Trying to date a woman with Aspergers

Post Reply New Topic

Awwwww! That is awesome. And, a sort of obscure reference to the Glass Menagerie, just like my username, even if you didn't intend it to be, lol. (Laura Wingfield is in many ways an archetypal autistic female). Try to remember that feeling and call upon it the next time things are challenging and you need to show some patience. And, if you ever read that play in school, think back to when that guy broke off the glass unicorn's horn. Without thinking or appreciating it, he handled it too harshly and it was no longer special.

Anyhow, I think it's great that you're trying to learn and would second the suggestion to read Aspergirls. Goofy title, but an excellent book. It sounds like you are starting to realize that using prior experience with non-AS women as a roadmap may not work in this instance and your best shot at making this work will be learning her language, so that is also great.

As far as her needing copious amounts of time alone and having difficulty rearranging her routines; I am the same way. I don't 'read people' the way others do and feel I have lived much of my life in a state of high alert because I never really know what people are thinking, what they'll say or do, how they'll react to me, etc. It's only when I'm alone that I can fully relax and recharge. And, my routines help me feel like I have some kind of a foundation and something that is dependable and makes sense in a chaotic world.

It will probably not be an easy thing for her to let you in, but it will help if you can make her feel comfortable around you and like she can trust you to do as you say and (explicitly) say what you'll do. Try your best to be clear in your communication with her and also give her warning before making any moves, ie. "Is it okay if I put my arm around you?" Try to bear in mind that she'll rarely, if ever, be able to read your mind and that she experiences the world very differently than most people you know and hopefully that will go a long way. Good luck!

Thank you blueroses! I'm not familiar with the book/story about the unicorn. It was really how I feel about the situation (and still do). And I meant it.

In some ways the dating experience with her is no different that any other. I'm terrible at it, and make a better boyfriend than a date. Its amazing I ever get past dating. But in others its different. I almost feel like im at a disadvantage having read "Aspergirls" and other books by the same author. To frame current situation...

She is self proclaimed as mild on the spectrum. I am finding it hard to discern whether or not things like always keeping her hands full on walks (preventing hand holding) are on purpose or just her aspie traits showing. As you can read running through the thread, I feel like I've been fairly forward with her, and she had been pretty up front with now busy her current schedule is. She continues to engage in conversation and seeing me, which I can only assume is good, but am afraid of being stowed away into a friend zone and never getting the chance to be more. I'm not used to dating someone for a month and never having held her hand. I'm not hunting for a booty call, and I hope that's clear.

I honestly don't know why I keep posting. Just keep grasping at straws looking for an answer I guess. I just need to relax and let things happen as they will I meant.

There are of course exceptions to the rules and varying degrees of things. Think of the tips as guidelines rather than truths set in stone. In my experience there are certain 'triggers' that will set off an AS episode or awkard moment; whatever you want to call it, but they don't always go off 100% of the time.
For example most of the time when I take something literally I realized the origional meaning but think I am being funny by acting it out. Then I realize I just made a complete fool of myself because didn't leave any visable sarcasm in to make it look like I'm not a complete idiot.

dating an aspie is like dating a computer that needs commands. just play along as friends and the relationship grows stronger when you know he/she is the one. then just make things simple after that. relationship takes time and understanding to make it. just jot in down in a notebook if your that spaced off.

Not sure what spaced out means - just thoroughly confused. I'm well aware relationships take time. My last relationship was just over 7 years long.

spaced out just means either a brain fart or don't really get the concept.

Well, doesn't matter much now. I've somehow managed to get her to completely ignore my existence. Won't reply to texts, email, IM's. I've backed off. I have no other choice. Not trying to be a crazy stalker.

well maybe she doesn't want to hold hands. what made you want to do that? did you even like her from the start or just did a test drive to see what was going on?

Not sure I follow completely but I'll try. I never made an obvious push for hand holding, and never said anything to her. I'm not in any real hurry and don't want to make her uncomfortable. And yes, from when we first met I liked her. Mre so as time wore on. At least untill I started talking to a brick wall.

Not sure what you are aking about there.

wait a minute, why did you like her to begin with?

Common interests, Well educated, Passion for he interests. Didn't hurt she was cute . Not sure what you are getting at.

that doesn't explain the brick wall problem you had with her. you must of did something to make her hate you or just not bother?

Yeah - if I knew I'd tell ya. Best I can gather its her way of saying she's done. I can't think of anything that I'd have done or said. I've done my best be be a gentleman and show intrest without being sleepy or creepy. I'd prefer being told instead of ignored. But whaddayagunnado.

are you still gonna look for another woman to date or just be single? was the woman disabled?

This conversation has gotten strange. Read the whole thread - she's not disabled.

And no, I don't have plans to go start dating someone else. Just going to lay low, see what happens with her, and take care of my own business.

she is disabled. the whole thread was about her being autistic. dude, your dealing with a person that doesn't

understand what your talking about. it wasn't strange i just only said one thing in the beginning. Aspies are like

computers. your talking to one right now.