Obsession/relationship? What should it be like?

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Hi
I'm new here, and this problem is mainly the reason I finally registered.. This will be a lot of text so thanks if you bother reading and commenting:)
Edit: probably relevant, 22 y old girl, not diagnosed, usually act pretty normal, still pretty sure of Aspergers

I am wondering about the difference of a fascination with someone, falling in love, and simply to be obsessed-ish over them, and thus lose interest after a while.

Two months seems to be the magic point where I simply loose interest. I've been together with my current BF for three months, the last one being a struggle with all kinds of problems coming from everywhere (problems for me, that is. He is perfectly happy. Except when I bother him about not caring or whatever. NT). And this relationship is probably coming to an end anyway. But I have done this so many times, getting interested in some guy, usually never enters any relationship, maybe lovers, maybe just very intimate friends sort of, and then after about two-three monts I simply loose interest. It's like... now I know him. There is nothing more to him, and I see no point in keeping up this relation. Also all the faults that have been there all the time is really starting to bug the hell out of me. At times it may be longer. Or different. Or we might stay friends afterwards (which usually will end even more disasterous since that never work for guys, it seems).

I have only had one long time "grown up" relationship, for about a year, with a guy I still miss, but who were waaaay too crazy for me to deal with (seriously, diagnosis crazy. Might explain why he understood me pretty good though). Freaks me out since I'm worried that the only ones I'll work out with are.. well, too damaged. Or abusive.

So I am worrying if the times I thought I was falling in love, maybe were simply sort of obsessions. And how I can distinguish this. Or if I am simply expecting too much out of a relationship. A BF (or GF) should try to understand you, or at least respect when you're depressed, down, axious, or whatever, right? Even though it might not seem rational and logical to them. Right?

Anyone who have the same problem? Or have some input on what to expect from a functional normal relationship? How much space is healthy, and when does the "individual lifes" make the relationship pointless? After all it's not just about sex and eating dinner together, is it?

Sometimes I find that I'm really interested in a person because I'm curious about them and then once I get inside their head and see how all the parts work that interest goes away. If there were other things that drew me to the person it can work out fine but if that was the main attraction that's usually when things end.

It sounds like you just haven't found someone who can hold your interest yet but I think you can and that when you do they'll certainly try to understand you, and respect you.

1) when it is "THE ONE" it will be different... I cannot explain... but you will know it when you experience it.
2) there might not be "THE ONE" for you... there may be many loves...
3) get diagnosed... that is your greatest tool... do so before the DSM-V is released and becomes the standard

I have that problem as well. I figured my problem was that I am a "new relationship" junkie. I love new relationships, but get over the person quickly. On the other hand there has been a couple of guys I dated that I still have a fondness for, but as for one I still love him after years. We never really dated so I guess I never got my "fill" of them to get them out of my system. With me it is hard to figure my feelings like is it, love, obsession, like, etc.

When it is true love you will know! The desire to be with them does not fade it only gets stronger.
When I was dating my future wife after high school we could hardly stand a day apart from each other.
One time when she was away from home I wanted to see her so bad I walked 36miles to be with her.

This is a sure sign of obsession. There's always more to someone. We change everyday, we have new experiences, new thoughts, new feelings, we are not static. Life itself is the recycling of what already is into new patterns and forms. I know what it is like to be obsessed with static characters, there truly is nothing more to them once the story ends. When you are in a relationship, the story doesn't end. If you feel nothing toward the relationship after you have gotten past the beginning phase, love is not present. In my relationship I want even the moments that appear to be repeating. I don't want to just know who he was, I want to know who he will become. I want not just the moments past, but the ones that will be.



Do you ignore these "faults" because you are too infatuated? If you see them early on, discuss them, work on them. A relationship won't even begin to have a solid foundation until you love who they are and what the relationship brings- are these faults similar to what you implied about not being respected or understood? Those are large faults to dismiss and overlook; you yourself are not being loved.



I think that if you lose interest in them than you were not in love in the first place, it was indeed an obsession. When I first met my boyfriend I worried that I was only infatuated with him and if that went away then I would no longer be in love with him. Yet, when my obsession waned, which it was bound to, I found I didn't stop loving him. I'm still fascinated by him, and my love for him doesn't fade but is renewed everyday.
If you are expecting to be respected and understood within a relationship, than no, you are not expecting too much. If you have not been treated with respect, you are letting your obsessions create relationships that will not work anyway. Perhaps that is the real reason you lose interest, you discover that they are not what you want or need.



I don't know how much space is healthy, I would assume it is different for everyone, and in a relationship each partner compromises for the other: if one needs more space, and the other less, then they work out a way to satisfy both partners' needs. Having an individual life only makes the relationship pointless if one is unwilling to share that life with their partner.
No, it's not just about sex and eating dinner together. It's about two lives being shared. Say one partner works and the other one spends their time at home or volunteering: They have their separate lives, but when they return to each other, they discuss their days, they enjoy each other's company, they find things to do together. What you mention reminds me of my parents: my mom was left alone with us kids a lot by my dad who would qualify as a workaholic. He was gone most of the day and it seemed all he wanted was a meal when he came home and sex if they were together being intimate. She felt like she was being used, not as though she was in a healthy relationship. There was indeed a lot missing from that relationship.

True love's gotta be something that's recognized after years of being with someone, I think, I dunno lol

But if I like a girl, I will get obsessed and distracted (probably like everyone else) but there always has to be some initial connection beyond attraction and "hey we like the same things." So I'd think there's a good reason to get obsessed, but the obsession is distracting.

I would think if you lose interest completely, maybe it's all obsession without any real connection?