NT Woman (31) Smitten with AS Guy (32) -- Did I Screw Up?

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Hey everyone. Brand new here, and I have a feeling this forum is going to be a godsend.

Awhile back, I met a guy, and quickly became very smitten. I noticed right away he was very "different." So literal, didn't seem to pick up on ANY of my hints... and I'm sure you can guess the other things I found confusing or frustrating. But there was certainly a fascinating connection and things moved along in a very sort of... lurch-y way, so I just figured he was awkward and shy and needed patience.

About five weeks ago, I described him as "sort of Asperger's" out of nowhere to someone. It just came out of my mouth. I hadn't thought about it, but from what little I knew about AS it made sense. And I didn't think about it again.

Well, we ended up becoming sexually involved last month. But around the same time, he took on a huge obsession with his work that leads to him "shutting down" to the outside world for days or weeks at a time. That quickly became very difficult, very painful for me. When I flat-out asked him (twice) he would be clear about what he wants (not ready to get into a serious relationship, which is fine), but wouldn't give me any hint about what he FELT... and that's what was making me so insecure. I couldn't understand if he even liked me, when he'd never paid me a single compliment. It was incredibly stressful and unhappy. And was up until tonight.

Well, tonight, thanks to a conversation with a friend who has a BF with AS, I suddenly realized I needed to investigate that angle. And I found a blog post at AspieWeb dot net (I can't link as it's my first post: the post is called Aspergers Can't Love). I read the comments and it just blew my mind. It's completely him. All the misunderstandings between NT and AS people, the reactions to certain things I do, just his unusual behaviour patterns, all of it... it's EXACTLY the frustrations I've been having with him, EXACTLY his reactions, EXACTLY his behaviours.

Reading that felt like a light going off for me completely. I now see exactly where my misunderstanding of him triggered my own insecurities. And I've spent hours and hours now browsing AS forums and blogs and honestly, I've been alternating between laughing and crying because EVERYTHING I've gone through with him makes sense.

I have no idea if he's ever been diagnosed or considers himself AS or even knows about it. He has told me he always felt "different" and had trouble relating to people, and that he's lost a lot of friends over how he sort of gets into an obsession (usually work) and ignores the world.

Anyway, here's my questions for all you folks with AS and/or NTs in a successful relationship with AS folks:

I really like this guy. I dig him. And honestly, as much as the last two months have been hard as hell, a lot of that was because of the misunderstandings. I want him in my life, in whatever way works. I'm want to put in the time and effort and patience on my end to understand him.

My fear is that it's sort of... too late? That maybe we got off on the wrong foot, since there was several points in the last month where I sort of tried to pin him down on how he felt about us. I tried to be really cool about it, but reading more about AS I now suspect that for HIM it came across as a lot of pressure, and at a time when he's sort of shutting down to the world.

Honestly, I don't care about rushing him or anything like that. I don't need a "long-term commitment" or anything. The only reason I pushed him on the topic of "us" in the first place was because I was feeling SO insecure with him, in terms of taking a lot of the stuff he did personally ("he's not texting me because he hates me" / "oh he texted me MIXED MESSAGES" etc.).

But now that I had this complete epiphany that some of his "stuff" wasn't personal about me, I wish I could take it all back. I really hope I didn't wreck anything where it can't be salvaged. But the last thing I can do right now is ask him, I think he's about at his limit in the last few weeks of how much he can be asked about on that end.

So my question is: what's the best way for me to go forward to heal up any damage? He's been relatively incommunicado this week so far, though that can change unexpectedly (I know). All I want to show him is that I'm good. That I'm just chill being patient and working with how he works -- that I just want him in my life as he is, no pressure intended.

So do I just back off, stop texting him and let him come to me, no matter how long it may be? Just give him all the space and time not to think / worry about me at all?

Or do I just be chill and try to be consistent, and ask him to hang out this weekend even knowing he'll likely say he can't -- at the very least so that he knows I'm still here, still cool and not going anywhere?

Obviously none of you are him and I understand that, but hearing from folks with AS and/or people who've navigated this sort of misunderstanding situation early in being intimate with someone with AS would be really valuable to help me understand what may be the most caring or thoughtful way I can approach him right now -- or not approach him, as the case may be.

Yep. That way you will know whether he's interested in you.


This is a well worn path trod by NT (neuro typical) women pursuing AT men resulting in lopsided relationships.

That's basically my fear, in my head at least it leads to a power dynamic I don't like, but then I realize I'm also projecting things onto it he probably isn't. Also, the first time I asked him about what was up and he explained "how he is," I asked him flat-out how I should be, and if I should give him space. He looked surprised and said "just be yourself." So I guess that's what gives me pause about just dropping contact on my end completely.

Hi MooninPetra.

I am an AS woman, and I have had a relationship with an AS guy. I totally understand how you feel. I guess with AS women, it is easier to understand that need for solitude, because we crave, and need it ourselves. From my own perspective, I would suggest you don't go in guns blazing, but a gentle approach. I am an advocate for truth. For communication. As long as you both are honest with each other, and work on what you think you can tolerate, then nothing is impossible. The code word with being in a relationship with an Aspie is "patience". You need lots of it. I have recommended a book previously, to someone else in your (similar) situation, and I think all NT women who are, or want to be in a relationship with an Aspie man should read. "Asperger Syndrome, a Love Story". By Sarah Hendrickx and Keith Newton. You wont regret it. I have read a *lot* of books on AS, and this is a great one. Good luck

Hi. I am an NT with an Aspie male for over a year now. You seem to be getting good advise on here so I will just say this: If you ever want to chat just private message me. This forum definitely saved my relationship!

Thanks so much for the welcome and advice folks. Mostly I just want to figure out what's "normal" with this, and how to maintain that. I mean it's been three months of getting to know each other more in various ways, and in that time I've just seen so many different types of interaction. None of it seems to make a difference to him, but obviously it threw me off. So I find myself clueless now about stuff like... how to handle just expressing that I'd like to see him? I don't know.

Like you, I am an NT woman who is crazy about an aspie guy. I, however, have not yet progressed to the dating/romance stage, although I would very much like to. When I was unsure of how to proceed or react, I sent a private message to an aspie guy on this board. And so far, his advice has been right on the nose and he helped me to see things from the aspie pov and not jump the gun, as I have a tendancy to do. So you might try sending a PM to one of the guys. It really helps to have their perspective.

Haha, well, neither have I really. As I understand the current situation, he doesn't feel ready to "date" with how focused he is on other stuff, so right now I guess we're sort of like... friends with benefits? Unpredictable friends with benefits. And that's okay for me -- I don't need a label and I don't need a serious relationship -- I just want to understand how to navigate the waters a bit.

God this post about made me weep. To have someone in my life who felt that way about me...if it were me, I would never take you for granted, or leave you feeling hurt like this.

Sit him down, talk to him, In frank, clear terms he'll understand. Talk it out, figure things out and come up with some kind of game plan so that everyone is on the same page. Sure, I'd mention the AS. Maybe he's hiding it from shame. I hide my AS from everyone because most people are ignorant idiots who'll just assume I'm mentally ill or Rainman or something. But if someone honestly approached me with genuine good will and understanding I would open up to them. Maybe that's what he yearns and feels unable because he fears you won't accept him. Bring it up, it can't make things much worse than they already are.

And if he denies it,then you've got a more serious problem, because from the sounds of it, I think this guy is on the spectrum, and people in denial, who won't acknowledge how their behavior and their unwillingness to address it are negatively impacting others, are far more difficult to save.

He needs to recognize what he has been blessed with: you! He should thank god he has someone like you, because not a lot of us do. And if he doesn't see that, and appreciate you for it, he deserves to be alone, and you deserve someone who'll respect you and honor you.

But all this should end with a disclaimer: I've never had a girlfriend, never had more than two dates with a woman, so I could be giving the worst advice. Because I simply don't know, apart from that I'm a born loser.

Wow, all these NT women that love Aspie guys, coming out of the woodwork. It's quite encouraging.

Shame none of these NT women are coming my way.

OP. I am going to send you something in your inbox. It is about someone I was seeing for two-three months with the no exclusivity and FWB clause in it. Details will be alluded to obsessive behaviours, depressive episodes, emotional shutdowns and meltdowns because I experienced all of it in the two month period.

Not sure what to tell you. Yes we Aspies tend to get into intense, all-encompassing obsessions. It's rather common for these obsessions to be in the form of another person, which is rather universally terrifying to NTs and fellow Aspies alike. Maybe you'd rather he be that way with you, but trust me, if he was, you would want to run far, far away.

Basically, either you will be able to accept him as he is, or not.

Welcome to the forums!

A question, if I may ask. How does he show you that he loves you? I ask this as much out of curiosity as anything, because you say you don't know how he feels about you, or whether he even likes you. Is that because he doesn't go round saying, "I love you" or complimenting you, or more because the things he does to show you he loves you are not the things you would normally associate with love? I'm not trying to pry here, just as an aspie it might help me to understand your point of view a bit better.

And now to answer your question...I don't think it's too late, but you need to give him some space. Sorry, but you may have to sit this one out until he's done. I've never been obsessive about my job before, but the intensity of my interest in certain things varies over time, so if he's like me, he won't be distant forever. Don't push him, though. You remind me a bit of my boss who, about a week after hiring me, found out I had Asperger's and took me aside to ask if there was anything he could do to help. I found it really hard to persuade him that, at least for the time being, I was fine and I'd let him know if I needed assistance. He was so eager to help! Of course, over time there have been moments where he's had to explain things in a way that I understand due to social faux pas and difficulty seening how I come across to my colleagues, but if he'd continued to bug me about it I'd have wanted to run.

If you think about it, answering the question "How do you feel about me?" is quite complicated. First, you have to determine what your own feelings are. What if you don't feel anything? You can't say, "I don't feel anything" because then people get upset, but you can't make up feelings because that would be dishonest, and you'd be lying. Also, just because you think you don't feel anything doesn't mean that you don't actually feel anything, because feelings can ge buried, so that adds a whole new layer of complexity. Then you have to articulate an answer of sorts. The reply, "I don't feel anything right now but that doesn't mean I don't have feelings for you or won't in the future" is hardly satisfactory. Finally, you have to hope for the best that you got everything right and they interpreted your answer in the way that you'd hoped. If they don't, now you're really stuck because at that point people become irrational and do or say things which don't make sense. Worse, they usually can't articulate what it was you got wrong, and aren't interested in your explanations and clarifications. You hurt them and that's all that matters to them. That sort of thing can be very off-putting and make aspies wary of answering similar questions in future. Perhaps a better way of handling it is simply to be more precise in the kind of answer you want and the way you phrase the question, so instead of "How do you feel about me?" which is hard, you could ask, "Why do you like me more than a friend?" which can be answered with a straightforward list of reasons (You're pretty; I like the way you read poetry; you make me feel happy when you walk in the room; I can be myself with you; etc).

Finally, when things go wrong and you've had some time to cool off, don't be afraid to explain why things are so or how he could've handled his side of the situation better next time. I can only speak for myself, but when I say things which are a bit upsetting it's usually not malicious, but rather there's some social convention I'm not aware of, or I haven't considered other interpretations of what I said. In those situations, all I need is to understand your point of view and why it is the case in a way that makes sense to me, and then I'll file that info away and the misunderstanding won't happen again. Good luck!

Patience and space,
don't worry that he is all over the place.

0.02 from an aspie

Every aspie is still human, thus potentially different from other aspie men here including myself!

We can offer advice for what would work for us, but ultimately - you know him best. Go with your gut!

I would like it if someone made their interest known to me... but on the light side, not heavy-handed and intense. I'd be a little freaked out if someone came up to me with eyes like saucers and breathed, "I WILL LOVE YOU UNTIL YOU *DIE*! !"


If someone said, "I think you're handsome and fun to be with - can we do more things together?" well - I'd be one happy camper.

Well, I don't think he DOES love me, that would be ridiculous -- we're not even formally dating, we've only known each other at all since about August, we've hung out fewer than 10 times in person due to his schedule and desire for space. My problem is I can't really even tell if he LIKES me, because the normal "cues" that I would look for aren't there and the long silences while he was in sort of shutdown mode made me feel completely unwanted. But I've learned that's really common.

I mean I suppose he's physically attracted to me, because that much is obvious. But beyond that, I don't know. And I think I've already pushed him too much to ask again any time soon. So I just want different opinions on how to proceed.



Well, I definitely do accept him as he is, I hope I made that clear!

What I'm trying to get some guidance on is how I can look to adapt how I communicate and/or behave right now. I mean typically I'd have cut a guy off and run far, far away if he pulled some of this stuff on me, since I would feel it was very personally disrespectful and/or cruel.

However, since I understand that it's not that way with this guy -- he's not trying to hurt me, he's just wrapped up in his own experience -- I'm willing to have patience. I feel like he's worth being patient for. I just don't know how to be, really, since I've never found myself in this situation before.