My girlfriend has autism! Need advice please~!

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Hey! I've been searching around online recently to learn as much information I can about Autism, until a few months ago I had only heard about it and seen some characters on TV with it. I've become more interested because I have fallen in love with a girl that has autism. I met her online while teaching other people to speak english. She is German and wanted to learn english, so I let her listen to me over skype while I played some games with my friends and she could ask questions about the words I was using and their meanings, ect. We started spending more and more time talking and I'm now crazy in love with her.

I'm going to fly to Germany soon, in one month, to meet her for the first time. I've seen her and spent hours with her, so I feel that I know her really well, but she keeps telling me she is very worried about meeting me, that she might scare me away because of how different she acts in public.

From reading about it online and listening to her tell me how she deals with public situations I have somewhat of an idea of what to expect, especially if she's having 'bad day' as she calls it, and tells me sometimes she'll react by trying to run away or screaming. From only seeing her and talking to her on skype, this is hard for me to imagine her doing, but knowing that it can happen I want to be as prepared as possible. I really love her personality and who she is and so I really want to be able to handle anything that happens, and I want to make it easier for her to get over 'bad days'. I also want to make sure I react appropriately... if something like that happens and she starts acting up, what should I do? How should I react, and how can I help her?

I'm really nervous, I want to make sure when we meet that everything goes well, so any advice I could get would be amazing. Is there anyone else that has more experience with dating someone autistic that could give me advice to make sure I don't screw this up? Or any girls with autism that could tell me what sort of things they want their boyfriend to do in situations where they act up? I know every person is different and what you guys say may not apply to the girl I like, but just hearing and learning more about situations could help me out a lot, I think. Pretty please help!

Hey, i am glad you have met someone nice.
Well for some advice, if she is having a "bad day" and has one her moments, don't alienate her. Prolly best not to touch her if she begins to have a "melt down" and just let her be. Dont take offense if she runs off but do reassure her later on when she is calm that it was okay and you dont take any offense. Meeting new people for a lot of Autistics is a very hard process, even if they have met them online and know them farely well...

When my ex, came to Australia, from Germany it was very hard for me, of course he wanted to greet me with a hug, and this felt very uncomfortable for me. (yes, im ex and father of my son is German ).

If you want a good website for finding out a lot about aspergers, i suggest heading over to My Aspergers Child. just google it. it has really great advice =) and has helped me a lot. I use both WP and My Aspergers Child to find out as much as I can about Aspergers.

I hope this helps =)

-Terdia.

Be calm
don't HELP, just take things in stride
don't take it personal
Be calm
don't "read" anything "into" what she says, she'll most likely be quite clear
act like everything's normal (except other people)
pretend her 'meltdown' didn't happen
Be calm
DON'T TRY TO FIX ANYTHING
don't try to PREVENT anything
don't try to UNDERSTAND anything
Be calm
don't ask WHY about anything
ASSUME SHE'S RIGHT about anything you think is odd
don't let it become a big deal
don't let her OVER APOLOGIZE, that inadvertently "validates" that SHE is wrong, or weird, or defective.
don't let her OVER EXPLAIN for same as above.

When she has a meltdown it's going to be far more horrible for her (and mortifying in front of her new guy -that's you) than for anyone else
Do ASK what she wants (right now) pretend it's normal and OK
Keep big heavy blankets ready to throw over her, (almost joking =)
SMILE BIG and LOTS (a real smile, don't fake/patronize) to cue her that everything is OK with you. If it helps, think about her boobz, that'd make me smile =)
Be calm
If she needs space, (isolation/decompression) find something goofy and entertaining to do in the other room.
(goofy so you can be interrupted easily when she comes back, entertaining so she doesn't think she's ruined your day/hour/vacation to Germany)
PRETEND THAT NOTHING SHE DOES ADVERSELY AFFECTS YOU. (act like you're a man and that it'd take more than that to ruin you life/day/hour/vacation to Germany. -even if you're bleeding inside)
Be calm.
unless she USES PROFANITY that'd make a drunk sailor blush WHILE TELLING YOU TO LEAVE/NEVER COME BACK. Don't believe it. DON'T WAIT FOR HER TO CONTACT YOU. that's very hard for aspies for more than one reason. she'll probably 'feel' too ashamed and embarrassed to ever call back, and she'll just cry for days instead.
Be calm.
Make sure she eats occasionally.

She's not glass -she's doubtless been through so much, she's highly durable- you can have differing opinions/preferences/plans/ideas. You can even argue.
But if something seems odd or intense, she's 'right' even if she cant explain why. (DONT make her!)

Do you see a pattern here?
I knew you would. =)


Disclaimer: If anyone doesn't like my advice, or thinks I didn't word it perfectly -bite me. Give your own advice don't rip on mine.

Wow...1401b said it pretty well.
And I thought it was quite humorous, but seriously ~ the heavy blanket great idea. Make it like a picnic blanket and use it for support if she needs it. The key is so be supportive and encouraging no matter what. And the part about her being right, take it...and about not making her explain what she means, take it...

Don't worry, as long as you don't freak out everything will be ok. The minute you start going apeshit and asking all kinds of questions, things might get out of control or turned upside down. Just don't freak out! Smile BIG and try your best to speak in a soft soothing voice using reassuring words. Tell her it's ok and that you're ok and everything will be alright.

Good luck!

if she has a melt down don't touch her, or talk, just try to take her to a less simulating place (under a shady tree,away from people and noise, back to your hotel/apartment/were ever your staying etc) act like its no big deal and don't bring it up afterwords. Let her (not make her) apologize once but DON'T let her over apologize.

if she stims in public and its not to out of the ordinary (finger tapping or other small stims) then let her be,but if its to much for you (hand flapping or jumping up and down) DON'T CRITISIZE HER. most of the time she will not notice she's doing it so distract her with something else or take her in a shop or whatever.

she's probably worrying about being around you so make sure that you stay calm and act like what she does isn't a big deal. And don't be offended by anything she does. If you wan to hug her or something, ask for permission (not every time but like at the beginning say something like 'do you mind if I hug you?') don't expect her to look you in the eye, and expect dome awkwardness for the first few hours/ first day.

I hope everything goes well

and she will probably take things literally so don't be sarcastic or anything like that.

Wow! Thank you all so much, this advice sounds really really good. I heard her explain similar things to me in her own way but I wanted to understand it better and more clearly without bugging her about it too much, I don't want her to think I care so much about it, because I don't. I just want to make sure I know how to make her know that I don't and that I really like her.

I'll remember to stay calm and never let any melt downs or anything become a big deal, not to make her explain things she is sure about and not to make fun of anything she is doing even if I feel it isn't ordinary. I didn't think so much about stims so I am glad you told me about that. I'll also remember to keep smiling big ! All of it - everything you guys replied with, thanks a ton! I can't thank you guys enough for these replies, I think I would have wanted to touch her when we first met, a hug or whatever... but now I think it'd be better if I put that off until we get somewhere that isn't an airport, so that she can be in a more comfortable setting. Does that sound about right?

Great~You sound like such a sweet <3, and I'm hoping that shell fall head over heels in love with you.

Woah! Hold your horses Romeo.
I know your intentions are good... but when it comes to hugging, she may not want one as she may have a sensory overload depending on her autism.
1401b's definition is good but it doesn't all apply to every person with autism. For example I am very much accepting of hugs in public and I can do sarcasm.
What I'm saying is that you love this girl regardless of her autism... which is good but I'd still educate yourself on it.

Sorry must seriously do this -grabs your arm and chomps down on it-
I dont have a problem with your advice, but u did just say "bite me" im taking you seriously on purpose =P

I wouldn't worry to much.
She may be extremely shy and not very talkative at first, I would avoid to much physical contact (Hugging, kissing, etc) at first, unless she engages in it first.
Also don't preasure her into feeling that she has to do a lot of talking when yous do meet, she will be quite nervous.

Okay, got it. No touching, and expect her to be very quiet and shy. *takes notes*

Be prepared for constant curiosity or in a way a possible female sheldon from bbt hehe.

Let us know how it goes!

Hmm... Well, just to be on the safe side, you can expect that, but be aware that not every girl with AS is like that. Personally, I find a firm hand-squeeze or hug very relaxing, especially when I am having a meltdown. Aspies usually are on the extremes when it comes to touch. Some dislike touch, others like very firm touch.

Also expect her to go on about her interests without regard for your own interest in the conversation. You may have to take most of the lead in the conversation, or do the work to change the subject if you are not interested. Be prepared for stubbornness, but you can distract her with something else she likes to get her out of that rut.

My boyfriend told me that he changed the way he talked to me versus others when he learned of my AS. He did research online, though learned how to grab my attention mostly with practice on me. He is also way more talkative around others because of the way he gets me to focus on the point. I found it incredibly romantic.

You sound like you love her and are willing to make an effort to learn how to get along with her. This will go a long way, and I'm sure she will notice your hard work. Let us know how it goes

okay, thank you all for the help! I'll come back here and tell you all how it goes! I'm leaving for Germany on august 17th and I'll be back September 1st! /nervous