NT female needs advice about aspie relationship

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I want to stress Kjas' point about verbal or written communication instructions. I would concentrate so hard on trying to read body language that I sometimes get them all mixed up and get that deer in the headlights moment. Which usually follows with me derailing the conversation and running away.

Stalk, I'm so bad with body language, I could say I have no such skills.

Picking up on what Kjas said, about exposing ourselves, this can't be emphasised enough. It's one of the things that NT's just don't get. I often get the comment "Oh it's hard for *everyone* we all get stressed". This, makes an already overloaded mind go absolutely ballistic. I either walk out (not before spewing profanities, wherever I am), or if I can't walk out, then I will cover my ears and cry with frustration and rage. As an example, I have just come back home from my weekly food shopping. I work all week, so have to do this on a Saturday. It's absolute hell. The sounds (I wear headphones but nonetheless..) the people that stand too close or touch you in anyway, the smells...I have so many sensory issues, I doubt anyone understands how it really feels. I hate to proselytise but the last thing I need is anyone to talk to me, let alone belittle my emotions, when they know nothing about how it feels.

any form of rejection hurts, so have a quick follow up of something to offset it. like "you dont need to help me with this if you really dont have time, but if you wanted to hang out for coffee i will be free at X on Xday". im sure you can enhance the concept to work if thats the direction you go in.



i personally love when someone tells me whats on their mind. it dosnt have to be expressing an action, but a general idea. "i want you now" would make me question why. am i wearing the right clothes, is she horny this time of the month, was it because i cooked and she feels that she owes me, and the list can go on forever. but if she said "i like you and want to take it to the next step" it leaves room for a conversation, and time to clarify all emotions that are on my mind. it also gives him the power to say that he is simply not ready, although you then have to be ready to handle how he says hes not ready (cause it might be blunt or cryptic)

talking about thoughts is always a good thing in my book. and if they are bad thoughts (like i want to leave you) its best they are upfront about the warning signs instead of just stating the ultimatum when its too late.

ManicDan...you turn me on.

Lol, jk. Thought I'd be blunt, and tell you what was on my mind.

if you weren't 5000 miles away id take you out too. but good luck finding a book on how to date someone whos half aspie and half NT

"good luck finding a book on how to date someone whos half aspie and half NT"

What do you mean with this?

i know your always looking for a dating book, and my diagnosis is that i dont have enough symptoms or severe enough symptoms to be classified as an aspie.
so they instead gave me a PDD-NOS diagnosis, which is actually classified as being more severe than AS, only because its a catch-all bucket and thus falls between AS and autism

i need to fill out my signature with the test results when i get a little time on my home pc later.

That just makes you more interesting.

Kjas and aspiesandra, thank you so much, ladies.

I spent the last few hours jotting down notes based on your posts and coming up with a series of strategies that I hope will make this thing easier. I guess, I am at least getting the making lists thing down.

I few more practical questions occurred to me and I would appreciate your insight.

Is email communication as draining as in person-interaction? His emails are rare and quite formal, which at the beginning confused me. We would go out for a coffee, had an amazing conversation, and after a few days of silence (I guess he was recovering after running away, which I understand now) I would get an email about a work-related project, which did not even mention the great time we had over coffee. The closing lines of the email nearly always followed a formulaic “take care and I hope to see you soon” which I found cordial but rather disappointing. I thought that emails would present a perfect opportunity for him to indicate his feelings since he could take his time to draft an appropriate message. I think that I may be missing something.

Another related issue—how do I know if he considers these meetings dates? He always insists on paying and nudges me towards the counter to pick something in addition to coffee. I rather like this old-fashioned gentlemanly approach but we never discussed what those weekly coffee meetings really are. They simply became a part of our weekly routine by now. A few posts on this forum suggest that some male aspies simply equate paying for food (and he is adamnat about it) with the meeting being a date. I cannot imagine another reason why he never let's me "take us out." How do you know you are on a date with an aspie,? Also, do aspie relationships progress in some way that I should be aware of? What is the next stage here?

I think it was aspiesandra27 who mentioned that she finds seeing someone once a month completely sufficient. BY NT standards I am considered rather reserved and far from clingy so it will not be difficult for me to readjust my expectations about what is considered appropriate frequency of meetings/communication.

And Stalk, a very useful point on the body language. Would keeping my body language to minimum help? It occurred to me that less facial expressions and gestures on my part would help him to focus on my words since there would be nothing physical to distract him.

Once again, thank you for all our help. I find your perspective incredibly comforting -- I am realizing that he is an extraordinarily affectionate person trying to communicate in a way that is often misinterpreted or missed by others.

And no, there will be no “jumping” him unless he explicitly asks about it and even then I will clarify to make sure that he is aware of what that entails.

i cant help much with the sensory aspect, but emailing i know alot about

the emails being very formal could simply be habits. or he is trying to be perfect even in a casual sense so that you dont use grammar or typos as a reason to not like him (believe me these are things i think about when email girls). heres how i breakdown communication:

Email: i get plenty of time to correct every little detail and triple read through to make sure it flows properly. this does take a LONG time (i mean an hour for 200-300 words)

Texting: i still get the time to check my grammar, but its shorter. the only known information is how long it took to reply. i can feel fully engaged and even emotionally engaged from chatting via text.

Messenger: you can now see if someone is typing and know how long it takes to reply. i use that to determine if they really are there and how much thought they put into the conversation. although interest is typically unknown.

Phone: now i have to deal with my talking speed, volume, having something ready to talk about to avoid silences while also not going on forever about something only i care about. i really hate talking on the phone because i cannot see them to try and gauge any form of interest. the girl on the other side would need to maintain the pace of the conversation for me to get any enjoyment out of it.

finally, Meetings: theres no hiding anything here, so i have to think about everything from the talking aspect, but add having to watch my own body language. but i actually prefer this to the phone by 100 to 1, yet i still have to feel comfortable around them, which is why i prefer email communication or texting over all of them in the first few weeks. unless i knew them from other things like coworkers would.

btw you have put in more effort to understand this guy in a week than any of my girlfriend have in total combined. and thats really awesome of you and i wish you the best luck!

I don't think you should limit your body language, instead you should rather add verbal communication to it. To make things clear. Personally, I cannot read between the lines. I can learn from the combination of verbal and body language. I will understand body language of that specific person later onwards, because of the verbal instruction.

on e-mail, I have always been formal when using my work e-mail address, because all e-mails are archived (depends on country, usually a minimum of 5 years) and can be used in the court of law. I always use my personal e-mail to other personal addresses for non-work related issues. Up to you if you want to change. I'm only suggesting why he possibly could stick to formality using work e-mails.

Stalk—that makes sense. Thank you for pointing it out; I will try to harmonize my nonverbal cues with excplicit verbal messages so he can learn to recognize them.

ManicDan, thank you. I hope that you will find someone who will embrace you for who you are because unconditional acceptance and love is something that many NTs are capable of if they chose. I also credit my age—mid-30s—with my willingness to fight for this relationship. I think that a decade ago I simply did not have the patience and the focus to appreciate someone like him. It also helps that I am from another country and don’t subscribe to many tenants of American culture.

However, all this research may be backfiring a little. I am drafting a response to his email and I cannot decide whether he may misinterpret something seemingly as straightforward as “I really miss you” or for example if I say it to him --will it send him into an overload due to potentially conflicting non-verabl messages.

As Kjas recommended I am really trying to drop the NT expectations and judgments, which means learning to expect the unexpected. I can tell that it will be a long journey but he is definitely worth every mile.

maybe try more simple direct stuff, like "i really enjoy our conversations about X". he should be really happy hearing that and maybe it will warm him up to you.

Or why you miss him. Because if someone tells me they miss me I don't understand. Do they miss my cooking? The sound of my voice? My smell? My hair? What? There are a million potential things, I start wondering what it is and it drives me potty. There is also the possibility that if you say that, he might think you are being too clingy and would want to be with him all the time. Depends on him really. I get NT's that say that to me, my own Mother included, and I just don't get it. She hasn't seen me in 5 years but we do talk on the phone (which I don't like so she should realise it's a big deal for me) so she has no reason for missing me because I am still here.

Aspiesandra and ManicDan, this is really eye-opening -- I can actually see how these seemingly obvious and taken-for granted phrases can cause a great deal of confusion to someone who thinks critically about them. What I miss about him?—Conversations and his sense of humor. I was chatted up by a man in a cafe today—nearly died of boredom.
But that brings another issue—after functioning in a world largely and perhaps unfairly structured around NT norms, don’t Aspie learn the meaning behind certain phrases, especially those such as “I miss you” or “I want you” which are meant to convey affection? A huge thread in this forum after all suggest that aspies know the meaning of missing someone.
Also, a perhaps a nuts question—but would you consider not hugging a person if you found the fabric or a color he/she was wearing particularly unpleasant. I am ripping through my closet in case if you are wondering...

Yes, but despite being aware that NT's say stuff like that, that they generalise things, it still doesn't make sense to us. We are very specific and need that in return to understand. What happens with me, if, that if someone tells me they miss me, and doesn't tell me why, I just switch off and they could be telling me they went to the grocery to buy onions. For me, they are rendering the message in the same way. Whereas, if you tell me you went to buy onions because you are going to make me my favourite onion soup, then I can understand why you told me you went to buy onions. I hope this analogy helps. I do tell my bf I miss him too. But I told him once why I miss him, that it's because I like his smell and his touch, so when I say it, he knows that at that particular time, that's what I am missing. If I was to miss something else ore specific, I would mention it. Or perhaps be more specific and say, I am taking a walk in the park, I miss you right now because I wish you were here holding my hand and we could appreciate this beauty together (he likes walks and nature as I do).

As for hugging, I am OK with hugs as long as they are proper strong hugs. Colours wouldn't bother me, but smell would, as would do certain fabrics. Hugs from a bf....well, I could live on those