frivolity

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Hi,

How do people connect with a need for frivolity? I'm talking about spending money on things like manicures. My partner has told me that she has her own "nervous system needs"- language used to parallel my Aspie preferences. Sometimes, feeling carefree and spending some money on jewelry or fingernails helps her feel better. I sometimes spend $140 on talk therapy, so I can be flexible that if that $30 nails beats $140 therapy. Maybe I bill it to a mental health budget?

I am trained to see needs as universal, yet I struggle with wanting to feel carefree. It is so distant from me. I can have apathy, and I can have intense focus. I am working on a middle ground of engaged participation.

wishing me the best,
and all others the best also,
Bob


bobyamtich.com

I hate to say it, but . . . here goes . . . I treat it as no different than getting upset at a dog for licking his balls. Dogs lick their balls. That's just a fact. It would be cruel to abuse him for licking his balls.

Someone wants to take a more epicurean approach to life, I don't really sweat it as long as it's not clearly causing destruction or want. A manicure she can afford is no big deal.

There is wisdom in being frivolous. The more dumb I am, the more guys want me and the more profound I get the more scary I seem.

Being happy with little things is not a bad thing if it makes you happy. Just be happy.

Thanks to both of you! Yes, she does have an inner wisdom. And I can learn a lot about being relaxed and happy from her. And, it does not cause any harm.

When I was married to a fellow gifted Aspie, we never did much and we never spent much money. Miserly and miserable have the same root! There was something easy there, in that I was not challenged to engage in the world and support a partner who wanted to engage with the world. With my new love, I am reaching more outward while still having my inner world honored.

A female friend of mine convinced me that it isn't just frivolous, that she gains professional respect by her attention to her physical appearance. I get that I do too, but this is another situation where it is easier to be a guy.

Thanks again,
Bob

bobyamtich.com

is she spending shared money, your money, or her money on the manicure?

that question aside, i do not see it as necessarily frivolous, and the fact you phrased it that way sort of trivialises it unnecessarily. she might work in an industry where having a proper manicure actually matters. or she may do it for a sense of well-being or to feel good about herself. none of these reasons are frivolous. tossing coins in a fountain is frivolous, spending a bit of money on self-care is not.

of course, it does all depend on a person's level of income and such, so if they are quite poor but have $200 hairdos and weekly manicures it could be a little iffy.

Thanks for asking about money. I don't have an easy answer, or else the easy answer is that it is simply her money. Where I appear like a controlling jerkface is that I am the one paying the rent. Part of what was confusing was that I was out earning money at the exact moment that she was spending it. I could have been cool about it and celebrated her self-care, as you encourage. Moving forward, I plan to appreciate whatever helps her be happy. We took a look at our finances, and although we need to pay attention, we are not in deep trouble. I can have compassion for how I was worried, but I need to let go and relax.