Intimacy vs Isolation and Loneliness

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I don't mean to make a whiny thread but then again, yes I do. I just need to tell someone and don't feel like talking to my counsellor. It seems these conflicts always peak somewhere around finals, when I'm most bored. I also always find the most distracting activities when they are least wanted, but that's another topic. I want to talk about wanting intimacy as an INFP. I don't think enneagram type (mine's 5w4) applies here but Instinctual variants do so that's why I'm bringing it up. I'm a Sp/Sx whose Sp has always been fulfilled by having enough and feeling safe, therefore, my Sx and need for intimacy (not sex) is what makes my day hell.
To me, it seems to be related to wanting order to create a stable and overall less stressful environment for me to live in. I want to find a partner and I want to find a stable job. In my flawed mind I somehow think all my life's problems will disappear and I will truly be able to relax and find some kind of actual happiness.

There's also the part of wanting to be accepted for who I am by another person, a person I can trust and open up to entirely. It takes a lot of time for me to truly and fully trust someone to open up entirely.

I am a freshman at a medium size liberal arts school with VERY pretty girls and a good amount of them loner-depressive types, which is what really makes me go crazy. I have ADD inattentive, Anxiety and Aspergers traits (though I don't think I'm aspie), which makes it VERY hard to approach girls and even harder to keep a conversation going once I've initiated. The problem is that these girls that I long for intimacy with are probably having the same problems I am and are probably very hard to talk to (I haven't had the courage to talk to them, and barely am able to initiate with friendly extraverts). I have an ideal of what the girls are like and imagine one that wants to go away to live away from society. I also don't seem to care that much about having normal relationships and that's really the only way to meet decent girls. (I hate seeing people with their girlfriend when they seem to be similar to me).

I've had brief experiences with dating sites, where guys outnumber girls 100 to 1 and it seems like a gang rape, which thus makes me feel disgusting. Perhaps a girl with Aspergers would be ideal, but they're rare (4/1 male/female). I just feel so hopeless about the future right now. I don't doubt my abilities academically or in other areas but without resolving this conflict, I doubt that my life will feel meaningful and that I will have the motivation to go on, much less fulfill my potential. I think about suicide daily but have never attempted, probably due to circumstance. I have a counsellor, but she tries to turn around the mood of my speech when I talk even a little negatively, and I'm like, "Those aren't even close to the worst". I've tried talking to my parents about all this, but when they ask if I'm depressed, I deny it. I just wanted to see if any guys could relate to what I'm saying. Not really looking for advice I guess since I know what I have to do, but if anyone has similar experiences and wants to give advice, that's fine.

Your post is kind of rambling and it uses lots of abbreviations that I'm not familiar with. If you want to get a particular point across you may want to fix that. Although I think in this case it sounds like you just want someone to talk to.

I've heard that it is very bad for people to tell you that it's not that bad when you feel bad, because then it makes it seem like even worse things can happen.

The way I resolved my anxiety problem around people and especially girls was to find groups of people whose opinions of me were irrelevant to me, and force myself to interact with them repeatedly. The goal was to learn how to get people to like me and to sort of develop routines so that it would be easier when I tried to go after people I did like.

Also I was suicidal once, but I found that if I just wait, then things always get better, if not through an improvement in circumstances, then through a change in the way I perceive things.

I don't know if I'll be much help, but if nothing else I can say that I empathize.

My freshman year of college (at a smallish liberal arts school) was AWFUL, with a social situation much like the one you described. - This is from the perspective of one of those quiet, depressive girls. I spent a lot of time wishing somebody with similar interests would talk to me, and being unable to myself.

My second year, though, I started forcing myself to get more involved in department activities and such, and I ended up meeting a group of about four people I could actually relate to, which was about the best possible outcome, because it sort of fulfilled that need without being overwhelming.

But yeah, in short, freshman year is usually the worst like that. It can't help but improve from there.

Starting college can be a very difficult time--adjusting to nearly everyting being unfamiliar combined with lots of activity and being surrounded by people all the time, none of which help with social anxiety or Aspie.

I found I adjusted best once I found clubs I was interested in. It was easier to make conversation since most people shared similiar interests, and it gave an opportunity to meet girls that wanted to talk about things I enjoyed--not required to make as much small talk. It also gave a chance to slowly open up and still provided a safe topic to return to if things got overwhelming.

I ended up leaving college with a couple very good friends and dated a few great girls in the process.

I can kind of understand this a bit...i keep thinking that if i meet someone and settle down it might in some way make me happy in life..the craving to have a normal life like most people is hard.

I am always hoping that one day everything will change if i meet the right lady..maybe hoping that she could do all the things in life with me that i always wanted to do but never had the courage to do alone feeling a bit insecure in your life doesn't help....maybe it is the answer well for me anyway..but at the same time it could all just be an illusion...and life will be just as difficult as before....but being lonely is the hardest thing of all for me.