She doesn't know...yet.

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I broke up with my partner of three years right before Thanksgiving. Feeling understandably miserable, I wallowed in loneliness for awhile until out of the blue, a wonderful girl came into my life. Usually people have to force entry into my life and expend all their energy just to get close to me, but I unconsciously let her right in and feeling a connection to her is effortless. I think we're in love.

I'm sure you've all heard something to the extent of "Aspies don't generally understand those feelings," and it can't be wrong...I have no idea what exactly it is I feel for her, but I can easily tell they are very good feelings.

The title should suggest my question well enough. How and when do I (or should I even) tell her I have Asperger's?

There have already been a lot of green lights, despite having known her for about two weeks. It all happened so fast, I know, I can't believe it either. It just feels right. She's the most open-minded, non-judgmental, caring, and compassionate person I have ever met (I would find her uninteresting without any one of these traits) and she already knows about my depression and severe anxiety disorder. Last night she witnessed me almost have a panic attack, but she managed to calm me down - that's so hard!!

I hinted that there is something to explain why I am sometimes so bad with choosing words, since thus far that's the only thing I've done wrong. I'm oddly fantastic at saying the right thing at the right time, but equally and unfortunately good at occasionally saying something I really shouldn't.

Example: she was complaining about being fat. She's not overweight at all, but yeah, she has curves and could drop a few pounds safely. But she doesn't need me to say that. Not at all. But of course I didn't think, and I may have hurt her a bit, for which I feel terrible.

I just don't know when or if I should tell her. I'm leaning towards soon and yes.

I also have no idea how. Do I just say I have it and then explain it, or preface it with something, or what?

Deep down I know this won't ruin our relationship. I just don't want to say something like "I have a form of autism, but I know you'll still love me because you have a lot of personal problems too" because that just feels like a terrible idea.

There's no hurry. We don't see each other often, but I do feel bad kinda keeping her in the dark!

I say just tell her you have it. She'll be understanding/supportive from the sounds of things.

Just wait for a good moment, when perhaps she catches you at something that's not "neurotypical". Maybe a moment when you feel like retreating for awhile, or what-have-you..

When she asks why (she definitely will at some point), then explain to her that you have Aspergers and that its in some way related to that. She'll probably take it much easier than being put on the spot if you just came out of the blue and told her..

Best of luck

Maybe give her something to read which explains it clearly, she might find it easier to accept if she can understand it a little.

thats always a tricky thing. i agree that you should find something that describes it well as to not let anxiety/nervousness affect how you say it

My boyfriends mother just randomly told me over text. HE didn't even know he had it. I looked it up and it explained so much and the more I discovered the better we were able to communicate and understand each other. If I had never known we wouldn't be together today and it's been over a year for us now.

Sounds a lot like our relationship when we first started. Good luck!

Thanks. Having it colored by my tendency for panic attacks was/is a big concern of mine. I don't want to freak out trying to tell her, because then she'll just get worried.

Hmm I could definitely find some things that having AS would certainly explain. Like how I have five times as many computers as friends.

lol Mine didn't get sarcasm and I just didn't understand how such a smart guy could be clueless. Time...couldn't keep track of it. Forgot many things. The, it all made since and I found this site and it has been really good!

Most of us are like that. I have learned to know what sarcasm is but still don't quite get it, which is a problem because my girlfriend seems to enjoy using it a lot. I have horrible time management but then again I have bad ADD, so yeah, no surprises really.

I'm not too worried about her knowing, which is good, since I think it'll probably make things better!

as the others, i can recommend to wait untill a moment shows itself, out of the blue isn't the moment to tell someone something like this.

there are, however, methods of forcing a relavant situation; there are a couple of movies that quite heavily feature aspergers in them, watching those together might trigger it.
two that i know of are 'adam' and 'mozart and the whale', both are set up kind of like a romantic comedy which makes them a good option to watch, yet they are blunt enough to make people that know you (well, it did for me) put two and two together.

I have an AS BF. I knew he was a bit different when we began to go out...but he didn't tell me until a year later that he had it. I do wish he told me earlier since it explained alot. At times when he didn't understand things or forgot certain things I'd think he was playing with me or trying to make me mad, but I realized he was very serious and never intended to confuse me. I think it's best to telll her when she begins to ask questions like why....or how come.... which is what I did and he then explained to me and I was able to understand more and we get along so much better after he told me about it.

Last night, she got really upset about something and I started to panic because I can't ever perceive or understand what's wrong in any situation ever, and like most Aspies I have a very difficult time with comfort or empathy...I can emulate it to an extent and even feel it I guess but certainly not whilst fighting off or actually having a panic attack!

It turns out what had upset her was not something I did or said, but rather my consistent inability to explain, rationalize, or otherwise express my emotions and feelings, specifically about her. I've definitely said far too often that "I can't explain why I love you / why I'm attracted to you / why I like this thing about you." Oops...

For the record, she lives an hour away and isn't a fan of phone conversations, so our conversation is generally restricted to texting, which while unlimited for both of us poses some problems. I understand that even NT people have difficulty interpreting text messages because they lack things like tone of voice and facial expressions. So yeah. We Skype sometimes but not often. Don't want to be overheard, you see.

So long story short, she essentially forced me out of my shell and dragged me kicking and screaming into the real world for a moment, put me under a spotlight, and challenged me to overcome my AS for just a brief period. At least, that is how I see it. And you know what? I admire her for it.

Without really asking, she made me explain everything about my feelings for her and once I started naming reasons I love her (not ashamed to say I do, that's for sure), I couldn't stop and I went on and on and it was so cathartic and her reaction was beyond favorable.

Somewhere in my soliloquy, I said I have "a condition that prevents me from explaining my feelings," which I guess is true, right? I don't exactly remember how, but I later said I have AS, then in a later message used the word "Asperger's," and I definitely remember at some point saying "I have f----- autism and you still love me," so it definitely went better than I expected.

I was so emotionally drained that I shut down well before midnight and slept for about eleven hours...

She's a psychology major. She knows what Asperger's is. She's never really studied it, but she knew what I meant just from "AS," so I can't even say how relieved I am right now.

Boy this was a long kinda personal post...but yeah, it went well. I have a feeling we'll definitely talk about it more in the future, too, since as a lot of people here have said, it explains a lot.

Also, it's nice to have the NT perspective! My girlfriend is perhaps not completely neuro-typical, but she's definitely closer than I am...