Time together

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Hi everyone,

I need some help and advice. I am deeply in love with an Aspie guy who I have sadly just split up with. We were only together 8 months, but felt so strongly for each other that we moved in together only 2 months ago. What has caused us to split up was the fact that every single weekend, (all weekend - and most week day nights too) he was obsessed with playing in bands of various kinds. He plays trombone. (I play clarinet and also play in bands - but not to such an obsessive degree.)

I told him how much I missed him and how lonely and neglected I was feeling and asked if it might be possible that we spend time together maybe every other Saturday or something so that I would feel less neglected, and he could then still play music, but he refused, saying that the weekend "was his most important time for quality music-making."

His background is that he was married for 5 years to an NT girl (and with her for 10). He left the marriage because he spent every night (so he says) helping her do prep for school (she was a primary school teacher). A lonely life, I imagine.
I sympathized with him, saying, "That sounds like you were taken advantage of." The trouble is, I feel in our relationship, it was me who got taken advantage of. After all, a relationship should surely not be based upon the needs of only one person?

I would welcome the views of the Aspie community on this. Do be honest (but not too blunt!) as I really want to understand why compromise felt impossible for him. He has tried to tell me that it would mean "compromising his core being." I suppose I'm just looking to understand. I am devastated that I had to leave this man, but felt so pushed away I found it difficult to take. I love him with all my heart. Thanks in advance.

I'm not sure what advice to give, except perhaps find someone else who can meet your (not unreasonable) needs. You have explained what you want, and he has said that this is not possible. Perhaps things moved too fast and he hasn't had time to adapt, but you could waste a lot of your time waiting for him to change when that is not a possibility. He has chosen his special interest ahead of you, which must hurt but it shouldn't be taken as a reflection on you.

When I first got together with my boyfriend we spent very little time together because of working long hours and never having the same days off and this suited me just fine. Now we have the weekends off together it is a nightmare and I feel like he drains all my energy just by being there and I just want to be alone. Sometimes I go for long walks just to be on my own, even though I'd much rather be in the house. I'm not sure if he feels hurt by this, I think he understands that even though I love him I need a lot of time on my own. We've managed this way for nearly 5 years and he asked me to marry him so he must feel this is a something he can live with.

That doesn't mean that you should settle for a situation where your needs are not met. Sorry if this has been too blunt.

It is impossible for him to compromise on this issue.

Music - in particular these bands he is a part of - is obviously his special interest.

Our special interests are incredibly important to us. You're asking him to set aside time for you, but what you don't realise is that if he did that - in a way he would be compromising his core of his being. Without enough time with our special interests, we get more stressed, more unable to deal with the world, the people in our lives, even basic things.

If he were to give up that time on his special interest, it would undoubtably mean that his mental and emotional wellbeing would be affected negatively quite significantly. More than likely, you would be around him when he was anything but his best, and worse - he probably would not want to deal with you since he would be stressed out and unable to function worse than usual - as well as constantly thinking aout the special interest instead of focusing on being with you. Access to the special interest is what relaxes him and allows him to concerntrate on you when he is with you. If you restrict it or take it away - you will no long have his full attention (which I expect would create another problem for you).

To understand how important a special interest is - if for some reason we cannot engage in our special interest, or cannot engage in it often enough, usually we do one of two things. The first, is that we will do almost anything to get the special interest - like a druggie with a bad addiction (this is usually what happens when time in the special interest is restricted). The second, if we are unable to get get to the special interest because the first way fails, we fall into bad depressions - sometimes to the extreme.

Whatever you do, never come between an aspie and their special interest. Especially, never ask them to choose between the two.

Your request, from an NT point of view is not unreasonable. You only see this as a hobby to engage in - nothing more.
But from an Aspie point of view, it is. Without our special interests we have great difficulty coping with the world at all - it's how we make sense of the world, or manage to tune it out completely - for once.

Are you sure you can be in a relationship like this? If you are unhappy now, that is unlikely to change, it will probably only get worse. It doesn't seem that he will be able to fulfill your needs. I think you may need to reconsider this relationship, you two may be incompatible.

Kjas, I found your post incredibly insightful. I am an NT female who just began a relationship with an Aspie man. I care for him deeply and want to establish a strong foundation for our relationship by understanding the aspie perspective. I feel that you managed to articulate a major difference between an NT and an aspie frame of mind.
My friend’s dedication to his interests was something that caught my attention from the very beginning, but I don’t feel jealous of that time at all. I admire his ability to reach such an advanced stage of expertise on a number of fascinating topics.
My question is how much time can I expect from him as a partner? Is there a healthy interest: partner time ratio I should aim for? Is asking for a weekly meeting reasonable? Or would that drain him too much? Thank you for your help.

Thanks so much for your thoughts. Kjas, you explained it really well, thank you. I think I have a lot of thinking to do. I think this may be a difficult relationship to sustain long-term for me if there can't be any compromise at all, as I feel lonely having to go constantly without him. I remember feeling lonely on weekends before, when I was single, and now I feel that all over again because he's never here. It's not why I go in to a relationship. You see, as much as he would be catapulted in to depression without his interest, I am catapulted there by neglect. It's tricky. I need maybe one day per week with him in order to feel loved. I don't want to sop him playing, exactly.

SilkySifaka: Yes, perhaps I have expected too much too soon - after all, he told me he takes a long time to let someone in, and it has only been 8 months. Also, because of my rejection issues with depression, my tendency is to feel rejected and hurt, and therefore angry when I'm pushed aside, which doesn't help! And this must give him no reassurance (I've humbly apologized to him for this.) Silky: When you say your boyfriend drains you, is that though him expecting you to be like him? Do you do things together that you both love to do? What is it he does that drains you? Can you talk to him? Prior to us splitting, we had a wonderful day together (a surprise from him!) where went went to see Top Hat in the West End, a classical guitar concert and a film all in one day. I asked him if that felt like a lot of effort to do that, and he said, "No, that was the real me." I replied the same. When I book something good for us to do together and it's already in the diary, it's lovely and it brings us close in a way being at home doesn't. It's also stimulus for him, in a good way, rather than playing online games.

A question: Would it work with my partner and I if he knew that his interest could still be the centre of him but that we diary other things for us semi-regularly? (In other words if he knew he would not be compromised?) Last night, by the way, we talked and felt close (we're still living together but are separated). I was sitting next to him and showing him this website, and I was reading a post by a girl called LoriB who really seems to understand her aspie guy. I was really impressed. He says he wants to read it, too. We both love each other and don't want to leave without both trying. Thanks all, for your thoughts. I will continue to read and think.

If you only need one day a week then perhaps you can ask him to change his schedule around instead (I'm sorry - I misunderstood and thought you meant that you wanted the entire weekend with him, or more!). Take the amount of hours he plays with the band on one day of the weekend and move them to weeknights - just spread them out over the current practise sessions instead? Would that be doable for both you and him?

I imagine you would have to bring it up in a very gentle manner as we don't like change - but it would certainly seem preferable to ending the relationship.

Diaring things may work also - certainly worth a try.

What tires us is social interaction. If you are doing an activity together - such as a movie, or rock climbing for 3 hours - that is less tiring than say - a 3 hour dinner date. During a dinner date or any thing we spend inordinate amounts of time interacting - that makes us more tired. We need to read facial expressions, body language, emotions, intellectually on top of what we usually have to think about - plus remember all the social rules and nicities - attempt to focus on what you must be thinking - and decode whatever other signals you are giving us. We must also say the right thing, act the right way, and react the right way towhatever you are saying and doing. It's a lot more work than rock climbing.
Basically - someone just being around us tires us because it does require some level of interaction - but the more we need to interact - the more tired we will be.

Silky, you are way ahead of me by even being able to live with someone. Well done to you both

Clart, I think if you love him, you need to give it more time. 8 months is nothing for us Aspies. Look at my example. I have been seeing an aspie guy (I am aspie too) for 11 months. Whereas for NT's this would probably mean you would have done a lot of things by now, for us it means we see each other once a month, sometimes twice, and he has *never* slept here. We have gone out once for drinks in the evening (I really didn't want to but he really enjoyed it) and we never talk on the phone. I would like him to sleep over one day, but it stresses me so much, that I need to mentally prepare myself and sort of make a list of all the things I would need and have to do to accommodate a "stranger" in my house (we love lists). I say stranger because this is not where he lives therefore for me it's not part of my routine and it causes me a lot of anxiety. Anything that breaks our routines normally is. So, that may be why your bf shows no flexibility. The best way to approach this is slowly and lovingly. You need a lot of patience. If you don't have it, or you think he is not worth it, then stay apart. What you are experiencing though, is a normal reaction to being involved with an aspie. We don't like demands, stress, and we need our space and our hobbies to just survive in a world that is not built for us.

I like the thought of having my bf in my bed and feeling the warmth of his body on mine. It's the whole other palaver to get to that point, and after, that worries me. Your bf probably wouldn't mind spending one day of the weekend with you too, but it's breaking that routine, coupled with the fact he is doing something he loves, that is the problem. ike I said, it's been 11 months for us, and weekends? No way. Weekends are for recharging batteries and preparing for the week ahead

I hope this helped and not confused. Ask away, if you have any more questions, and good luck!

Kjas, thanks again for your thoughts on this. The re-diarying might be tricky as basically his 'set' nights for rehearsing with the bands he's in are Mon and Thurs, and often these bands have gigs on a weekend, which either tends to be a Sat or a Sun. That I can live with. What is hard on the NT partner is the extra playing he takes on, deputizing for players in all the other bands. He never knows whether a gig will come in or not at the weekend, so it's hard to plan around that, but he's busy every weekend at the moment, both days. So the playing days aren't set apart from the Mon and Thurs. If I diary something for us, however, then that does seem to work.

Your points on social interaction are really true. One thing that's great about us as a couple is that when we do get together, we love many of the same things - theatre, playing, meals out, concerts etc - and we're both better connecting with each other when doing an activity together than interacting, which is excellent. On the Saturday we spent together, there were a few small times he needed to 'zone out a bit' by playing the slot machines in the pub but I didn't mind in the slightest.
I think ultimately I just want to be needed, loved and wanted by someone - but not just anyone - someone with his qualities.

Silky, that's really interesting that you feel drained by him just being there. You mean it's hard to just be yourself when you're with him? Is it that he expects you to be a certain way? Or is it that you need mental stimulus as social interaction isn't as satisfying or too hard? I know for my AS partner, just being with me is not enough - he would need mental stimulation/activity of some kind (he has a very good mind!)

aspiesandre27, Yes, I think you're right there in him needing more time. Funny thing is, he was quite eager to see me a lot from the word go (as much as his bands, anyway!) which is a big compliment, so he's never been cagey about taking a long time to get to the moving in point or the point where we slept together or whatever, which is nice. I personally believe he is only slightly aspie and his potential to settle down with the right partner is huge. I really hope we can make it work.

By the way, I really love reading everyone's posts here - you guys are so helpful and nice! It gives me such insight. Thanks so much.

Silky, it feels as if you are my twin! It sort of gives me hope in a way, because I am adamant I wouldn't be able to live with anyone, for those same reasons. The breathing, the chewing, the feedback that is expected, and in contrast how accommodated I have become living on my own, and yes just played the same song all morning and expect to continue all day, and how that would have to change if I co-habit with anyone again.

I just don't know how you do it.

Silky, it really gives me so much insight in to how you must feel. Really good post. It's really sweet that you both make the effort for each other. Philosophical question: do you think that if you were just 100% yourself with him, without any niceties, and he loved you just the same anyway, do you think the fidgeting and so on would lessen? Just an interesting thought. It does sound like you've found your soul-mate, so congratulations! You sound like you work well together

Awwww Silky, thank you so much for your input. I had never thought about it that way. Yes, must be about finding the right person. I should broaden my horizons, this was something my CBT therapist had told me, and I had forgotten. I assume that because I have so many particularities, I will be out of bounds for "everyone". But I guess all I need is someone who understands me and whom I also understand, and then work round all our issues.My marriage was a disaster, I was 22 and stayed in it for 11 years because I felt extremely guilty and wasn't aware I had AS so didn't know how to work on myself. Then, I lived briefly with a woman, and that was terrible too. Now, I am on my own, happy to be on my own, but met someone whom I thought would just be a fling and I have developed feelings for him. It's very complicated, he has AS too and he doesn't like that I have feelings for him (his actions show different to his words though). So, once again, and this time without the co-habiting problems, I find myself in a situation I want to get out of, but for the opposite reasons of before. This makes me depressed and consequently makes my life much harder. I wish I had the courage to end it with him, but am scared I wouldn't cope emotionally and I know I just can't muster the bravery.

Thank you Silky.