Having trouble to set dates with lovers or friends?

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So here is the deal: I recently discovered that a friend of mine (a female) has Asperger's, which explains a lot of her odd behaviors.

However, one thing struck me the most: she mentioned that she has trouble making plans in advance with people. 1) She has difficulties saying "no" to people and 2) whenever she has something planned (a date with a lover or with a friend), she says she has headaches about it which result in her canceling the whole thing at the very last minute sometimes.

I kind of recognize my ex whom I expect had AS too. He would always ask me out on a date and set a day, but often cancel at the very last minute (literally!).

Can some of you relate to this? Why does it seem so difficult to make plans in advance? Why is it that planning a date can lead to a troubled mind and headaches? If you are going out with a lover or friend, isn't that a pleasant thing to look forward to?

Actually yes... because sometimes it's out of fear I believe.
Sure you are supposed to enjoy a date but you do feel that slight bit of uncertainty which could bring a headache trying to look into it a lot.
It's not that we cancel because we won't enjoy it, it is based on illogical fear of trying too hard that we end up being something we aren't.

I like coordination and planning myself. Gives me an idea of a time and place when I am supposed to be somewhere. I don't mind call ups on the spot either since I may be doing nothing. However, our emotional thoughts and our attempt at processing them can be exhausting and give headaches. It is possible that something that was planned in advance may make that person more anxious about the meeting or date itself. I guess in both scenarios, too much anxiety caused your two friends to just back out. It is natural to be afraid, but not like this. I sometimes walk away from parties, or small gatherings while the night is still young for the same reasons
There could be other reasons too that gave them headaches as well, like a bad day at work/school for example, and the need for some down time as a result.

i don't like planning things in advance. i like it last minute or i tend to worry about it for weeks and its all i think about it.

It's anxiety related. It's kind of like how a bride has 2nd thoughts on her wedding day when she spent months preparing for her perfect wedding

I like this response. That is exactly what my female Aspie friend does all the time! Whenever we are having a good time, she suddenly leaves for no apparent reason (to us), although she has a set of excuses she likes to use over and over again: "suddenly got sick", "suddenly feeling tired", "received a text message from someone", "doesn't like the music at the bar", etc... I know for a fact that she has a very low self-esteem, so the anxiety is definitely part of it, I guess. There is nothing much I can do to change that for her, though.

As for the male Aspie I know: he would always join people after they are already settled somewhere in a bar or somewhere else. Basically, he never shows up early or in time, rather too late or with at least 15 minutes delay. However, he is very strict about going to bed around 2 am after a night out. I don't know what his problem for cancelling dates and meetings is, but I don't think it's fear. Or do you think I am wrong about that?

I canceled my first date with my (now) ex husband, due to anxiety issues. I've had it happen since too, but as I am now well over my 30 yr mark, it's not as much a problem as it was in my 20s. I do want an actual time for meeting up though, and get frustrated when friends are late. Then again, my friends tend to be late often, so it could just be the repetitive nature of that situation. I often show early, orient myself to the location, but will duck out to be in outside during times at clubs or parties.

Yep. I first noticed this right before I discovered my aspieness. Concrete dates and times? How do I know if I'm going to want to do anything then?? can't we wait until then and talk about it?! hehe

Just about to drive somewhere to take a train to take a train somewhere to see a friend, and I made plans to do it! aaaaand then tomorrow I leave on a backpacking trip with my dad for 3 or 4 whole days and I planned the date ahead of time!! YAYAY!

We'll see how't goes! fantastic I predict, most likely punctuated by great deals of confusion and distress.

bloooop!

No, it is fear. No doubt in my mind. Normal guys and girls I talk to will also cancel out on first dates for the same reasons. It's just that I have done it frequently at some points in my life. I remember a co-worker many years ago while I worked at a Wal-Mart,; I'd ask her out, and then cancel. This would repeat itself several times until I finally had the balls to keep the commitment.

I bailed early last week on a group of friends after we finished the pre-drinks because I "wasn't feeling it." I also kind of liked a lady in the group, but was sensing a bad vibe too. Those were my two reasons for leaving that night. Other nights, I'd be "too sober" or "too drunk" Only once did I ever use the excuse "I'm sick" because that particular night, I actually was sick. Sometimes, I had headaches before going out, so the night was not as enjoyable as a result.

What about cancelling dates with someone you have been seeing for a couple of weeks? Or cancelling on a friend you have known for years?

And one more question: if you start dating someone, would you suddenly break it off after a couple of weeks? Also because of fear? In my situation, there was a prospect of a long distance relationship: do you think that might have triggered it?

If I cancelled on a friend I have known for years, there usually are reasons for that. I don't know about the other Aspies. I did go through a depression recently, and did not want to be the downer of the group of people that had asked me to come out with them. I understood people were there to have a good time, but I know I could not bring myself to do that. Other reasons may include being sick (real), or exhaustion since I do need my sleep.

Cancelling on dates with someone I was seeing for a couple of weeks? Can't say I have had that much time to get there with most people, and I don't think I ever did cancel on someone if I was there. I have had people cancel on me for whatever reason, and the next day they were suddenly seeing someone else (Kind of adds to my anxiety, rather than help it).

Breaking off a relationship for some reason after a couple of weeks? Definitely because of fear and I had done this a few times. I remember a couple girls really crying too. It made me feel awful at the same time. I have not had the opportunity to get their with a lot of people, but I did try to break off friendships with people after a while for no good reason either. I have even tried to break off friendships with my best friends when growing up because of some unfounded fear that I had.

I don't know if long distance is a good idea for an Aspie. I tried a couple times, but I kept communicating my fear to these people that they would not want me for whatever reasons. But this itself was just a self-fulfilling prophecy (another topic entirely), because they did end up leaving me because I was too scared.

I will give you a story that increased my fear through your inbox.

Ok thanks! Looking forward to your message in my inbox! Your comments have been very helpful so far!