Craving some kind of expression of affection

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I've been doing well for a while. I'd sworn off dating, and I've been working hard on as many projects as I can, artistic, or around the house. Hot or cold, every day I'm out running 4 6 or 10 miles. All to just beat my desires for love and physical contact into submission.

Naturally my weaknesses took hold, and I've been in touch with the one person who responded to me through match.com late this summer. We had met for dinner once, and kept sporadic contact. We both are devoted to our careers, but she's especially devoted as a pianist. A few days ago we met again. I came to see her recital, and then we had coffee. She's perfectly wonderful and I desire to know her better. Yet when we say good bye, she seems reticent even to hug me. I don't try to kiss her, just a friendly hug, but it seems almost as if that is unusual to her.

I sent her a complimentary message afterwards, nothing overt, but subtle. I said I enjoyed her recital, and admired her talent and could see she was going to go far with it. I ended by saying I enjoyed talking with her, and hoped we could meet again soon. She never replied.

I suspect it's not going anywhere, like all the rest. And it's driving me mad. I've been trying for so, so long, a decade almost, and I have yet to get a girlfriend, or advance beyond 2 dates. It's driving me mad because I'm just craving one night of human contact....holding hands, soft kissing and touching shared between two people who like and respect and find each other desirable. One night of gentle love.

No doubt some might suggest a hiring a woman's services for this eventuality. And I've pondered it. And I can't do it. It's not the sex so much, or the physical contact, but what it means that I crave. I want to be wanted. I need to be wanted. How strange it is, that women fight so hard to be taken seriously for who they are, not how they look, and yet, what I would give to be regarded for my looks, to be regarded as hot and sexy. To be desires. To be wanted. Oh to be with someone who wants me like I want them! How I wish I could find that person. there have been so many I've felt respect and love and desire for; none were willing or able to reciprocate.

I've focused so hard to be happy as I am, and how I am. And it has worked most of the time. But at it's core, there is an emptiness. There is so much I have to share with someone. And the thought that that someone may not exist, fills me with despair.

I know how you feel, to be perfectly honest your situation reminds me quite a bit of mine, although I would say that my personal outlook and feelings about it are much different from your own. I'm also pretty career-focused, and have been getting pretty serious into exercising over the past 2 years. But I also have never made it beyond 2 dates (2 seems to be the magic number here lol, wonder why). I've actually been in a bit of a slump lately as well because of it. I recently went out with a woman who was pretty much exactly what I've been looking for, our interests, goals in life, and even personalities essentially seemed to match up down to the letter. But after we went out for dinner she stopped replying to my messages, no explanations or anything.

It's certainly difficult, but I have never been one to give up on anything in life. I try my best to learn from my mistakes and continue on. I personally think that you have the right idea, with respect to focusing on your career and interests, but I don't think that you should completely abandon all hopes of a relationship. It's pretty obvious from your posts that you truly desire one, and I think that trying to pretend you don't will be doing yourself a disservice in years to come.

One thing you have to keep in mind is that there is definitely someone out there for you, just as there is for me and many other people...it's just that sometimes the odds of finding that person aren't exactly in our favor. Certainly makes things a bit more challenging, but not impossible!

What did she play at her recital? Brahms? Chopin? Busoni? Prokofiev? Just curious.

"I desire to know her better."

that's a very stiff language style. I hope you appeared more relaxed to her over coffee, than on this posting.

"Yet when we say good bye, she seems reticent even to hug me."

- Either the girl sees you as not interested in her (emotionally), or she didn't sense any emotional connection with you during the visit, or maybe she's been abused in the past. If you focused 100% on academic or daily interests, but not about feelings, then she won't be interested in hugging or physical contact.

"what I would give to be regarded for my looks, to be regarded as hot and sexy.
To be desires. To be wanted"
- OK but look at the boyfriends of really hot women. Many of those boyfriends don't exactly look like model figures, but they create attraction because they're unpredictable and often in trouble (interpret: exciting) . I wouldn't suggest becoming an arrogant a-hole; all I'm saying is that it's not about how you look, it's all about how you make the woman feel.

I don't even know any more. I don't know what I'm doing right or wrong. She seemed at ease, she laughed at my jokes, and I told her how much I enjoyed her playing. I thought I was doing everything right.

I need to get back to what was working, which was to swear off all dating and attempts at connecting with women, because every time I try it just causes misery.

I'm not going to write or text her again, or keep any contact. I'm tired of her taking a week or ten days to respond to a simple email. I'm done with it.

I keep having to relearn this lesson. Please god, I hope this time the lesson sticks. Quit dating! There is nothing for me.

Just a thought, from a female perspective...

Maybe she's also anxious about the possibility that things won't work out?

It's common for people to think that guys are the only ones with commitment issues, but women can be equally hesitant to become too involved too soon in a relationship, if they have had past relationships which started out very well and then soured. I think the best thing is to let her know your interest, but express your concerns about spending too much effort if your interest is unrequited. Tell her that you want to give her the space she needs to become comfortable in the relationship, but that you would also appreciate a friendly reply so that you know your attentiveness is not causing her stress or annoyance.

As for hugging, remember that a lot of people are uncomfortable with even casual contact for a variety of reasons. If you perceive that she is uncomfortable with a gesture, you might ask the next time you feel inclined: "You look like you could use a hug / I would like to give you a hug. Would that be okay?" If she says "no", you might ask if there is any other way you might help her to feel better / express friendship / show that you appreciate her company, etc. Communication is really important in the success of any relationship, and frankly, the best partner for you--and the one who will really give you the most sincere affection--will only be appreciative of your ability to talk things through, and be a good communicator (but also a respectful listener). Remember, the fact that you care shows that you are every bit worthy of the affection you desire, so don't give up on yourself! If you continue acting in ways that show you value yourself and your interests, someone else WILL take interest, and see their relationship with you as valuable.

Maybe get a cat? Sorry, my mum felt that emptiness you mention.

Touch is a very important thing. I remeber once in Bali we were hanging out in a large thatched hut/shop on a beach with all the beach massage ladies. My friend came in from the surf, and saw us all lying on the huge bamboo raised platform.

We were physically connected..... about 8 people all touching. I think I had someone's leg across mine, and I had an arm on a Balinese womans shoulder....

Culture plays a big part in this lack of touch common to westerners, with correlative dis-eases

This is why aspies get cats, and possibly toxoplasmosis

Why not just ask her? I have quit playing games with anyone. If I find myself in a situation like that, I ask the other party why? I've been told I am very direct, but in the end, it's beneficial, because people know they are getting the real version of me, and not a fake. However, we are all just speculating here. I could say she is madly in love with you but scared, or that she only likes you as a friend and is afraid to tell you, or...anything really. When in doubt...ask. I may not always get the truth from people, but at least I gave it my best shot, and if they don't like me the way I am...neeeeext. Good luck hun. x

Brianruns10 how old are you? Just trying to work out if your despair is parallel with the number of years you lived?

"I really like you as a person and I would really enjoy seeing where things lead. I hope to see you again soon."

If a guy said that to me, I would be none the wiser. Things? Lead? What things? Lead to possibly what? Unless the person is bring clear I just don't get it. I need to be told factual sentences. I like you and I would like to be romantically/physically involved with you. Is this something that you would be interested in, or possibly consider, or is it a No?" That's how I would like it to be said. I know it's not everyone's cup of tea though. Also I think you are very hung up on the idea of being loved, other than loving someone and entering a natural flow of what that relationship could lead to. You have to decide what you want. You can't force people to love you or fancy you. Be yourself, an if that person exists I am sure eventually you *will* bump into each other. x

I don't know how I could be more explicit with someone. I was afraid even that was too explicit. I can't possibly imagine how saying to any normal woman, "I like you and I would like to be romantically/physically involved with you. Is this something that you would be interested in, or possibly consider, or is it a no?"

I mean, that sounds to me like a good way to commit suicide in a growing relationship.

This girl who interests me is so terribly slow to reply to emails, and honestly it was two months between our first and second outings. I don't know what to make of it.

And to answer your question, I'm 28, but I feel twice as old. I need to find someone, because before long I'll only begin t slide downhill and become less and less desireable than I already am. Not to mention people will wonder why I've never had a girlfriend, and suspect I'm damaged goods or gay or something. I'm losing friends left and right to f*****g marriage, and I've gotta find someone for myself soon or else I'll be all alone entirely.

Brianruns10, trust me, you are NOT getting old. I don't consider myself od, or over the hill, or anything like it, and I am well older than you. I found an Aspie guy who is amazing and we are both in our forties. I was married before, it didn't work out and where did that get me? When I decided to be on my own and not chase after the idea of a "right" one for me, he finally came up. I still don't have any ideas of the future, never had and just live each day as it comes. Have you been on any dating websites?

Don't worry, Brian, you're definitely not alone in this. I'm only a few years younger than you and have had no reciprocation either, from anyone. And the older I get the less likely it'll become. I'm already having people assuming I'm gay or some kind of molester. I'm also in the same boat with wanting to give up but not being able to for one reason or another. It bites.