I got a date but I think I might have messed up already

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A guy a went to college with a few years ago started speaking to me on face book messenger last week. He asked me out on a date for next week which I was suprised about as I never thought he liked me before. So I agreed and he asked for my number and gave his to me.

It was ok up to that point but then he started texting me a lot of times each day which I am not used to. I felt a bit overwhelmed by it so didn't reply to some but he still carried on. Then he text me last night saying he had decided that on our date we should agree not to talk about any problems. He put "OK?" at the end of the text so I took it that I should respond by answering whether I agreed to that or not.

The problem was I didn't agree. Not because i want to talk about problems but because I don't want to have agreed to not mention them then be extra nervous and having to double check myself in case I did mention any by mistake. I have a hard enough time trying to work out what to say in social situations as it is, without there being any extra restrictions to worry about.

So after thinking on it a while I just replied with "I don't agree" and then because I was tired and getting stressed out and needed a break from this social interaction, I switched off my phone and went to sleep. This morning he has sent me a message on face book saying Maybe we should just call it off then.

Am I right in thinking I have messed this up already? and it didn't even get as far as the date

Well, I would've said something less drastic like "Why not mention problems?" or "We can try."

Not that it would've helped. A guy contacting you a lot when a date is already arranged for the near future and you two aren't close sounds like someone not very centered, at least currently, so probably it's good riddance. I wouldn't even bother answering his last text. He sounds like someone on the rebound and desperate to evade coping with the grief and loneliness and problems in general. He needs you in a very specific role, and that's not conducive to a nice relationship.

Yeh I am quite sure my reply was wrong but I was tired from keeping up to all the other replies and not really thinking about the consequences.

What would you say contacting too much is? Is 5 text messages a day too many, because it feels that way to me. Usually I will text people 2-3 times a month at most.

I have known this person for about 4 years and spoke a few times before but usually with lots of break in between which was ok. I'm not used to talking to people everyday as I find it too exhausting, and end up getting angry if people don't leave me alone, then I say the wrong things. Just like I think I have now.

[Moved from General Autism to Love and Dating]

There's no reason to contact you until the date at all, and it's not the done thing either. Let alone 5 texts a day, then tell you it's his way or the highway. All very unpleasant.

For me personally, it'd be good riddance because consideration for my feelings is number 1 for me.

Texting is a lousy way to communicate IMO. It's fine for stuff like, "What do you want for dinner," or "How you doing," or "You planning to call today?"

Simple stuff is fine, but to me if you want to discuss more in depth things, email or calling (if you need an immediate response) is much better.

Too much can be misinterpreted with texting. Messages are too short, and are too often interpreted as blunt or uncaring. If I got a text that said nothing more than "I don't agree," I might answer the same way, but it doesn't mean you did anything wrong. You were being honest.

If he had a real problem with it, he should have just called and asked, "Okay, what's up?"

It sounds like your two communication styles are so different you may not be all that compatible anyway. He sounds a bit clingy to me. Maybe not clingy to somebody else, but I mean clingy in comparison to what you really want. Someone who can leave you be and wait until your ready to talk.

The only way I know of to deal with that is just let it go. Move on and talk with him when you're ready to. If that's not good enough for him, you two are probably not right for each other. If it doesn't bother him, maybe there's hope. The worst thing you can do is dwell on it and endlessly second guess yourself.

Just be you, and it that works for him, good. If it doesn't, that's good too, because you haven't hooked up with someone that's wrong for you.

'I got a date but I think I might have messed up already'

Classic.
thats why they invented the diagnoses of aspergers syndrome
welcome to the club

dorfin, I see absolutely nothing wrong with your response. His, *almost* demand, that you don't talk about problems, restricting the theme of any possible conversation, that could possibly naturally flow. That would annoy me too. How dare he?

talking makes little difference with some people

I think it was the way it was almost like a demand- the text started 'I have decided....' that did annoy me. and it was after getting disturbed 5 times already that day. and also being really exhausted cos I am really stressed by a lot of stuff right now- which he does know because he already asked me all about- and I think this is the stuff i wouldn't be allowed to talk about again, but it is nearly all I am (obsessively) thinking about just now.

Thinking through it more today though I think that he doesn't really get what the problems i have are or see how bad they affect me because previously he has said ways that I could easily fix them that just don't work for me, but then he says I'm not thinking positively about it and it won't fix if I don't. Sometimes it is like he thinks I could just be cured if I did some simple stuff like he says, when I know that just won't work. Also I thought he might understand how difficult i find social interactions, but I guess from the texting stuff then maybe he doesn't.

sorry if this doesn't make much sense I can't really think straight tonight, I had a bad day and just failed two more college modules again.

dorfin it does make sense . Sometimes it would be nice just to hear someone say "I am here, you can talk to me about anything you wish, and I will listen".

Simple, huh?

Hugs.

The way you describe his interaction is very unusual. As was mentioned, he doesn't sound very centered. He's clinging to you for some reason, all the while not respecting your boundaries with constant texts and demands for when you actually meet. Sounds like he's trying to stuff something down and you're the one going to help him do it. Sounds like a rebound if you ask me.

I would keep my expectations in check if you decide to continue your interactions.

Looks like I judged this whole situation wrong then and it is obvious for everyone else to see it except me. This always happens to me, its all so confusing.

I need help with one more thing though. The last text he sent me said "Maybe we should just call it off then" I never replied to it and he didn't send anymore after for 2 days now. But does that mean we are still going on the date next week or it is not happening now? to me that text doesn't definitely say its cancelled, but should I be reading it differently too?

If its not happening I am angry now because I already booked the babysitter and paid for it too. But I was also worried about it and what I needed to say so I would be relieved it was cancelled too. I do need to know for sure, should I text him to ask or will that be the wrong thing to say as well?

???

Maybe he really likes her and enjoys talking to her? Most of the people I know how date talk to each other a lot. It's not

Would you like to go on a date?

Yes.

-Radio Silence until the date-


In terms of the not talking about problems, maybe he just wants to get to know you and the date not be a therapy session.

Yes, maybe. Anything is possible. He could be having a bad day, a bad moment...anything. I, on the other hand, wouldn't dream of saying that to anyone before a date, so, in return I would expect the same principle. If there is going to be a restriction on the themed subjects, that are allowed for debate, then he is better off going to a soiree. They are big over here in some of the upper class circles.

I think *he* messed things up.