Worried that I may be incapable of love or being loved

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I have known and went out with a NT twice, spanning over a year.
We broke up a month ago, due to the fact that I was a total a-hole to her. In fact, both break-ups were caused by my irrational anger, an attitude that I sometimes have a hard time controlling. I have also been lazy too, a habit I have had since childhood.
She has always been there for me, trying with all her heart an soul to help me live a good life and to able to support both myself and her.
The thing is I get angry when she tries to push me to get a job and all, and instead it's just me at home 24/7 with her coming with the pay from a week-long of hard work. It's as if I took it all for granted. The break up happened on one night when I felt like everything was going out of control; I realized all the wrongs I have made during the relationship and when she rang me, all I said was 'I don't know' and 'you deserve better'. She loved me so much until that very day I just replied 'I don't know' when she asked if she loved me. I have a habit of saying 'I don't know' when I feel like something or everything falls out of place and someone tries to understand or help me. Plus, I promised her that I would get a job, but getting a job these days is very hard where I live that maybe I should just break it (and I regret that, still).
In the end I... I feel so remorseful for all I have done against her. We're still friends, but now it seems maybe we will never bother trying again later and forgiveness is going to take time. Her friends would think she'd be an idiot to take me back again, and this is one sin I will have to bear.
I am truly sorry for what I have done and am grateful for all she has done to try help me. She knows about Asperger's, as some members of her family have it too.
I just wish I was never hurtful in the first place. She's 4 years younger than me (I am 22), and now I know how it feels to hurt someone. I am moving on, but I feel like, from all the pain I have caused... I feel like I can never be loved. I have problems with social skills, am prone to anger, and can get emotional.

I just wish I had one last chance to make everything right, but now it seems impossible that I wish I could start my whole life over again. Maybe we might get back together in future, maybe we ain't made for each other, I don't know. All I want is to show to her that I don't want to be an a-hole and that I am sorry for being one.

PS. Sorry if any of what I said is incoherent.

You should try telling her what you just told us.

Also, do you got to therapy or counselling? That could help you out greatly.

Good luck, and remember that honest communication is key to a healthy relationship.

What Blammo said makes sense and if it's hard for you to "tell" her, then you should write it in a letter or email. Your post is quite coherent and I think it would help her a lot to understand how you think. Even if she knows about aspergers, each person is different and you could help her (or a future gf) better understand you by explaining how you are affected by things, ie nagging you about the job situation when you are already feeling stressed. Maybe you could come up with a "safe" word that expresses that you need a break/time to decompress and that she needs to respect that or risk the anger.

I might, but I ain't going to make any excuses and right now she is not in the right mood to talk to me. She is still pretty much pissed off from me unintentionally treating her like crap, so I won't be contacting her until she does. May sound dull, but I am not doing anything that may risk her getting even more angrier and therefore severing the friendship.

I am already experiencing empathy a little from the things she say. She's still in her teen years, and even if she's an adult the transition from teenage to grown-up thought is a gradual process; doesn't happen in one go. It is going to take time for her to forgive me. Besides, I am going to have to say talking about it won't work. There are some changes in my life that I need to make, especially if I want a stable and healthy relationship. I feel it may be too late to get back with her again, because of her friends and family input but again she's still in her teen years.

I ain't expecting anything, but I wish she'll be back with me. For now I am going to move on, and focus on my own life now. I ain't ready for a relationship and neither is she, but it's going to take time to set anything right and to prove you've changed for the better in the most positive way. Thanks, guys.