Girlfriend freaking out!! !

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I have been seeing this girl for a month and a half and today she broke it off. I don’t know what to do. She has a lot of Aspergers traits and is very similar to me. She is incredibly insecure and was also in an abusive relationship in the past.

She said her reasoning was that I am better off without her and she’s doing it now to save one of us from getting even more hurt down the track. She thinks I want more than she is able to give me and that she is not enough and toxic. She needs me to stay away from her.

She keeps everything inside and I told her it was ok to let me in and now she thinks I want more and she can’t give it to me because she cant let her walls down. She also does not believe in love and says that she likes me as much as its possible for her to like a person but that she won’t ever be able to like me as much as I like her and its not fair on me.

She also says she is protecting herself from getting hurt again and cant have a relationship even though she likes me. I don’t know what to do, it seems like even though she is saying she wants to break, she really doesn’t and is just afraid of getting serious and having one of us hurt each other in the long run.

Should I back away and accept it or continue to try and be there for her even though she is pushing me away? What should I do??

Ayayai.... she is totally going down the wrong track here.

Seriously, this one time I was seriously upset because I had a feud with a friend and it got close to getting violent (didn't quite make it that far) she was there and so i was going off to my girlfriend who was there to see it, about how that was my dark side and how it'd be better if she left me now cause I didn't have the courage to break it off with her and I cared about her too much and didn't want her to get hurt.

She slapped me across the face, told me that I needed to calm down, and pushed me out the door and locked it. It was the middle of winter and it was definitely below freezing outside... I guess when she told me to "cool off" she meant it literally, and as it so happened the exposure helped calm me a little. She let me back inside before I got too cold, and then we sat down and talked. She basically told me, quite sternly, that she had been quite upset at my assumption that she shouldn't be with me, because she thought it was unfair to the both of us. She told me that if I wanted to break up with her, that was fine, but only if it was a decision made for myself and not for her. She told me she wouldn't have gone out with me unless she thought I was a good guy, and that she would decide whether or not she should leave me, not me, and that I wasn't near as bad as I thought I was going to be. We made up afterwards, it was nice.

So yeah, I would just go out and say to your GF that you made the decision to date her, and that you stand by your decision, and that she needs to decide how SHE feels about it. You should never try and end a relationship merely because you're afraid of hurting the other person, because that basically says that you don't really care about that person and you're saying you know their feelings better than they do.

Don't be too harsh on her though. It sounds to me that this is her own self-esteem or lack thereof that's the root cause. She's predicting the doom of your relationship with her because she lacks the confidence to believe that'd you'd want to stay with her. So go out of your way to tell her that you love her for who she is, and that you aren't afraid of her hurting you because the fact that she's that concerned about it means that she truly cares about you and would never intentionally hurt you, and that if she accidentally did you would forgive her. Basically tell her that you love her and that you're not afraid of being hurt by her, something like that. If this truly is what I think it is, expressing your affection for her in that manner will calm her fears and allow her to think more rationally about the scenario.

She has said that reassurance just makes her run more and that loving her will make her run though? Because she doesn't believe she can love and that I deserve to be with someone who can love me back.

Sounds like fear of intimacy to me - close to fear of loss, it means that basically she prefers the sabotage it early approach to avoid greater pain.

I have done it myself many many times.

I think its a sad fact but he who cares less often has most control.

Is there anything I can do to show her I'm not going to hurt her and that even if she hurts me it will be ok? Like what helped in your situations?

I found another girlfriend.

It's one thing to play "Catch Me" or "Stay Away Closer", but it an entirely different game when she can think of any number of excuses for you to go away and not come back. It seems obvious that she doesn't want you around any more.

You deserve better.

You dont want to show her that at all.

She has prior experience of an abusive relationship - quite often such women equate abuse and good sex. You can only treat a woman consistent with her self-image.

You need to be an emotionally compelling masculine figure - right now my advice is to give her the gift of missing you. Dont drop off the planet but make yourself somewhat scarce but show NO ego damage - will drive her nuts if you do it right and she will blow hot again.

Currently she is testing you and you are failing imo.

Sorry brutal post but thats my advice or you can find some more from my sig,.

How are you playing xmas? who got who what?

I have no idea what to do about Christmas. I'm already taking your advice and giving her space. I haven't spoken to her in two days. We both got each other a gift I think. Should I text her and wish her a merry Christmas or just continue giving her space?

u think?

dont drop off the planet - its a fine line but its xmas

say smth today but dont drop a gift if she got u nothin

She told me she had something small but had to get the rest of her xmas that afternoon. Then we broke up so I don't know if she got me what she was going to get or not.

How should I iniate that though? Do I just act like nothing's happened?

no

smth did happen

hope it goes well

I know but what would you say to reconnect with her? Like at the moment it feels awkward and weird!

It is awkward and weird.

Well why did you get together in the first place.

I dont have enough info to advise you properly but I hope it goes well.

I have been in situations that are similar in their 'feel' but different in terms of the specific circumstances. Sometimes -- and trust me when I say this won't be easy -- people just need time and space. I've been in a past abusive relationship myself, so let me make it clear that for people who have been so badly burned, respect is really important. If I were in your position, I'd tell her how I feel -- that I care about her, respect her, and that she isn't toxic or bad for me, that she makes me happy and that is what I'm looking for so I don't feel like I'm not getting what I want, that I have no expectations other than to want to spend time with her, then I'd say it seems like she needs space so though I'd love to be with her, I'm going to do what she asks and take a step back. Then I'd just give her time. Pushing people who have been abused is a bad idea. If someone pushed me, I might not come back to them and I consider myself a pretty resilient person. It's just that being abused can really make you sensitive to someone respecting your boundaries or not. I'd definitely voice how I feel about her and my reasons for taking a step back so she doesn't think I don't care, but I would respect her space. Not doing that -- from a personal perspective -- may be very counterproductive to what it seems like you want to accomplish.

I must say it's heartwarming that you seem to care so much about her. I can only hope that for myself and others who have also been in abusive relationships, that we all find someone who cares and considers us as much as you care about and consider her. She is truly, truly lucky to have someone so thoughtful and I hope, from the bottom of my heart (for both of you), that she sees that.

She's pushing you away because she can not handle being in a relationship due to her issues.
Trying to continue the relationship with her after she specially told you she cant have a relationship would make her feel like you don't respect her needing her space & she may equate the pressure of you wanting to continue to signs of an abusive relationship from her past. Let her end the relationship but continue to be there for her as her friend if she'll let & maybe she'll come around after she realizes you won't pressure her for anything she isn't ready for.