Past experiences with girlfriends -

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nessa238
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10 Dec 2012, 10:15 am

abyssquick wrote:

I can "read" people by complex behavior patterns. I make a point of being social so I can get better at it - it's really hard to see my oddness these days.

I don't want to mix with people full stop as they are far too judgemental and negative towards me most of the time to the extent I can easily hate people if I put my mind to it! They have given me serious mental health issues

I endeavour not to turn into a mass murderer out of Christian consideration for humankind, not out of any good feelings towards most of them!

abyssquick
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10 Dec 2012, 10:24 am

nessa238 wrote:

abyssquick wrote:

I can "read" people by complex behavior patterns. I make a point of being social so I can get better at it - it's really hard to see my oddness these days.

I understand - I do oscillate there. People are insufferably callous, stupid, and vulgar. I don't think it's my root any longer. I have spent years and years essentially by myself, avoiding contact with people. Socialization is a recent effort for me - the last 4 years. It's only become "worth it" for about 2.

nessa238
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10 Dec 2012, 10:30 am

abyssquick wrote:

nessa238 wrote:

abyssquick wrote:

I can "read" people by complex behavior patterns. I make a point of being social so I can get better at it - it's really hard to see my oddness these days.

I get a lack of respect from other people on first sight and have to 'earn' their respect if i can be bothered to try whereas in my opinion most people get respect by default as a given and then the other person's respect either increases or decrease as time goes on.

It's this lack of respect from the word go that I will never fully come to terms with. I seem unable to accept my position in life; I'm in denial about it and would rather avoid people than have it play out in front of me endlessly!

I have a few people who show me respect but in day to day life most people treat me as 'lesser' than them and I refuse to accept this assessment of me.

mds_02
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10 Dec 2012, 10:35 am

nessa238 wrote:

No, I'd say because people are often really disrespectful and judgemental towards me, this is what I'm used to and hence I've been able to use my aspie systemising and analytical skills to classify what all the different permutations of looks mean in terms of what a person is like
ie I've developed a good system that equates facial expressions/behaviour/type of language used with character type.

I'd say that I do have very high expectations for the behaviour of other people but my bad experiences have made me develop a zero-tolerance approach to disrespectful people due to all the mental trauma they have caused me hence it's a self-defence thing to cut disrespect shown down to an unavoidable minimum.

Fair enough. But can you accept the possibility that not everyone is able to do that, that for some it may require more time, may require actual time spent with the person in question, to be able to figure their personality out?

I'm with you on the zero tolerance for disrespect thing. I'm just saying that sometimes it takes being treated with disrespect before you can recognize the person for what they are. And sometimes the disrespect isn't noticed until it builds to ridiculous levels.

I agree that sometimes a pretty face can blind you to the crappiness of the person that lives behind it. I've fallen for that too many times myself. But attractiveness is no guarantee that the person will be crappy. And not being "conventionally" good-looking is no guarantee that they'll be a decent person. Besides which, how hurtful would it be to hear from a partner "I figured you'd be nicer because you're not as pretty as the girls I usually go for." Of course I'd never say that out loud, even if it were true. But I'd never want it to be true either. Thinking that way about my partner sounds awful.

Having very narrow standards of attractiveness limits a person's opportunities. With fewer people to choose from, they're less likely to find someone good for them. At the same time they do neither themselves, nor their partners, any favors by choosing people they are not attracted to.

mds_02
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10 Dec 2012, 10:53 am

nessa238 wrote:

It's this lack of respect from the word go that I will never fully come to terms with. I seem unable to accept my position in life; I'm in denial about it and would rather avoid people than have it play out in front of me endlessly!

I can relate to this somewhat. I have this image in my head of myself. Or, rather, who I'd like to be. How I'd like people to see me. But, at a certain point, I gave up on trying to become that person. Retreating from the world became easier than having it constantly shoved in my face that I'd never be that guy.

Interaction with others became mostly just a reminder of what was missing from my interactions with others. Trying to connect with others, the way most people seem able to do instinctively, became a constant reminder of just how disconnected I am. It's ever so much easier to just avoid them.

The only thing is, it's hard for me to see the rest of humanity as being at fault. I see people being warm and kind and friendly and respectful to each other. Not all the time, certainly. But enough. I know they're capable of it. So, if I'm never the recipient of these positive behaviors, the only conlusion I can come to is that there is something wrong with me.

nessa238
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10 Dec 2012, 11:11 am

mds_02 wrote:

nessa238 wrote:

Yes I totally understand most people have far less skill in this as they are getting a respectful attitude to start with and the person is masking their essential nastiness with a persona for the benefit of people they like and want to impress.

It never ceases to amaze me how a person usually has to experience bad behaviour off another person themself before they will think badly of a person who had been ok to them before. No matter how much you try and tell them this person is no good, look how they treat me! they won't tend to take it in as they haven't experienced it personally.

My longest term partner said to me that he liked me more for my personality than how I looked. He liked how I looked but my personality was what he liked most. At first I felt offended at this but thinking about it I realised it's more of a compliment to me as a person.

nessa238
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10 Dec 2012, 11:17 am

mds_02 wrote:

nessa238 wrote:

I was a relatively attractive child and then seemed to lose my cuteness at adolescence and peoples' behaviour towards me from then on got nasty.

So in my head I feel essentially ok looking as my sense of self remains what it was as a child in my opinion yet all the contradictory evidence via the way people act towards me now makes me very angry as it's like my brain wont' accept it. Well it does accept it and if it accepts it too much I get very depressed so I have to try not to focus on it. Hence I was not made to feel self-conscious about how I looked as a child but I am all the time as an adult and it's been one major head-fk for me and has made me lose most of my faith in people as they insist on judging me more for how I look than on how I am as a person and judge me too harshly for how I look in my opinion as if some people are ok with how I look why are some so nasty??
Where's the consistency??

Getting highly inconsistent reactions off people to how I look and come across is like torture to a person on the autistic spectrum, where predictability and consistency are so highly valued!

shiflimtamfloo
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12 Dec 2012, 9:28 am

abyssquick wrote:

mds_02 wrote:

abyssquick wrote:

She explains how she'd been deciding I'm not as interesting, that I'm not the quiet loner type she figured I was - that I'm really just awkward and weird. She decided she had an "infatuation."

I can't tell you how many women have lost interest when they've realized that I'm a loner not because I'm the cool aloof above-it-all guy, but because I'm the weird-as-f**k guy.

Actually, I probably could tell you how many, but the number wouldn't sound that impressive. Still, it's been a noticeable pattern.

The experience made me very self-conscious, since I was only 18. I look back on it as an age of self-illiteracy.

I don't want to see it, but I WAS weird. I didn't know what "normal" relationship behavior was. I remember as conversation gradually became forced, her screaming into the phone once: "CAN'T WE HAVE A NORMAL CONVERSATION?! !" She got annoyed with me pretty fast once her illusions about me were displaced by actual data....

Lol... a lot of you on here talk like this.. "displaced by actual data" sounds like something Spock would say. I'm wondering if a lot of us on here have different degrees of autism, I don't really talk like that, I think I talk pretty norma lbut just not that often, and I'm sh***y at conversations too. I think if people look kinda normal, then people will expect them to behave normal too maybe that's part of the problem.

BrokenEnvoke
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12 Dec 2012, 10:14 am

shiflimtamfloo wrote:

I'm wondering if a lot of us on here have different degrees of autism

In other news fire is hot!

nessa238
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12 Dec 2012, 10:14 am

BrokenEnvoke wrote:

shiflimtamfloo wrote:

I'm wondering if a lot of us on here have different degrees of autism

In other news fire is hot!

Lol

Hey we're using sarcasm quite competently there though, is that allowed on the spectrum?

BrokenEnvoke
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12 Dec 2012, 10:43 am

I've had a few online-girlfriends from all over the world this year - Currently I'm working so my chances of dating irl is a bit on the impossible side~
I've never had a girlfriend before this year so it was quite an interesting and educational experience.

1st case.
Met a girl from Vietnam and she was really energetic and childish-ish.
She was coming to Germany to study abroad and wanted for me to come and visit her to "strengthen" our relationship.
Too bad she was extremely childish and felt like she could become mentally unstable (drama queen) so I intentionally started to become a boring person on Skype chat.
Week after that I apparently still had her on my Facebook and noticed she was in a relationship with some really douchy looking dude! >_>
About a month later she broke up with him~ I think I made a healthy choice.

2nd case.
Another Asian girl from Taiwan. She was really kind and full of energy.. also very shy to talk in English with her~ We always Skype-called each other with her gay-friend.
She basically forced me into a relationship with her after showing a piece of paper saying "I love you, will you love me?". Of course I was in my awkward mood and put my thumbs up and say "Yes yes verrrryy good " and suddenly we were in a relationship. At first I was scared and thought to myself that "I'm screwed" but she kinda grew on me and started to like her. But that worn off really quickly too... We basically called each other everyday after coming from work... it was like being on Big Brother show since we used video cams and it really hurt my privacy and my free time. I let her go after realizing myself I was wasting each others time since she was horrible at English and I wanted my privacy back! She was way too obsessive in seeing me... she would always skype-call me when I'm at work the moment I open Skype on my work-laptop X____X

3rd case.
The most recent one. This one was from Europe and she was really the "triple A marriage material"!.... Well maybe for others.
Both of us really complimented each other in many ways and I really enjoyed talking with her on a more deeper level of conversations. Something I've never done before.
Both of us also traded a lot of sexual fantasies of each other... it was really an.. interesting thing :oops: Too bad that's all she ever wanted to talk about and I rolled the thought in my head that our relationship would be based on sex and that would be bad in the future. We also pretty much planned our marriage after two weeks of meeting each other.
Of course all of this was way too fast for me as it started to sink in... I was skeptical about it at first, but thought this was the right thing to do and she is "the one" so I let it happen. To cut the story short, I became self-aware of my actions and stopped it in its tracks.

There were a few other cases, but nothing worthwhile to mention about.
Soooo... yeah! Very educational year! Learned much~
Lately I've been extra cautious about having a relationship to avoid breaking more hearts.

Besides I've decided to do the impossible and look for a hardcore gamer girl yeeawh!! ^3^

(sorry for grammar issues, too lazy to double check)

MariaMosum
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12 Dec 2012, 11:50 pm

It is good that you do have lots of experiences already when it comes on relationship.

abyssquick
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13 Dec 2012, 9:15 am

shiflimtamfloo wrote:

I'm wondering if a lot of us on here have different degrees of autism, I don't really talk like that, I think I talk pretty norma lbut just not that often, and I'm sh***y at conversations too.

I was terrible as a child. Hyperactive, oblivious, insensitive. I would talk at length only about things of interest to me, and not connect with other by allowing them to share their interests. It was ridiculous, really, looking back. The more I learn about people, the better it gets - luckily one of my interests is people.

I was originally diagnosed with ADHD, but I have several of the autistic characteristics also (sensitivity to loud noises/bright lights, lack of eye contact, lack of facial recognition, lack of voice tone recognition (sarcasm is especially difficult), and several others. I'm on an idiosyncratic island with aspects of both ADHD and Aspergers. I'd say I've adapted rather well, though.

Over time I became better at understanding people, at "fitting in" by mimicry, and by simply letting my guard down. I have an intuition now based on memory. Social experiences are still odd and rather exhausting, but I've gotten to the point where I can handle it regularly. I used to get awful anxiety about it. I still rarely look people in the eye, though. I can't focus on my thoughts when I do, it's too intense. I get full-on clumsy when I have to maintain eye contact.

abyssquick
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13 Dec 2012, 9:28 am

BrokenEnvoke wrote:

" and suddenly we were in a relationship. At first I was scared and thought to myself that "I'm screwed" but she kinda grew on me and started to like her. But that worn off really quickly too... We basically called each other everyday after coming from work... it was like being on Big Brother show since we used video cams and it really hurt my privacy and my free time. I let her go after realizing myself I was wasting each others time since she was horrible at English and I wanted my privacy back! She was way too obsessive in seeing me... she would always skype-call me when I'm at work the moment I open Skype on my work-laptop X____X

3rd case.
The most recent one. This one was from Europe and she was really the "triple A marriage material"!.... Well maybe for others.
Both of us really complimented each other in many ways and I really enjoyed talking with her on a more deeper level of conversations. Something I've never done before.
Both of us also traded a lot of sexual fantasies of each other... it was really an.. interesting thing :oops:

Too bad that's all she ever wanted to talk about and I rolled the thought in my head that our relationship would be based on sex and that would be bad in the future. We also pretty much planned our marriage after two weeks of meeting each other.
Of course all of this was way too fast for me as it started to sink in... I was skeptical about it at first, but thought this was the right thing to do and she is "the one" so I let it happen. To cut the story short, I became self-aware of my actions and stopped it in its tracks.

There were a few other cases, but nothing worthwhile to mention about.
Soooo... yeah! Very educational year! Learned much~
Lately I've been extra cautious about having a relationship to avoid breaking more hearts.

Besides I've decided to do the impossible and look for a hardcore gamer girl yeeawh!! ^3^

(sorry for grammar issues, too lazy to double check)

Interesting - do you think you've learned anything about yourself in the process? Or about people / girls in general? abut 10 years ago, I had met a fair share of energetic, ambitious girls who were compelled to have relationships almost entirely in their heads. When it came time to actually meet in person, to go out and do stuff in person, that of course changed. I have found the ones who use social media also tend to have social anxiety, or social problems, and they strongly tend to be drama queens too.

I find it's easier not to expect anything - I would just talk to girls with only the intention of getting to know them - the best way (IMO) is to find out what you have in common, not aim to find a girlfriend. If you're out connecting with people (even though I am bad at it), looking for friends, then nice women tend to find you.

A lot of guys feel frustrated by being "friendzoned" but as long as the girl is being decent and not exploiting you, if you maintain the friendship, she may introduce you to one of her friends. Girls like to do that I find. Some of them are like switchboard operators, with that sort of thing. If you find a girl who is into connecting people, she's a good friend to have. She'll make you feel better about yourself, and she may very well introduce you to someone with similar interests.

ajlposh
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14 Dec 2012, 9:45 pm

Now these are just the Cliff Notes versions. If I wanted to, I could get into much more detail.

Middle of Senior year of high school-Met a girl at work over the summer. She showed interest in me and I began to show interest in her. The season ends, and we talk occasionally for a couple months, but then eventually talk a lot more. We sweet-talked a lot. We decided to go on a date. After this date, she immediately stops talking to me. No explanation or anything, just ignores me when I tried to text her.

Summer after I graduated from high school-Met one of my cousin's friends at her high school graduation party. Went to a movie theater with my cousin and her friends and sat next to this girl. We ended up holding hands. She was crazy about me. We went on a couple of dates and she eventually became my girlfriend. We happily dated for about one and a half months, but then she broke up with me because "she couldn't connect with me." If I told her that I was an Aspie, we might still be together. I was baffled that we did not last very long, because she was nuts about me.

Middle of the first semester of freshman year of college until the beginning of second semester-I started college with no friends there. Virtually all of my free time was spent sitting in my room on my laptop. I met a girl from one of my classes and I decided I liked her. She liked me too. A couple days after I met her, we took a walk around campus and ended up holding hands. We became boyfriend and girlfriend a week later. Now I'll admit that this girl had one issue: she was too obsessed with school. Like she would be doing her schoolwork so much that I didn't get to hang out with her as often as I liked. Eventually, the semester ended, and there was one issue standing between us: we lived a couple hours away from each other. So, during Christmas break, I went and visited her once. Eventually, when the next semester began, we didn't see each other much. I finally confronted her about this on Facebook, and she said that she was going to be too busy and broke up with me. On Facebook. A couple days earlier, I told her that I was an Aspie. She was sympathetic and understanding, but I think when I told her, she had already had enough. It was only a few days into the semester, and I was left with no friends again. Fortunately, I gained some later. We didn't speak for a year and a half, and then she messaged me on Facebook and apologized for what she did to me. I accepted her apology, and now we talk often. She might actually still like me, but I'm having mixed thoughts about that.

Second semester of sophomore year of college-So the semester after my last girlfriend broke up with me, I joined a co-ed service fraternity and had many more friends. The semester after I was activated, there was a girl who decided to pledge. Now this girl was the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. You might agree too. She was this cute, little blonde freshman. So we got to know each other and began talking a lot. One time we were sitting in the library and I ended up with my arm around her. We went on a couple dates and held hands both times. When word got out to everyone else in my fraternity, they all thought that we were so cute together. We got together eventually, but pretty quickly, I was concerned that something was wrong. However, I chose not to think about it too much, because I was so happy that I was dating a girl I guy like me could never dream of getting. I told her that I was an Aspie very early on, so she was aware what I go through. After about a month, she called me on the last day of the semester and told me that we weren't going to work because of the summer class she was taking and her job. However, I knew that wasn't the reason. I definitely think I scared her away. I got way too romantic with her. We are still on good terms though, seeing as how we are in the same fraternity. She recently got a new boyfriend, and I know for a fact that she likes him better, which makes me extremely sad.

I worry that I will never find the perfect girl for me. I just hate that I treated all these girls like princesses, and yet they all lasted for a combined total of about five and a half months. Most people I know have been in one relationship that lasts longer then all three of my relationships combined.

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