detached from seemingly stressful situations.
2.) He may be quiet - but he surprises me sometimes when he remembers the small things I say
3.) He calls me twice a day, always pays for dinner and movies - a total gentleman

I live in the Philippines where Asperger's is not a widely known or acknowledged condition. Some people don't even know it exists. Hence, a medical diagnosis is out of the question - I also am pretty sure that my boyfriend will resist this if I approached him with the prospect.

Sometime I wonder if I've been overrationalizing his Asperger's - lying to myself about his depth of feeling toward me. Friends and even family are not 100% sold on our relationship and constantly advise me to break it off with him. Their rationale is: "the fact that he doesn't exert much effort, means he doesn't love you." But I just love him very much. I don't know if I'm being stupid.

So again, my question: do you think he has Asperger's, or do you think he doesn't love me enough?

Hope someone out there can help.

He sounds like he has Asperger's, but you should break off with him anyway, and find a man who is capable of showing love.

A woman and a man are madly in love. They have 14 wonderful years together before the man is in a car accident that leaves him impaired and unable to show how he really feels. The wife holds his hand and says," I know you love me. This is not your fault. We are going to get through this."

Let's see an alternate ending, where the woman says," I know this isn't your fault, but I need more than you're able to give. I'm sorry, but it's over."

Which woman are you? There's not a right or wrong answer, only the one you can honestly live with. Even if he accepts a diagnosis and tries to learn and grow, he will always be who he is. Keep that in mind.

I think you are asking the wrong question. The question is not: is this man different/damaged in some way that justifies his behavior.

The question is, in any relationship, are our differences something we can negotiate and work through and make the relationship be about mutual satisfaction and happiness, or do they present insurmountable obstacles that will make the relationship be about suffering and martyrdom? The particular differences are immaterial.

You probably have your own quirks you're bringing into the relationship that your potential mate has to deal with. Making it about his possible disability raises a red flag to me, not about him, but about your readiness to commit.

If you are unsure of how he feels, why don't you ask? If your lack of certainty is about specific behavior, make your question specific.

Good stuff:
He calls you twice a day
He isn't seeing anyone else

HOWEVER

Bad stuff:
He's iffy about physical contact (on your schedule?)
He's a bit more introverted than you'd like re discussions


It's not unusual to ask the question you are asking in this circumstance - the "does he just not love me" question.
Wrong question.

Why don't you ask the right questions:
1) What exactly, within the bounds of the personality I've fallen in love with, do I need to experience to KNOW he loves me?
2) Why do I need those things?
3) Does he know I need those things?
4) Can I, through action or through direct vocal or written means, wheedle those needs out of him?

Once you have answered ALL FOUR of those questions, decide if he's what you need to be happy.
I've been in HIS place before, and not realized the girl neded more. You are after all only his 3rd girlfriend - he may not have learned the hard lessons I've learned through losing important partners in my life: Girls need more than a man's quiet faith, dedication, honor, admiration and respect... they need ACTIVE reminders and vocal (and physical) reminders and representations of these feelings.

Please start by giving him a chance. But don't feel guilty if you leave one day because you simply aren't getting enough of your needs met by him.... I don't blame the girls who left me, though in hindsight, having realized my own lack of insight into the "relationship mentality" I regret not giving them what they needed to feel loved.

EDIT:
What I'm saying is: Tell him point blank that you need more, and exactly what it is you do need. Tell him you want to solve this, to figure out the puzzle, to balance out your needs, and the love you feel is inside him - but that you don't always feel/see.

Your BF does appear to have Asperger's. However it is not all that relevant in this situation. What is relevant is that he is 38. He is not likely to change his pattern of behavior by this age. You are obviously unhappy with the lack of affection on his part towards you, and seem to need/want more than your BF is able to give. That means that the two of you are not a match. He won't become the demonstratively affectionate many you need/ want, and you won't be happy without at least some demonstrative behavior on the part of your partner. If you try to force him to change, you will just cause fights, and eventually he will withdraw from you and the relationship will break off, painfully. It will be less painful if you gently break it off now, so you can look for someone who will be a better match for you. Don't let the relationship drag on, hoping he will change. Remember, he is 38, and set in his ways now. The sooner you break it off, the sooner you can start looking for a better match.

The fact that the two of you are not a good match is not a reflection of anything bad on either one of you. It's just that sometimes people are attracted to others who may not be the best fit as a partner for them.

I dunno Questor. He might just not realize that she needs more.
God knows I never knew my partners needed more in my past relationships - I figured being faithful and helpful was enough.

More than one person pointed out my failings in this matter, and I looked back at those past relationships and figured out that my lack of active display and positive reasurance was exactly the reason they left me; I was not able to read that they needed more demonstration of affection. That that high need is not abnormal in NTs. (though it is abnormal in ME).

So I learned to do the little things that NT girlfriends need. And I seem to be doing it right this time. I'm 36. not too much younger than him. Though I do have four and a half (dont ask) relationships to reflect on, not just two.

Point is I'm an old dog too. I'm willing to learn new tricks.

Talk to him. Tell him everything you wrote here to his face. He would really appreciate your feelings. I know I would. You hiding from him and just suddenly dumping him would just make you a coward. Talk first and think hard before you do. Love is a mystery only because it isn't vocalized enough. Too much idealism. Don't expect anything and spill your heart.

Ultimately, all you can do is to weigh up the good and the bad in the relationship as you experience it, and decide if you're likely to do better with somebody else or not. It's not easy because you don't know which bad thngs can be improved, and you don't know what you can learn to live with.

He does seem like an Aspie. He seems as if he loves you. Aspies can sometimes respond very well to requests for change, if it's explained clearly enough, in an honest and friendly way, without pressure or rushing. Some people hate the way Aspies don't always do little affectionate things without being told to. They get upset that the Aspie has to be asked. I wish my problems were so small.