Growing up and done with bad boys

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Life isn't fair. This situation is rather balanced. In the crucial early phase of dating, men select partners based primarily on physical attraction; women select partners based primarily on status. And while there might be exceptions, the general rule is that younger women are considered more physically attractive, and older men have more status. Women can have fun (and by fun, I mean 'this thread will be moved to adult issues if I describe it') with the cool guys when they're young and settle for the beta guys when they're older; men have to settle for a bit less when they're young and can get much more when they're older.



It's not a superficial way of putting it. It's a way of putting it that is inspired by the deepest of human urges and needs. What I'm saying is what has been observed in other species, and largely also in humans. You can say you like intelligent, in-depth men, but if you're a woman, chances are status is the first crucial point you look for, even if you don't immediately realise that.



This is a pattern I recognise.

I'm trying to hold my frustration back, so hopefully I will get my point across.

DivineMajesty, you see this behaviour in young women, but don't understand why they do it. Some young women don't know what they want, and that's why they go for these bad boys. Or they just want to be swept off their feet, or just what OliveOilMom said. This is because they are young and immature. Who wants to be treated like s***, like most of these bad boys do. We get smart and figure that out, some sooner than others.

That's my story, but some women saw through the bad boy facade all along. Others never get out of it. But it doesn't mean we are settling just because we feel we deserve to be treated better. As OliveOilMom said, men can be alpha males and still treat women well. Some guys are just wolves in sheep's clothing when it comes to women, and have ulterior motives for nice behaviour.

I can tell you what I find attractive in men, but I won't, because you won't believe me if I say it's anything other than the epitome of a male bad boy. Just like there are sensitive men who do not fit the social norm, there are women who don't just go for anyone who is willing to get into a physical fight for them.

Also, I know a friend who doesn't know what she wants. She goes for bad boys. She even broke the heart of a bad boy who she "fixed", by leaving him for another bad boy. I wouldn't say she is the most attractive woman out there. But she is nice, and sweet on the outside. To me and my boyfriend, it's obvious that she does this because she is immature, not because all the alpha males are going after her. If she could make up her mind, she would also have landed a very attractive dude who is only into monogamy.

Men don't decide that, women do. Men wouldn't be deemed more attractive as they get older if all you women didn't want to f**k Sean Connery.




In essence, it depends on what kind of woman you desire, would you prefer a fairly new and shiny one, or do you want one who's been around the block a few times, has some dings here and there and more baggage than Beijing Capital International Airport.

This is in part hyperbole/literary license, but I once heard someone say "I didn't use to be a misogynist, but then women turned me into one". Men like attractive women, if the odds of being with an attractive woman is higher for a misogynistic, self-centered as*hole, then that's what men will become. Chivalry is dead, and women killed it.

This. This right here. I can't stress enough how much of a downer it is to feel like I'm being settled for. Worse - when she craves the excitement she once thrived on, will she leave me for Mr. Exciting? Or will she be "getting some" on the side?

Being 2nd prize hurts. Being dumped or cheated on for Mister 1st Prize hurts even more.

Seems to me that the women who go for bad boys/bad boys who go for the attractive women would be the ones who have been around more. Those kinds of relationships don't last. You always find someone who would be more attractive.

I used to go for bad boys. It was fun to be wanted, and I just wanted to have fun. I had to consciously choose whether to go for bad boys, or someone who wanted only me, though. I wasn't used to being in a long-term relationship. If I didn't give it up, I would keep moving from one partner to the other. I'd probably cheat as well.

I had to choose, though. I don't regret it. I have everything I need in my boyfriend, and he shows me that I am the only one for him. I'd rather that over someone who makes me feel like I am not good enough.

And no, I don't feel like I am settling, I am just not deluding myself. If I make a list of things I would want in a boyfriend, he would fill them all.

Yes, exactly what I was thinking. Some of us aspies are quite intense and have issues with being moody, overambitious, etc. Though unfortunately, I don't meet many women like this.

I am very much drawn to excitement and mystery in women. Just sharing ordinary life with someone is boring. Since I'm intellectually ambitious and romantic myself, I want a woman to see my mind as if it were a book that she can't put down. I would also want to see her mind, and body, that same way. However, if women try and create that mystery through social posturing and games, it's as if their "book" is written in Chinese--they're nothing more than a momentary distraction or body to ogle and aren't the types I develop crushes on.

I want someone I can understand, and at the same time be amazed at how novel her thought patterns are. This usually means that I go for cute, zany, mysterious girls who can intellectualize in the open-ended, "mad" ways that I really could not make use of in a career or read in a textbook. In return, I'm better at understanding, and have thought more about, science than them, and can teach them stuff. Because I have been rejected or "friend zoned" by every one of these so far, I'm starting to wonder if these are the equivalent of "bad boys" in girls. But they're not "bad" intentionally--they're just flat out unattracted, whereas I misread it as their mind not having been seduced yet.

sorry for off topic (I'm not getting in to all this stuff)
but I think the bolded is really beautiful

The funny bit about those lists is that they never really match reality. If women (and to a lesser degree men) actually knew what they wanted, relationships, dating and so on would be simple. Also, unless you've been together long enough for the "love drug" to wear off, your opinion may rapidly change.

See, most women don't know what they want. I didn't know either until I made that decision to stay in a long-term relationship. And what made me choose to stay was me realising that I wanted in a boyfriend everything that my boyfriend had. If I let him go, I would regret it. He was a nice guy who was fed up girls going for bad boys as well. But I still find him pretty attractive.

Also, three years is long enough for the drug to wear off, I'd say

The bolded bit sounds quite a lot like settling to me.

There we have it. It's always nice to see the other camp whole-heartedly agreeing with me.



It's good you admit that. Proper information means you've won half the battle before even starting. If people were honest like that, we wouldn't have a problem with nice guys.



Your thoughts. I think the truth is somewhere in the middle. How old are you?

This is insulting. I am looking for a deeper connection in a man than some money grubbing tool. I would settle for a down to earth poet or musician over a god or king or someone who thinks he is.

I think your concept of romance is noble. Most women would be absolutely turned off (if not disgusted) with some of the analogies in this thread about "settling" for a woman who has "been around the block" and has "dings." That's not romantic, that's what people think when they go to buy a car--not when they consider romance. Maybe that's why some women go for "bad boys," because they know that the bad boys really aren't shopping for a "car" or a piece of "real estate." But I think that it's more likely that most of these bad boys are actually very adept at non-verbal communication. People with Antisocial Personality Disorder, like psychopaths, are extremely proficient at mimicking non-verbal cues, reading people, and presenting themselves in a desirable light.

I think you should consider that even though you have AS, and some women's social posturing and games are like "Chinese" to you, that many of the women you've been attracted to might not have AS. So it might improve your success if you try to study a little bit of the nonverbal cues that go on with flirting and the initial contact. You might be perfectly attractive to the girls you are interested in, however you are not sending the non-verbal signals to them that show them that you are considering courting them.

no way

I think settle is completely the wrong word to use. That's pretty cold.

Boo's a pretty nice dude, once you get past these sexual remarks he makes. :p