Feeling frustrated and lonely

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I'm almost 28 (male) and have never had a girlfriend or anything even close to one. Never kissed or held hands in a romantic way, obviously never had sex. It's not about the sex, but lately I've just been feeling so frustrated and lonely. I'm 100% introverted and like having a lot of time to myself, but it sure would be nice to at least experience a relationship and know what it's like to be loved in a romantic way, and to have a chance to express the love I could give.

Unfortunately, I'm really socially awkward and don't have much confidence most of the time. There are some women close to my age that I know as friends and like a lot and feel reasonably comfortable with them in that context but even asking them to do something with just me in a not-obviously-romantic way is really stressful. I've done that a handful of times and it has never turned out disastrously or anything, but it's still really difficult to do it every time. (Only one of those friends is single right now and I don't know whether she's interested in a relationship, let alone one with me, which is the hard part. I'm terrified of potentially coming across as creepy somehow even just suggesting to get lunch together sometime (she lives a couple of hours away, so I would have to make some kind of excuse to go over to her town). I did once, well over a year ago, and she said she was busy that weekend. If it takes me a year in between asking, no wonder my dating progress is, shall we say, slow....

I've tried dating websites and the benefit with that is that at least I know the women there are interested in a relationship. And there are lots of potential people to contact, and who I don't already have relationships with that could be made awkward by unreciprocated romantic interest. The ONE person I've met in person for a "date" from a dating website was well over 2 years ago and we had a decent conversation until she suddenly left and mentioned later after I messaged her about it that she had been made uncomfortable by how nervous I seemed. This was AFTER we had exchanged online messages both talking about how nervous we were and how we would be understanding of each other's nervousness, and after I felt like things hadn't been going that badly at all for my first "date" ever. I haven't met anyone since. I chatted online briefly with a couple of people about a year ago, but since then no one has even responded to any of my messages, and I've sent messages to about 20 people (including 6 today, so I hope one of them will finally be the one to respond and at least be interested in chatting and MAYBE eventually meeting). I received a few messages from people who didn't seem at all my type or clearly didn't read my profile that I didn't respond to, but now I haven't even received any of those in 6 months or more. I feel so far away from an actual relationship that it's pathetic. I was totally honest in profile (without giving out any information that I thought would be TMI in any way) and tried to be a little bit funny, wrote with good spelling and grammar, and in my messages tried to be friendly and polite and come up with some kind of connection based on her profile, without going overboard, and just express that I'd be interested in chatting. I can't understand anything I'm doing that would systematically turn off absolutely everyone I've contacted. Any advice on that?

I've heard some Aspies describe their social interactions as learning to play a part, but I've never felt that way (I was only diagnosed in the past few months). I'm always myself, for better or worse, and my friends like and appreciate me, including some female ones. I know I'm a good person (overall, certainly not perfect) and could be a great boyfriend if given the chance and patience I need to get comfortable with it and get to know the girl. But I just can't even fathom anyone being interested in me "in that way" because I come across as so awkward. I'm not willing to not be myself for the sake of making someone like me. I don't want to be liked for being someone I'm not, but it's frustrating being not even noticed or given a chance as who I am.

Sorry, I just needed to vent a little bit. I'd be interested in anyone else's experiences and advice.

you just have find the right woman. and for some reason many aspie men just can't ever find a woman who likes them.
that the joy of having asperger/autism, you have a very very small select group of women that are willing to date you.
I know the reason why you don't have a gf, and why many aspie men don't but Im not going to say in the open forum.

Although i disagree with the previous post, what is this theory please?

what my theory you ask. Im not going to say it on the open forum. sorry. this topic is not about me, it's about the op.

so why mention it then?

It could be possible you are giving off a vibe that shows you are frustrated and nervous around women, which you seem to indicate the latter on your date. If you want any advice, ask your female friends. You will probably not like the answers, but be open to what they tell you. They will probably tell you what you need to know.

Probably he had problems with women before he was frustrated and nervous, otherwise he would not be frustrated and nervous.

I'm not really convinced by all these comments saying that women know what you're thinking. In my experience they don't know s**t. A woman's emotional intuition is only good for a person who is either exactly like her, or for some instinctive picture of how a man should act in her head. Most aspie men probably don't fit in either of those categories. Instinctive empathy assumes that everybody is a carbon copy of everybody else, so it is wrong if they aren't. Most people just don't notice this because nearly everybody is a boring carbon copy, and they probably have a great deal of confirmation bias for their intuition.

I know that I often come across as nervous, frankly I think sometimes I seem even more nervous than I am in some situations, and I know, that I gave off a nervous vibe on my one (and only) date because she told me so when I messaged her afterwards. I've been working with a professional on social skills and I'm starting a group soon with the person I've been working with that I'm told has a girl and another guy close to my age, so I hope that will be helpful.

I also wouldn't say that I'm frustrated with or around women, I'm just frustrated in myself for having so much trouble. I just feel pathetic in that area.

Last edited by nz3385 on 13 Jan 2013, 9:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Since you've always had this trouble it could be several factors.You've got to get comfortable conversing. Maybe practice a relaxed facial expression. Is your voice monotone? I didn't learn this until college and conversing I learned much later but I can start talking with anyone but still have to remind myself not to steer the conversation to my special interests

Just as an update, I finally did get a response from a really nice young woman and we've been chatting quite a bit. No plans made to meet in person yet, but I'm feeling more optimistic and excited (but also nervous just thoughts of what might happen if we actually do meet and something does happen! It's never something I've really seen as a real possibility before).

nz - good luck! Been there - I was 22 before I got a real date and a GF - it gets easier as you go mate... just keep at it. Mike had some good advice but sounds like you already know the issue - I hope it all works out for you!

Been going out for nearly seven months and still don't have so much as a lay to my name, let alone a serious g/f.

Whoever said patience was a virtue lied. I need to make up for so many years wasted watching sh***y f*****g anime. Used to be a massive otaku, and I regret watching over half the anime I did. I've been hitting bars lately, gotten my share of numbers and one date but it's not enough. Why aren't things progressing fast enough?

So I've still been chatting with the woman from the dating site but we've made no plans to meet in person yet. I asked if she had ever met someone from a dating site in person before and she said no, but that her last two relationships had started online. I don't know at what point I should ask if she wants to meet or at what point I'll know that I'm ready. I'm not opposed to getting to know each other well online first since I communicate much better online, and I think it was probably a mistake to meet the other person I met online before chatting much.

I also just started a social skills "class"/group a few weeks ago, which has one girl and one other guy in it (and the female "teacher"), and the girl is really cute. So far I've just been getting to know her a little bit in the context of the class and I like her so far, and I feel like someone who has social difficulties herself might be the type of person who could finally understand and "get" me. I don't want to show too much interest or try to do something outside of class right now, because I really don't want to come across as creepy, and definitely wouldn't want to make class uncomfortable for both of us, since there are only 3 of us in it and it's supposed to be a comfortable environment for all of us to learn and practice skills.

I had a really awkward situation where I felt like a 70 year old man (somewhat of a friend/colleague) came across as really creepy to me, and I really think he wanted me to go to his hotel room (and even asked if I was gay or straight). He is married (to a woman), BTW. At least once I told him I was straight he didn't act creepy later on in the day, but I certainly did feel uncomfortable at the time, and don't want to ever make a girl/woman feel that way.