marriage-when to let go and when to push

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hello everyone,
im not an aspi, my hubby is, but im a borderliner. we´ve been together for 3 years and married for one. we reached a point where we do need some councelling. after a fight, his and my perception of what went wrong is galaxies apart. i think he acted/said something wrong and he blames me. he often completly misreads me: thinks im angry with him when im not. and due to his ADD it just drives him crazy to a point where he explodes and smashes things. i feel that my hubby is not ready yet to confront himself with aspergers- or how he could improve things in his life. i see him suffering a lot. the world is a scary thing for him. i had lots of therapy due to my borderline and reflect on my behaviour and try to be as good as i can dealing with my emotions. and i wish he would work on his issues, too. and i guess i push him too hard sometimes. he is my best friend and i love him, but sometimes it drives me crazy when he only plays his computer game for up to 12 hours everyday. drinking and smoking. we have financial troubles and at some point (he is 29 now) i hope he can work a job. i completly understand how hard it is. and in general i dont mind him playing. not at all. but we can barely efford food. i found an english speaking therapist for him (in germany) in the hope that he has a space to share his troubles. but he is only going because of me, not because he feels it would help. he would be good if he would not have to work and i wish the world could work like that. but i cant support him. i would if i could, but im struggling too.
we are both people who need space, thats why we have both our own room instead of a living room/bed room thing. it works great. but there are some issues with intimacy. and i would like to ask you guys, if you have any advice or experience with being married.
he is loving and sooooo freaking empathetic. but he has little sexual drive and it is always the same way we love. it is hard on me because i want to feel like a desireable woman. he is very good in giving compliments though
it just occured to me that he is a very stubborn man. makes it even harder to talk about disagreements. im not easy too, no blame here. he is so damn smart and handsome and weird and funny. but just not built to "function" in a world where you need a job and have to communicate with people.
im sorry.....just going on and on.....to make it short: any one wanne talk about marriage and how to make it work?
love you guys and thanks

if he can't work, can he get some sort of disability income?

ohhh..im so happy someone replyed
im not used to forums.
well, he is american living with me (im german) in berlin. we only recently discovered that he has aspergers. we thought his problems are due to the ADD. when it became clear to me that he wont get a job i was angry at first, but that saw that he just cant. i got him into the agency for work and he gets unemploxment money now and is in a gouverment program to learn german. the problem with "disability" money is that you NEED paperwork and he has no official diagnosis yet. im trying for months to get him into a program at a hospital with a special diagnosis team for autism and ADD. he has a psychiatrist, but he only sees him for a few minutes every few months for his migranes and ADD but the dr. doesnt believe he has aspergers. my hubby, like a lot of aspis, is very smart and well versed. and in a few minutes, how can you know? people never believe me when i tell them im borderline.
once we get the diagnosis on paper he can try to apply for disability. but it will be a fight. i honestly dont know how good his chances are. but it won´t be a lot of money. i fooght in court for 4 years to get some disability on ground of years of abuse by my parents and the resulting borderline, depression, addiction. it was really really hard and i got 170 euros per month for 2 years!!
thanks for getting back to me
p.s. he has a different obsession every few months and i hope he will stick to something. right now its programming computer games. he is sooo damn smart and i want him to feel good after doing "work".

What do you mean you are a boderliner? Borderline AS or Borderline personality disorder?

i have a borderline personality disorder. so im familiar with anxiety (had horrible panick attacks), depression, social akwardness and not-fitting-in feeling.

I couldn't be in your shoes. I just couldn't. Seems like you're his babysitter, not his wife. This relationship doesn't seem like a healthy give & take one. It's all one-sided on your part. I guess I'm hardcore, but he'd be kicked to the curb for non-contribution.

That said, I have noticed some women put up with these kind of one-sided relationships. Their low self esteem prevents them from finding a more reciprocal partner. Just to have a man around the house, they do all the cooking, cleaning, food shopping, working, child rearing, bill paying, appointment driving stuff. The men just sit back and do what your husband does - drink & smoke all day. One day you'll wake up and realize where your life has ended up - and the time you've wasted.

People like him don't change. I firmly believe that. I have yet to find the man who spends years and years just trolling around, looking for pity, then out of the blue, gets his act together. It just doesn't happen.

If a man is contributing to the household but has a crippling disease like Stephen Hawking's, I can understand that. There's no sex or intimacy, but you still love each other and there's no friction. But at least both partners are contributing to the whole relationship financially & emotionally.

not exactly the conversation i was hoping for, but i appreciate your opinium. he does give me a lot and i love him. i rather help him then "kick him to the curb". he needs to figure some stuff out. and im not ready to throw in the towel. he is taking wonderful care of me when im in a bad place.