In-laws asking for a prenup = water under the bridge?

Post Reply New Topic

I recently got back from a 12-day trip across country, to visit my future in-laws for the holidays. I was rather uncomfortable most of the time, despite attempting to maintain a positive attitude. I ran out of energy pretty quickly and was quiet most of the time, occasionally grumpy. Being back home for a week now it's become obvious to me that I'm still hurt by the in-laws request some 2 months ago - so I'm on edge around them. It's not something deliberate on my part, though.

In early November the in-laws had pressured my fiance into asking for a "prenuptial agreement." I had been offended at the time because they hadn't even inquired about my work, my background, etc. It seemed to be a judgment from a rather superficial standpoint. I was also given different reasons by each parent. At first the mom said it had to do with protection from future problems with the business I own, and/or with past medical debt. Later the dad said it also had to do with a greedy sister-in-law who had "brought little into the marriage" of his brother, now owns half of everything. So I found my self off-put on two counts, for different reasons.

I'm still a bit confused how asking for a "prenup" is somehow easier than asking a future son-in-law to show you around his company / business. For people who are supposed to become family, I would have no issues showing that sort of thing. I'm still perplexed by the level of meddling. As though the daughter was just supposed to ask, and the parents would then take over the process. The entire thing seems rather ill-conceived.

The subject has been dropped entirely though - if only because of my reaction, not necessarily because they understand why it's offensive. In any case I'm having difficulty "getting over it." My fiance expects me to just let it go after a few weeks, thinks that since it's not an issue anymore, I no longer should even think about it, that it shouldn't affect me at all. Yet the reality is, for me, I can tell already this is one of those things that may take some time to patch up. I'm just not sure whether to tell anyone else how I feel. It seems every negative feeling I have is somehow unexpected or unreasonable in nature or duration. I either take it "too personally" or I "don't hear what they meant" (despite hearing the same sentence) ... such seems to be the attitude surrounding the prenup entirely. I don't know.

I don't think you should take it too personally. When I was planning my wedding, pretty much every resource I used suggested talking to my fiance about prenups "just in case", even if you can't ever foresee separating. I didn't do it, because I'm not planning on taking off at the first sign of trouble, but there it was, all over every website/book.

The problem with them is that "Just in case" roughly translates into 'I don't trust you 100%, or I don't trust myself 100% not to cheat on you', so here sign this cause it's gonna be a bumpy ride and I don't wanna get my wallet reamed in the inevitable divorce.

The "normals" out there really don't seem to stew over these kinds of things for long - they just seem to move along like nothing ever happened. I don't get it myself... maybe it's the only way they can function considering how much unnecessary drama they stir up in the first place!

Like all things, we need to learn how to forgive... but remain wary of any trickery. A prenup isn't all bad - it could very well protect YOU as much as her!

Imagine if the prenup said you each keep your respective businesses 100% - and yours is the one to take off to the moon! Aspies don't usually have that kind of good luck in the business world due to the necessary hob-nobbing, but you're already doing better than many of us in both business and love.

Hang in there, try to smile and maybe they'll come to treat you as family in a short time.

I'm just inferring from your post, but it seems that your potential in-laws are a bit pushy. It's really none of their business. This is between you and your fiancee.
I wouldn't be offended at the suggestion of a pre-nup (well, okay, I would - it's like starting things with a view to failure.) But I would be concerned about the amount of influence her parents have on her. Good thing they don't live too close.

The parents are probably looking at a number of factors and are pushing for a pre-nup under the belief that it will "protect" their daughter from harm should the relationship (for any reason) go awry.
Don't worry about it. But yeah it really isn't any of their business. You're not in a relationship with THEM

I would do a pre-nup. It's not so much about trust but more a case of no one can predict the future, and even a tragic event in the family not just things like cheating that can tear apart 2 otherwise happy people. In a day and age where divorce rates are higher than marriage rates it would be a safe thing to do. You get no browny points for trying to appear super-nice and trusting by not doing a pre-nup.

Best advice, get the prenup and tell her it was her parent's idea. This way she cant be mad at you...

I personally think a prenup is a smart idea in all cases........ but you should do it because you two think so not because her parents think it is. It's your marriage not theres.

I'm not getting one. Never will. I have to trust a person completely.

I find it odd how so many people say they would get one. The reality seems to be that most people don't ever end up doing it - less than 1% of marriages. I did the research. The ones that do get drawn up off-shelf are inherently unfair to one party. It's an inherently unfair document unless both parties want one. Neither of us did. If both want it, ideally one could mediate. Which is of course even more expensive.

With the parents involved, it would have been a can of worms that I don't dare open, because it will present a lot of judgement towards me. I tend not to take that sort of thing very well.

Why does everyone seem to think it's a good idea? Is this based on some legal advice I haven't yet heard? I don't understand the reasoning - and I think the ubiquity of this opinion has more to do with the media.

You can't remove risk from your life entirely - there's always risk - why not be careful and specific about who you choose to marry?

It might be that you are associating this trust of yours with this - you trust someone not to cheat on you, and you trust them with your mind body and soul. What you are forgetting is the trust that someone will never leave you.

You can never trust someone not to leave you, though. Never assume because you are married you can do whatever you want and they will still be yours or that no outside force or event will ever interfere with your marriage. You can believe such, but you cannot guarantee that. Separations happen (not necessarily a divorce), family tragedies can break 2 happily married people apart, one of you might die and pre-nups further secure arrangements in yours or their will.

I understand your disdain with the whole affair of pre-nups. I suppose it does from the outside seem insincere by design..but you have to remember trust is not absolutely relative to X and Y. It simply isn't as black and white as that. Love, dating, marriage, relationships and friendships never are. You can have pre-nups set up in the sincerest of ways for the sincerest of reasons. Much like any tool it is not the tool itself that is evil, dishonest or dangerous but the wielder of that tool.

If you don't want pre-nups stick to your guns. If you just want things to be easier you can set some minor ones up that are almost self fulfilling just to appease the in-laws. Your call.