My relationship with an NT, is it doomed or should I try aga

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I've recently been diagnosed with AS (I'm nearly 50 yrs old) and am confused as to whether what I feel is a result of AS or is just me being an idiot.

I recently split up with a long term NT partner of 7 years. One day she announced that she had strong feelings for a man she met at work. This man was described as an “Adonis” type (big, strong, good looking, charming, sociable, well liked and respected etc) everything I was not.

This Adonis also had strong feelings for my partner and they shared many common interest, most of which were interests that I struggle with (social events, pubs, clubs, music, restaurants, theatre, concerts etc).

Rather confusingly I gave my partner my blessing for her to date this man rather than fight for her (which is what she expected of me). My thought process was simple (to me anyway), if these two people are suited to each other then who am I to stand in the way of true love.

We are now about 4 months on since I left our apartment. During all this time my ex and I have stayed in regular contact, often emailing, phoning and sometimes meeting (much to the annoyance of the Adonis).

I might be wrong (and I often am it seems) but I get the distinct impression my ex and I are talking about getting back together again. There are subtle hints and probing (NT language that is mostly lost on me) but I get the feeling that we are both thinking the same thing. The Adonis it seems is not all that he appeared to be.

The problem I need help with is that during a long phone chat today the subject of how we split up was raised. I am troubled because I seem to know that if we got back together and if the same thing happened again (she is attracted to someone new) then I would simply give her my approval to date him again.

Why is this. Do I love this woman too much, not love her enough or am I just not bothered ?

Is this an Aspie trait or am I just an a***hole ??

Any thoughts please

If i put myself in your place, i had told her exactly the same and then just let her go, but unlike you i would have cut it off completely. If she is much into romantic stuff she might have expected some drama from your side like "Oh darling, don't leave me, i'm lost without you!" and about ten thousand times that you love her, you get the idea.

You neither love her too much nor not enough, my bet is you're just not into the above mentioned ego games.

thanks PTS

I tend to let nature takes its course and not interfere. Through the years, I did notice that there are a lot of people who are constantly keeping track of their partner and inserting themselves between partner and another person showing interest in their significant other. I think there are various styles of interacting with the environment. I like mine but it probably only works in relationships if I had chosen people like me.

THTony,
I'm an NT woman and I have been involved on and off with an Aspie guy. Be grateful that you can actually feel love for this woman. My Aspie says he doesn't even know what love is. He uses the words "I love you" or "I love you, too" but he doesn't even know what it really means. Our relationship is really physical. Most NT relationships burn out quickly (physically, sexually) once the honeymoon phase is over and "Adonis" or "Supermodel Barbie" turns out to be far different from the image portrayed in the heat of lust. Nobody is more compelling than a true and trusted friend. Even ups and downs (break-ups and get-back-togethers) with a long-loved-one will "win" over new lust faded into disenchantment. Just be direct: "Do you want to get back together? I do." At our age, near 50, playing the field is fun for a while but "coming home" to what is comfortable, safe, secure is better. How old is your woman? Be bold/brave. Ask her directly if she will dump Adonis and if you can come home. Also,
don't worry about her falling in love again with some other hottie. This experience, and getting you back, will have cured her of her wanderlust. Are you meeting all her emotional and sexual needs? Do you even know what those are? If so, that is the glue that will bind her to you- meeting her emotional and sexual/passion/romance needs. I promise.

Too much of an a***hole?? No, not at all. It sounds like you've been astonishingly forbearing. If she announces that she'd rather be with someone else, the end of your relationship is at her instigation, not yours. You don't have to fight against her stated wishes. I know us NTs have a reputation for playing head games, but it really would be beyond the pale to state that she wants to leave for someone else and then somehow consider you responsible for the end of the relationship because you didn't fight for her. You were - and always would be - perfectly within your rights to say "OK, off you go then, if that's what you'd rather do."

(Of course, it would be slightly different if she said something like "I'm so sorry, but I've developed strong feelings for someone else - I don't want to leave you but I think this is a symptom of deeper problems in our relationship, so could we work on those together?" You always have the right to end a relationship, at any time and for any reason, but if her feelings are a factor in your decision then obviously her intention makes a difference. Doesn't sound like that was what she said, though.)

It's fairly common for people to stray after a while in a long-term relationship, because things can settle into a routine and the novelty wears off a bit - people think that the grass is greener on the other side, with someone new. Then they sometimes realise that the new Adonis doesn't actually have everything they ever wanted plus a set of gold-plated genitals. They start to miss the settled love that they had before. However, if that is what she's feeling, the choice is yours. Be selfish for a moment. Do you want her back, given that she was willing to leave? What do you want, for yourself?

Thanks Justkilling time

Thanks ptown.

My NT woman is much the same age as me.

I know I must be braver but it is easier said than done. I am at a stage (only recently diagnosed) which has left me doubting myself all over the place.

I used to believe I was right about everything and knew where I was going in life, now though I seem to lack confidence. I never know if I am making the right decisions or whether this is another example of me thinking I am doing the right thing only to be told later that I have made a complete mess (again !).

I have let my ex know I want her back but have not gone so far as to say dump Mr Adonis and live happily with me.

As to whether I am meeting her emotional needs then I suspect the answer is probably no, I have never really got to grips with all the emotional stuff. I would like to say I have done better with the sexual side but again there is so much I don't understand. I can understand things when they are made clear, its all the subtle stuff that I seem to miss.

If we do get back together again there is a lot I have learnt from this website that will help us, particularly the need for me to make clear the stuff I don't get and to ask for more clarification.

One example is during love making I don't really understand what feels good for her, I can't tell if she is experiencing pleasure or is bored. If we make love again I now want her to talk to me all the time, telling me how she feels, telling me what pleases her rather than me just trying to fathom out what this noise means or that noise means. I know it must sound strange to an NT but unless it is made obvious and I mean really obvious I don't really have a clue.

Thanks again.

Thanks tarantella.

I wish I could understand everything better. I am sure if I understood what happened then I could explain it far clearer.

As I see it my ex fell in love (or lust) with another man. This man sounds great, Mr Perfect. I do love my ex and I know she has had to put up with all sorts of silliness from me over the years. Before I became AS aware I must of been a right idiot as I know I have been a right idiot since, I just can't seem to get so much right no matter how much I try.

I would hate to think that my ex is staying with me out of duty or worse because she feels sorry for me or she thinks I can't cope on my own. Likewise I do not want to deny her the chance of love and happiness. Mr Adonis sounds so perfect, almost her twin. They share so much in common that it is a little spooky.

Where I come from there is phrase "a 7 year itch" to describe a sudden wonderlust or a disenchantment with a relationship. Maybe this is just a 7 year itch thing.

Thanks again

I think you are hitting the nail on the head here in that Aspies seem to really need someone/ppl they can trust to run things by- sort of like in AA you have a sponsor you run things by before you make big decisions. It can REALLY help. It's not like you would just do whatever someone told you to do, but it would help a lot to have good input/ different perspective. For example, you could try and find someone who has been thru a lot of ups and downs in their marriage but has a relationship that you admire and respect. THAT would be a good mentor/sponsor type person.

I myself always try to have a few of those ppl in my life and I'm not even an Aspie!

I am in a somewhat similar situation formally. i was together for 9 years and we split up 1/2 year ago. But there is no return, because she couldn't cope with my behaviour and I realised that she actually didn't understand me, ever.

But,
why the hell did you move out? She should have left your common flat and not you should have been kicked out.

Finding a new flat and being new in some other place must have been difficult for you. Really great that you could let her go so easily because to stick to someone is probably not a good idea (that's what I did).

Plus that you are diagnosed right recently. This triggers quite some stress as well. A phase that I am in as well now. Totally confusing. First a real ease but now really hopelessness.

And its very hard to be alone, not only because of the missing relationship but also the common practises changes, which is stress.
I for example don't have but one friend and I see him once a week. Before there were all her friends and her children around, all that is missing now.
And probably your Aspie properties get out really strongly at the moment, because you are not able to control them so much right now?

What comes to my mind also is, whether she is just worried about you or whether she wants to really come back to you?
This ensuring that everything is fine with you I guess would be typical women, but can be easily interpreted as attempt to come back to you.
Not logical, i know.

I would try to think around this and then trying to invite her back carefully, at the same time asking her whether she is just worried or really wants you back.
And give her the possibility to speak about her problems with you more.
I guess it can be that you cannot answer her questions (I couldn't either) but try to find a non invasive way to get to know what you want to know
and show her that you think that there are some problems that need to be cleared out in some way, although maybe you don't know, how.

Maybe she is also frightened about Asperger. She needs to understand it better, because you are not an extreme case about which you can pretty easily get info.

And maybe you should think about to get more comfortable with social things? I myself never had a problem with those.
I am not sure whether you are so much different than me.
I just didn't give a damn s**t that I was different. People perceive you as strange but it is seldom a real problem, unless for finding a partner or good friends.
There is not so many people that will exploit your weakness.

This kind of stress you might have being somewhere out might be very well worth to work with. You are not perfect and you will never be.
But you can probably enjoy all these as well if you are not too critical with your self. You can even freak out without getting too much hurt by anybody.
You like to talk to people, do you? you like music and good food? culture?
Let her guide you. And I guess she will be very glad if she is still interested in you

Any comments by experienced Aspies with a strong need for having everything well ordered?
(I guess there are two types of aspies, some that dont care so much about being such as they are
and those that really struggle and feel unpleasant to be different)
or even better someone that broke through the wall and gave up a little bit of ordering and now enjoys being social?

That you are willing in her to date somebody else is not normal. This must be Aspie logic.
For me this would be also like "Well, I don't like this, but what can I do?". I would still be logically tempted to say no and ask why do you think I should allow you that
If I would say it is another question.

I think she was probably not dissapointed that you didn' t fight for her, because she wanted that date and got together with him.
She was maybe confused but happy that she was able to get in contact with more social life and such things.

This can be difficult if you are together with a partner that doesn't like the things you like. Much worse than any sex life things or other

These are my thoughts. They might be right or wrong

Thanks Onks,

My ex didn't kick me out of our apartment. For a while we tried living together as flat mates but that was never going to work.

I left voluntarily to avoid any conflict and retreated to a place I felt safe in (I have a small office away from home where I work and where I can spend the night if I need to). I have been here now for 20 odd weeks and whilst it is basic I have everything I need here for the short term.

Whilst I got diagnosed AS only a matter of weeks ago, my ex and I were pretty certain I had AS several years ago. I don't think she was freightened by it but she was certainly frustrated by it, especially frustrated by my apparent lack of ability to change. I know she would often think that once she had told me something I had done was not right then I would never make that same mistake again. That only seems to work, however, if the circumstances are identical next time round. I know I must not bore person A to death talking about my interests at a family party but if I meet person A somewhere else then I seem to fall into the trap of talking on and on and on, not realising I am boring them.

I am working on all this sort of stuff and trying to be self aware. I was out last night at a fundraising quiz night and I don't think I got too much wrong (but now of course there is no one to tell me whether I got things right or wrong).

I am not someone who enjoys social occassions but I can do them, I don't get into a panic or anything but given the choice I don't do them very often. Most of my social stuff is centred around my main 'special interest' so I am surrounded by NT's who share my interest to some degree or another. Family gatherings and random social events are where I normally become unstuck but as I say I am working on this and hopefully I can make improvements.

During the last couple of weeks my ex and I have spoke and corresponded quite extensively. It feels good to speak with her and I get excited in the build up when we have set up a time to phone each other. We try and talk openly and honestly and I feel positive about the future. Hopefully I am not misreading the signs (I have done that more times that I care to remember).

Thanks again for your feedback.

Thanks sweetcakes.

Having a mentor sounds just what I need. Whether I can find one is another thing. I don't really do friends, all my friends are linked to my special interests and I don't get too involved with them outside of that.

I was trying to find a relationship counsellor who had NT/AS couple experience. Most of the counsellors I spoke to, however, said they were AS experienced but in reality it only meant that they had read a book on it once and now consider themselves an expert. I cannot abide self appointed experts.

I did meet an AS nurse once who was absolutely marvellous. She was NT but her husband and son were both AS. She understood my relationship problems immediately but alas was not available for counselling sessions. That was a shame because I felt I could learn a lot from her.

Thanks again for your suggestion.

HI,

You're welcome for my suggestions of having a mentor/sponsor. I guess I would say keep looking for a good counselor, bcs they are hard to find no matter what the issue, and can be invaluable. Also, of course, you can kind of use this forum for that purpose but I have found it can get confusing when I ask ten ppl for advice and I get ten different answers!

An example is where someone in a previous post stated with some certainty the motivations of your ex. That always bothers me bcs your ex could have one or a combo of MANY different motivations. Even an NT cannot necessarily parse out motivations based on actions. For about the 1000th time on these forums, I say to myself, "The ONLY way to REALLY know is to ask!!" Again, I know really open, honest communication is incredibly difficult even among NTs and in the best of circumstances (I have found that the majority of ppl, period- do NOT really WANT open, honest communication- no mater what our therapists try to tell us!), but for Aspies, it is even MORE imperative.

I mean, your ex could just be feeling sorry for you, she could be missing you, she could simply be hurt that the previous rlshp didnt work out and be using you to feel better, she could truly be figuring out that you have wonderful qualities that she didnt realize, I mean it could be ANYTHING and you dont know if you dont ask- several times, over a duration of time. I mean, how horrible would it be if she came back to you only to get weary of the difficulties and leave for the next guy again? It happens. I think given your recent diagnosis, a couples counselor would be a must. It helps each indiv clarify where they stand and then to realistically ascertain if they can be compatible together and how to carry that out....

Hei,

sorry about being so direct. I just thought that for me it took quite some time to realise how much effect new situations and relations have to me (finding a new girl friend is really difficult).
I have moved out, changed my working place and the research area at more or less the same time. Than I continue writing on my PHD thesis at spare time
This all together has set me off really a lot.

Living alone in a new very small place, which is probably not even well furnished is a very hard thing. And dealing with your ex and all the expectations.
Then there are the possible misinterpretations related to that, that can really kill you.

I hope your ex realises that she has to be careful with you and can especially not only care about you without really wanting a relationship when you express feelings to her.
She should know you. If she then expresses real! feelings towards you, she is probably unhappy with that other guy, too.

It sounded also mostly that she is annoyed about your special interests' talking. In a family that should be ok. You are different and normally her family should realise that and support you or ignore it as weird or crazy or whatsoever. You should teach her that it is not her that should be ashamed of you. If someone than you yourself.
Talking about your special interests is nothing really offensive to anyone, why should it be?
You realise yourself when it gets embarrassing and will react and if not, they should tell you and not your (ex) girlfriend.
Have you build bridges to them without your (ex) girlfriend being around?

Maybe there wasn't such a problem for them, who knows?
Some people are embarrassed about problems that don't exist or are not as bad as it seems.
I know this from my friend. He is such and tells me I have f**k:ed up but exagerates
Later on luckily I realised that it was not such a problem with the actual persons

Unfortunately I have trained away talking too much about my interests.
Mainly because I realised what I am interested in is mostly really out of reach for others.
No conversation possible.

If there is something really offensive you do and it repeats that is well a real problem then.
All the things that are non logical to me are such things, because they are very hard to tackle by thinking about them.
It can take ages for me to come behind them

But, normally I guess a such long relationship ends not with somebody dating somebody else and asking permission from the other partner.
That sounds very strange. If she would have left you without going over to another boyfriend then this would be more normal.
It sounds more she couldn't help it and it just happened to her that she fell in love with that guy, because she was otherwise frustrated anyway.

I hope for you that you soon find out, what this all is about. And I guess you have the right to confront her as about as much you can with that you are thinking about.
You have a right to know after 7 years.

That sounds quite like blablabla because you are also so much older than me. And you have much more experience then me
But how people are is maybe one of my special interests


If you have other people thinking about you it is much easier for me to understand myself.
Although you maybe had some conclusion already like that somewhere in your mind.
But are not sure.

Thinking about others is simply so much stronger than thinking about myself.

i hope it helps and i hope you find some good solution, soon.
I hope you have everything you need in your space to make you feel comfortable (TV and so on)
I am pretty bad in arranging things for myself, so I slept on a very bad mattress for example
and if you think it is not forever and you are in trouble, everything gets worse also with arranging things that would be good

Thanks Sweetcakes