Do I go out or not?

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Tomorrow is First Friday, and all the art galleries open up in the arts district near where I live in the city. I've gone quite frequently to look at the art. Most of it I find to be utter shite and overpriced shite at that. But what keeps me going is the thought that maybe I'll meet somebody, maybe THE somebody. But in three years I've been going nearly every month, nothing has happened.

I've pretty much given up on dating, or even trying to date, because it was a worthless endeavor, and a waste of time and money. Instead I've redoubled my energies on my work, on my hobbies, my ambitions. It's proven fruitful, but it's still hard at times, what with living in a society that seemingly flaunts the need for companionship in your face 24/7. Everyone on facebook talking about how happy they are, how much they love their partner, how they're having kids together (it's enough to want me to tell them to shut the f**k up and be humble and not flaunt their happiness all the time.)

So I still haven't quite gotten rid of these silly desires for a girlfriend, and First Friday's is probably the last vestige of my romantic life, since I've deleted all my dating accounts, and I've sworn off dating or asking people out or trying to find someone during the rest of my daily routine.

I'm torn because there is part of me (the sucker optimist) who says, "Maybe this time will be the time." While the realist says I shouldn't bother, that I need to stay home and work, work, work, develop my skills, to work on that script, that novel, that antique radio I'm restoring. Because those are things I can control, while I cannot control how other people will feel about me. I've got to focus on being happy as I am, and not pinning hopes on some woman who likely doesn't exist.

So do I bother to go out, and likely waste an entire evening on a fruitless search for some woman who'll just reject me like all the rest, or do I stay in, and work on the things that actually matter, and are within my grasp?

go out, but dont go out looking for a woman. Go out to have some fun. If a woman ends up in the list of the fun you had that night then everything went better than expected.

That's what I've triedin the past, but it's too painful, seeing all these happy couples, all these beautiful women who are totally out of my league yet I desire to know better.

I just feel sometimes like it's a waste of time trying to connect with people based solely on who I am. But if I instead work on my creative endeavors, maybe one of them will make my name known so then people will see me for the work I do and accept me for that and forgive me my myriad flaws.
But I must invest hard work now if I am to make my name with something great. Because as is, I'm not dateable.

its my advice and im sticking to it. your call on doing it or not.

If it's any consolation, many millions of people will never accept themselves enough to fall in love. One thing that I've realized over the years is that you never find love, in fact, it finds you, when you are not looking for it. Also, on the topic of the idiots on facebook etc., usually those that are the loudest in condescending single/foreveralone people, fall among those that experience deficiency love, or not true love, and they're attacking their shadow. Not all, but many that I've noticed are not happily married at the crux of things. They stay together because of apathy, finances etc.

Why not go do something that you enjoy more than looking at "overpriced shite"?
That way, even if you don't meet someone, you'll at least have had a good time.

QFT
Truer words have never been said. Major reps to you.

It also tends to find you not only when you are not looking for it, but exactly when you're ready for it and not a moment sooner. (which is predicated on the acceptance part anyway)

Last edited by Kjas on 02 Nov 2012, 7:03 am, edited 2 times in total.

This summer I met what seemed to be a somewhat happy/succesful adult woman that just retired.

We met once a week on a group setting and she liked having me around so eventually we became close friends.


This "happy" woman has:
- Had dinner with drunk me in a fast food place after meeting random people instead of dining out with her husband and child at a place she loves(she claims that she was blinded by love when she married and they dont get along that well but they share a mortgage, her child is 17 so according to her words he is ashamed of her)
-Joked about suicide frequently in the last few weeks because her birthday was upcoming and she is worried about being put in a nursing home(I did try to talk her out of it)

Some of my older friends ask me why I keep talking to her when there are more age-adequatte choices. Truth is she is comfortable talking to me and Ive learnt that finding someone and whatnot will not sort out your life which is a pretty valuable lesson so I try to make it up to her by talking to her because she enjoys our conversations

I've been trying contacting people to meet up this evening, but no one has replied. To hell with it. My time is too short on this earth to waste on other people. I'm gonna stay in and do some work that'll actually matter.

I'd say to go, but go without expectations. That way if nothing happens you won't be disappointed and if it does happen it's a nice surprice.

I'd also like to suggest that maybe some of your negativity and seeming bitterness about other people being in relationships comes out to girls, even if you don't mean for it to. If you come across as negative and bitter, you aren't going to find somebody. You also have to remember that the people who have somebody didn't always have them and they too had to look. Also, just because someone is in a relationship now doesn't mean they will always be in that relationship. They have no guarantee that it will last, even if they want it to.

I also think you may need to try and look at other people talking about their lives in ways other than "flaunting it". I don't know who your FB friends are, but at least 1/4 of mine are posting negative stuff at any given time. You may just be focusing more on the positive light hearted "fluff status". Keep in mind also that some people have their FB friends in groups. If they want to post something thats upset them they may mark it where only a certain group can see it, that you aren't in. Some people do that so as to not "air their dirty laundry' to people they aren't that close too.

I seriously doubt they are trying to flaunt or rub it in to anyone that they are happy and they are in a relationship. When you are happy it's normal to want to share that because many, many people will be happy for you if they are your friend. I remember years ago when my husband won $10,000 in a drawing. I found out about it and was home alone. This was before FB was big and I didn't have a MySpace yet. I wanted so much to share the amazing joy that I felt so I ran next door and knocked on the next door neighbors door. I didn't know her well, just to speak in passing but she was always very nice to me. She was a few years older than me and having serious marriage problems and was planning on a divorce after her mother (who lived with them) died. She had told me this stuff herself. We tend to talk a lot about stuff like that down here. Even acquaintances do that many times. Anyway, I ran over and banged on Sylvias door frantically. She ran to the door and said "WHATS WRONG????" because I must have looked like a wild eyed crazy woman or something. I was jumping up and down and said "My husband just won ten thousand dollars at a drawing at the Hyundai place!" I was not doing it to rub it in her face that I have a husband and wasn't planning a divorce with him. I was not doing it to flaunt the fact that we just got ten grand either. I was doing it because I wanted somebody to share that moment of happiness with me. She did. She was thrilled for me and invited me in to tell her mother. She was genuinely happy for me, but I'm sure it was just a passing "little bit of happiness" type thing she felt, but still. It was nice.

If I post something on FB like "Hubby and I went out to dinner. Went to the Chinese place. It was great." I'm not trying to flaunt that I have a husband or one that takes me out or that I'm doing something others may not be doing. I just want to say that we went to the Chinese place and it was good. That is the entire point of my post. It has nothing to do with flaunting anything. One of my FB friends just got engaged and posted it. We all posted congrats and stuff and are happy for her. The single people aren't bitter about it at all. Even the one guy who is a friend of my kids who is about 25 or so and never had a real gf although he's gotten laid a bunch of times, just never found a girl he really liked except this one who moved to California after dating him for a few months, plus his racist dad didn't like her cause she was black so his dad gave him a hard time and he moved in with us for the duration. I'm sure he would like to find a girl he can be with but hasn't. He may hook up with a girl at a party, but he mainly spends his time hanging out with my older daugher and her fiance and also my youngest son. He sits in their room and plays video games or watches tv. Really. That's probably kind of why he hasn't found a gf. He's not out looking. Oh well, he will figure it out eventually. He's also very much NT. He's got a great personality, not negative in any way, fun to be around, etc. He just can't find a gf. It happens.

Sometimes there are the lucky people who meet one person very early on, and thats the first person they date and the one they stay with. They haven't been without a partner from the time they started actually trying to find a relationship. My oldest daughter is one of those. She's been dating my oldest son's friend since she was 13 and he was 16. She had known him since she was much younger and as she got older they started liking each other then started writing notes to each other and chatting online and she started hanging out in my sons room with him in that group of kids and it went from there. He was her first bf and she was his first gf. They are still together and got engaged last summer when he took her on a cruise. Sometimes there are fairy tale romances like that, but they are not the normal case. It's pretty rare. Most people do not stay with the first person they are with.

I would seriously try to find some way to counter your negativity because it's probably coming across in ways you don't even notice. If you have access to a therapist, he might could talk to you and help you out with those feelings and help you learn to let go of them. It's hard to not be bitter when you feel that you got the short end of the stick, but you have to realize that being bitter can actually make things worse and prevent things from getting better.

I'd say go. Go out, but don't expect anything. Maybe even go to a club or something sometimes. Make your goal to just talk to girls, not ask them out on a date or find "the one". Just to talk to them. In fact, plan on not asking any of the girls out that you talk to. Do not let yourself do it. If you have decided you are only going to talk for a few minutes in the club, then you won't feel any pressure to find the right girl for you etc. It will actually show in your behavior when that self imposed pressure is gone. Sometimes, if you are looking for someone very hard and it's the most important goal of the evening, it can come across as desperation and girls don't like that either.

Go out and just talk to girls. Talk for a few minutes, be pleasant, and then walk away. Don't let yourself do more than that or wonder if you just let the perfect one go. You may not even be in the emotional shape right now maintain a relationship if you do find the perfect one. Plus, theres more than one perfect one for everybody I think. I think that while it may seem pointless and boring and a waste of time and money at first, you will start enjoying yourself some after the first few evenings of doing that if you make yourself continue. I also think you will start getting a little bit more self esteem about your chances with women. You'll see that you can actually talk to and interest girls and you won't feel as driven and desperate to find one to be in a relationship with you. You'll realize that you have choices. You'll also gain valuable social skills doing this, because it's practice and if you refuse to let yourself ask one out, there is no winning or losing.

Good luck.