Ok, something's wrong but I have no idea what it is...

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Ok, for some odd reason, I'm having issues with how I react when my girlfriend is angry about something. I know I'm supposed to listen and try not to be a helper so she can vent and know that I'm truly there and listening to her but when she vents, she says stuff that offends me and just doesn't sound logical (no she's not bi-polar). She's usually humble and sweet but when she vents, it's like the bitterness and pride comes out which makes it hard for me to empathize when she's really angry. When someone offends her it's like she just can't let it go and move on. Eventually while she's venting, I can't take it and I have to offer my two cents because I'm annoyed by her venting and I can only handle it for so long.

She has an abusive father but the thing is she moved out and is working in a credit union and writes in her spare time. She used to have a boyfriend that was a hardcore drinker and would get angry randomly. When she vents though she goes on about how the world is terrible, men abuse women all the time, about how band A sucks compared to band B, how there's so much injustice, and that life is meaningless sometimes. I don't understand what she has to be angry about because it seems like it's coming from her past and the way her viewpoint is. She has a great job, a beautiful house, and she has great musical taste. I understand people get over things, but I think she is having trouble with that. And she likes to be with me because I'm a "positive guy." But in reality, I'm starting to feel more angry around the times she's vented and it rubs on other friends of mine the wrong way. Other times our relationship is great and we've spent a lot of quality time writing together and going to concerts. But in those moments in time, which happen maybe once a month, it gets nasty and I'm sick of it.

So knowing all that, I'm wondering what I'm supposed to do if she vents like this? If I walk out of the room, she'll feel alone like nobody cares and I truly care for her, but at the same time, I can't handle it when she gets because it hurts me as a person! I know people get angry, but to just suck it up will also make me angry and my self-esteem will feel dead. How do I handle my emotions?

I would say to just listen, (or even pretend to listen) and comfort her. She just really wants to tell you how she's feeling and if she's saying somethings unfair or somebody else is an ass or somebody is wrong etc, just agree with her. Usually when I get really upset and vent to my husband, all I want him to listen and agree with me and to know that he's on my side. Just knowing that you are on her side and are there for her is usually all it takes if she's venting.

If she says something that offends you, remember it and maybe the next day or the day after that, when she's in a better mood, bring it up and tell her how you felt. Making generalizations is something that happens sometimes when people get angry. Most people don't mean everything they say when they are mad, so keep that in mind too. She may be just blowing off steam.

I would suggest just putting your arms around her if she's a cuddly type girl and listening, and not really making too many comments. Just noises like "Mmmmmhmmmmm" work well and lets her know you are listening. If she asks what you think, then say something neutral. When she's upset isn't the time to bring up that something offends you, not unless you want an argument. Make sure you bring it up at a later time though, in a nonaccusing way though. She most likely doesn't say it directed at you or to hurt your feelings, and she may not really know that she is hurting your feelings, because if you tell her when she's angry she may not take it the way you mean it.

Also, if you can think of something to change the subject that would calm her down, thats a good idea too. Maybe get her a glass of wine and have her lay down while you rub her back. It's very hard to maintain a high level of anger and to keep bitching when you are laying on your stomach and somebody is sitting on your behind and rubbing your back.

Usually agreeing is the easy part.
The hard part is handling my own emotions when she's going on and on. She told me I contradict myself because I'm angry that she's angry. She says I'm expressing a natural angry emotion that I won't let her feel. She says she feels like I'm trying to imprison her emotions & she'll only let her feel happiness.

Really what bothers me is her tone of voice and the words that come out of her mouth. She says things like "This sucks." rather than "This bothers me." And I have a hard time with people being judged so naturally I would hate it if she was calling someone who offended her an ass. So she hits my own button and I go off.

That has to be under control, and I don't know what to do to restrain myself.

I don't think that's a huge deal.

Just let her yell and be angry. If she's saying dumb s**t, just remember, she's angry. People say dumb s**t when they are angry. What is she saying? Racial slurs?

I dont' think it's worth getting offended over

When people say things like "(certain group) are sheep" when obviously they follow a trend or religion for a reason, I just have to say, WTF?

Sheeple is usually a term for those who unquestionally follow.

Exactly. Calling someone a sheep is judging that someone when they don't even understand or backup research as to why they follow that trend or religion in the first place.

Your girlfriend sounds fairly young as an adult. How old is she?

Without wanting to sound like Dr. Phil I think her anger problems are to do with her bad experiences in the past. She's lashing out in the same way her dad and her ex did to her. She just needs reaching out to and support and this will eventually change.

One thing, though - do not sell yourself out. You are entitled to disapprove or disagree with things. It's healthy, and if she is so against "sheeple" then she would respect these basic rights. If you disagree with certain things said be honest about it but don't be rude about it, either. She definitely needs support, she's your girlfriend. But her past isn't like a green card for her to wreck your future together.

She's your age, JanuaryMan. That's also why this bothers me. I'm a year and a half older.



To tell her that would be like trying a non-treated bi-polar patient he/she has bipolar. I don't want to sound like a counsellor. I have to be a listener, cherisher and nurturer.



The agreement and disagreement is fine. The honesty is fine. It's just that I should be allowed to let her know that what she says offends me when she's upset and if it keeps going while she's upset, I don't want to hear it anymore because it makes me angry. This is the part where I need some help badly.

how often does she do this? if it's once in a blue moon, i'd say try to relax during her outbursts, then try reasoning with her when she is calm. not immediately afterward, but after a few days or something. people do say dumb things when they are angry, but if they don't get angry too often it's not really a big deal.

on the other hand, if it happens frequently, then perhaps she is showing her true colours and her true colours are unacceptable to you. you can't really force her to change. you can try talking to her during a down period, and it may work. but i sense that she doesn't like to be judged for her behaviour and opinions, so she might just get angry about that. and it sounds like you don't want to change your own feelings and behaviour either, because you disagree with her on a philosophical level. perhaps you think that supporting her feelings when her opinions are abhorrent is not acceptable. and maybe you are right. your instincts are telling you very strongly what you should do. in the cold light of day do you really want to encourage her to speak like that?

for me, i have a distant friend who spews nonsense about immigrants and conspiracy theories about other races and women and such. as long as he is a *distant* friend who i see infrequently, it's ok. but if i had to listen to that garbage on a regular basis i couldn't stay friends with him because i am offended by his ideologies.

Once bi-weekly to once a month. Sometimes it's twice a week depending on the month. March and April is particularly not great.
What you said really helped a lot, hyperlexian. Thank you.

Oliveoilmom has got it. Listen to her vent, comfort her, give her hugs, there's no need for you to disagree or comment on her opinions, just nod, because our girl isn't talking about band A or the meaning of life, she's talking about how sh***y she feels about herself, and something triggered old feelings.

If you find yourself needing to leave the room, maybe this isn't the right chick for you....or you the right dude for her.....................

I don't know...
if I did something that bothered my husband to the point where it was hurting him at that level, I would just want him to be honest with me and let me know when I'm crossing the line.
I think she could probably get used to switching her words around from 'sucks' to 'bothers me' etc. and limiting her venting when needed.
This would only work if she understands that you might have sensitivities that might not necessarily make complete sense to her.

By the way I think it's great that you try so hard to listen to her through her emotions, give yourself a pat on the back.

I have an idea!

Background: I'm a fairly opinionated NT dating as aspie male. I follow a lot of political and feminist news, and I can have a rant now and then like the best of them. Just let her run her course, believe me: she'll appreciate it. We humans don't always show the best of ourselves when we're upset and get on our soap boxes---but we need to climb up there every now and then. Being a woman is tough. All our lives, people attribute everything we do and say and feel to our gender, so when we do get upset and go on a rant, it's doubly upsetting to have someone cut us down for it. And upsetting to the maximum to be told that we're overreacting.

Just never, never tell her to "calm down". That doesn't make anyone feel good.

Resist the urge to argue, but if you MUST speak out (and it sounds like you need to sometimes), try using language that will turn it into a discussion or respectful debate rather than an argument. Whatever you do, here's the key: debate the subject at hand, NOT her feelings about the subject. Her feelings are hers to have, as yours are yours to have. I can say that for whatever reason, my boyfriend is a pro at this. He interrupts or voices opposing viewpoint sometimes, but he NEVER makes me feel like my feelings are invalid, and I can't tell you how much I appreciate that. I've definitely dated men who've patronized me for my opinions and feelings in the past. What an awful feeling.

Also, if she's just in a bad mood, if whatever she's upset about has just worn her out. . . try making her feel better. Offer a massage, put your arms around her, offer to make her dinner, or just ask if there's anything you can do. That might soothe the savage beast within. Who knows? If you're the type who has problems expressing affection (like my guy is), ranting may be her way of unconsciously trying to get some warmth out of you. I know I'm guilty of that. Example: I am a sunny and giving person most of the time, but when that continuously failed to earn me hugs/kisses/gestures/affection from my boyfriend, I resorted to clearly expressing how tired/angry/ sad I was about something else, hoping that would signal to him that I needed affection. When THAT didn't work, my mood would just spiral into depression, all the while without him knowing what to do.

Happily, I recognize that pattern for what it is now (the as diagnosis helped!), and I try to avoid it.

If you suspect that to be the case, that she is 'acting out' so to speak, to get you to share some affection----here's my advice: try offering it, however hard it is for you, while she's in a GOOD mood. Try as hard as you can to remember to give her a kiss now and then, or a hug, or tell her she looks nice, when she's at her best. You may notice a difference. You may notice there are fewer rants. But of course, hugs to cure the rants are still wonderful, too!

This last week I have befriended a consistently angry male goose

Someone said someone killed and ate his girlfriend. Another reckons he's just autistic or a gay goose, as he tries climbing up on me when I sit on the ground, when I play face off with him, squawking at each other inches from his beak[sunglasses for protection]

Anyhoos, hes alone except for his unhitched male mates[none of them are violent], while 94% of the geese are pair bonded. I keep telling him it could be worse, at least he's healthy and has the flock for company.

He attacks children and I have been trying to modify his behaviour by bullying him back. Hes my besty friend ATM, and he calls out from a distance when he sees me and comes ambling over, even though I dont feed him or any other birds.

His behaviour is also a successful adaptation, as many bird feeders drop their bread bag in fright, when under his angry goose attack

I'm guessing your GF's whiny outbursts are some sort of adaptation with you.... maybe you need to connect emotionally as a pre emptive strike... rather than wait on her need for an emotional meltdown

If emotional connection is not natural to you, I recommend a great movie surprisingly from Winnipeg: The Saddest Music in the World

I sounds as if she needs a good bleat every now and then, and you are incompatible with this innate need in her.

Its normal, just like being an angry goose. Your gentle passive style could be out of sync, possible even enraging her more....

I have had the same with girlfriends, and bitching male friends too. Let them rant, but dont let them go too far [attacking children]

Last edited by Surfman on 02 Sep 2012, 2:40 pm, edited 2 times in total.

In your mind aarpar, is this too frequent hence you don't know what to say or do in terms of her having these outbursts?