23 Jul 2012, 1:51 pm
23 Jul 2012, 2:03 pm
A lot of good points are being made here. All aspies are different, just like anyone else is different. And every relationship is definitely different. I need to calm my suspicions down and enjoy the ride, and ease the pressure. I think my guy is just dealing with a lot right now (the job loss hit him hard), and me caving to my worries and trying to get instant reassurance out of him doesn't help. I certainly don't want to attack him for who he is (I love who he is!) It's just a time thing, I think. It's only been a year. He's comfortable being himself with me; that's what matters now, and I won't do anything to jeopardize that. The expressions and compliments can wait.
I just sent him an email. Before we suspected AS, things were a little different; I was always questioning his feelings and calling him out on stuff. Now I realize that he's had to put up with feeling like he just can't get it right his whole life, and I don't want to add to that (though of course I'll still communicate when something's really bothering me). I just told him that I was sorry for all that, and that I love him for who he is NOW, not some "improved" version of him in my head. He's already responded. 
Anyone have any NT/Aspie romantic mis-communication stories? There have definitely been times when one of us will realize what the other person really meant or wanted, and all we can do is laugh. It's such a good feeling to hit the same page, (and even better when something funny happened on the way there).
23 Jul 2012, 2:09 pm
Well, I don't know if it counts as a specific NT/Aspie mis-communication, but one time I asked my wife(girlfriend at the time) to watch a movie in town. The problem was that I view her neighbouring town as "the town" and she viewed her as "the town", so since we were both driving there seperately, we didn't really notice the error before we were both standing at different cinemas waitng for eachother.
23 Jul 2012, 4:39 pm
Hahah! That's a great one.
23 Jul 2012, 6:41 pm
There are many ways to show affection, I will give you a link here, but keep in mind I do not encourage you to buy the book, only to get a sense of the 5 love languages (link: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/learn-the ... languages/ ). But, like you said, he does cuddle with his cats and not with you, so I am not sure what to make of that.
There is also the thing Stalk mentioned; he could be just himself and recharging from the outside world while he is with you. Meaning that what you see him do outside in the world and with his friends is him forcing himself to be more socially acceptable, and when he gets home with you, he feels comfortable enough to relax and be himself (which is a big compliment).
(That book is definitely next on my list. It has been recommended to me so many times now!)
I do feel like he sort of puts on a social act for friends and co-workers, and being the person he feels comfortable being hismelf around does make me feel special, it really does. I try my absolute hardest to meet him on his end, to notice what he DOES do for me (allow for physical contact, cooks for me, is always open to having me over, tells me he loves me), but still not hearing how he feels after all this time . . . it just makes me feel replaceable somehow, or like something is wrong and he doesn't want to tell me that he just doesn't have feelings for me. I know the AS makes those things very hard to express. I also know that he's been cheated on many times, which compounds the trust issues. So basically, I am just thinking of ways---methods---that might make it easier to get his thoughts across. He tells me they are there, and that they just turn to mush between his brain and his mouth.
One idea I have is just to send him a letter via post, with a short, factful list of things I love about him to start things off (he has the typical suspicion of compliments and sentiments), with a request for him to respond in kind, to take as long as he needs, to not worry about how anything he writes will sound, and try to keep the letters going back and forth, without ever mentioning them in person (to take the pressure off). Is that an okay idea, or would that be the dumbest, most desperate thing ever tried? I can't decide.
Another idea I have: Our one year anniversary of meeting his coming up. I have mentioned the date to him already. I'm thinking of asking him to plan what we'll do that day. That way, he'll know the expectation is there, but it will give him a chance to show how he feels in a way other than with words.
He's worth it all!
I think what you're proposing (using letters as a means of communication) is a wonderful idea! It sounds like I'm more open than your boyfriend when it comes to telling people what I feel, but I get a lot of the same anxieties he does and "burn out" in similar manners to him. I'd say give it a try! I know I'd love if any girlfriend of mine tried that for me.
23 Jul 2012, 6:43 pm
I just sent him an email. Before we suspected AS, things were a little different; I was always questioning his feelings and calling him out on stuff. Now I realize that he's had to put up with feeling like he just can't get it right his whole life, and I don't want to add to that (though of course I'll still communicate when something's really bothering me). I just told him that I was sorry for all that, and that I love him for who he is NOW, not some "improved" version of him in my head. He's already responded.
Anyone have any NT/Aspie romantic mis-communication stories? There have definitely been times when one of us will realize what the other person really meant or wanted, and all we can do is laugh. It's such a good feeling to hit the same page, (and even better when something funny happened on the way there).
Sounds like you're hitting all the right notes. And sadly, I cannot say I've been in a relationship with an AS or an NT, so no stories here
23 Jul 2012, 8:28 pm
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