how can i prove my love to hfa boyfriend?

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Hi everyone, I'm new to the site which I wish I found a long time ago as its amazing and the best and most importantly the most relevant information that I've found anywhere!!
I suppose I'm classed as neurotypical. I hate labels, humans are obsessed with labelling everything and everything on this planet!! I wouldn't necessarily describe myself as completely NT as I think I have a few eccentric ways of thinking and doing. Anyway, I met an amazing man who is on the scale which at first he thought I'd think less of him as a person but it didn't bother me one bit as it was him I was interested in an that's part of him. So what? However, I'm the only one who knows. He goes through life performing as being NT, bloody clever one at that!! But then I suppose that makes people view him as someone higher than themself. His parents didn't treat him well and friends have sometimes been cruel even though they may describe it as just banter. Yet he forgives them. In my opinion because they don't know the real him. He was hard on me, maybe because I knew and in his eyes had no excuse for getting it wrong. We love the same things in life, I could listen to his knowledge for hours an hours, all night even which we have done. He inspired my 2 boys to learn more about the world we live in which makes me so proud and very thankful. He has a bit of a temper which he suppresses well, sometimes it can rear its head though. He hates the way he looks and at the moment he's depressed, suicidal and desparate to change it. But, he thinks I don't understand. I to are recovering from depression an anxiety as I believe it never leaves you. I made a terrible mistake thinking and suggesting different things I thought may help him. He told me I was insulting him and hadn't even tried to understand him. I wish I had this site for information before as I seem to understand what you guys kindly post on here more than anything I've ever read elsewhere, so thank you from the bottom of my heart. My son has scored very high in the asd test they asked him to fill in. His sister from his dads New relationship also displays quite severe traits of asd. It's part of my family.
When I first met my boyfriend and he explained he had asd, I asked him to help me understand his needs and how it affects him which he agreed. Then he said no and that I had to find it out for myself. I've let him down the most out of everyone. He doesn't even want to talk to me anymore as he doesn't need all the bull that comes with me and my life. He's said some really nasty things. I thought I'd live the rest of my life with him, he's my soulmate. Will he ever forgive me? I want to help. I want to understand better, even though I know its very individual to each person. I always said that he had a gift. His mind is his gift and in my opinion he's cleverer than the average person. My life doesn't feel right without him part of it. Sorry if this is a bit higglety pigglety and any information would be gratefully received. Thank you so much for taking the time to read through my post especially as its so long.

he's lucky to have you.

give him space, and keep letting him know you want to see him. he'll come around eventually.

This sounds like a hard situation, and honestly I don't feel qualified to advise. But as a man with high-functioning autism, I can say that I had absolutely NO CLUE how my wife (of 7 years now), felt about me early in our relationship, until she told me in literal words. From what you've written, I'd assume that you have a good understanding of ASD and autism, and I think that gives you a great chance to work on figuring out what's going on with your boyfriend.

The one thing I really believe MUST be there in order for a relationship to work (ASD-NT or between any two people), is communication. In your case and in my wife's case, it might be hard to deal with having to rely on words alone (and not on innuendo and facial expressions, which often don't have any connection whatsoever to what's being felt inside). I'm a little alarmed by his remark about "you have to figure it out for yourself", because if he were NT, that could be a BIG red flag indicating someone doesn't want to let communications grow together, and doesn't want to accept his half of the responsibility. But since it's ASD, it might not have meant that at all. That would be insensitive, and destructive, so I hope it wasn't meant that way.

If he is like me, he is MUCH more likely to understand things in writing, than verbally, and he might need some space & time to think it over. I strongly doubt that he would go strike up any new dating interests if he's at all like me, as I took about 15 years alone between dating. You might explain to him how you feel, and explain to him what you want if there is a future with the two of you together, and ask him to tell you what he would want.

Again, I'm not at all qualified to advise on any of this, and I apologize in advance if I'm giving any bad suggestions. I wish the best for you and for him; together with you if that's where it goes...

Charles

Thank you both very very much for your kind words and advice. It's lovely you took the time to do thatfor me and I'm truly grateful. Please don't worry about being qualified as you have the best qualification of all, experience. I would consider your opinion and views higher an more helpful than any professional, so please never apologise for anything.
More than anything I just want to be there for him. I'm scared he views himself as showing weakness admitting to having some things that have overwhelmed him to a point of needing to ask for a little help. I told him I do understand that feeling of losing control of your life and feeling controlled by dark thoughts and feelings. I also said how proud of him I am for asking for help as its one of the hardest yet bravest things you can ever do. I told him all the time how proud of him I am, maybe that led him to thinking I didn't mean it genuinely. I feel like its almost being blind in the relationship, fumbling in the dark hoping I'm getting it right. I love his literal mind and I've also used that way of thinking when sorting my own fears and concerns. It really has made me a stronger person. I just hope with all my heart he hasn't lost faith in me and he may consider giving us another chance. I'd understand if not though as I've let him down badly and trusting me again will probably go against what feels right.
Thank you again, and I hope you don't mind me dropping in to the future. Take care everyonex

(Thread moved from Autism discussion to L&D)

Thank you BlueMax, that makes things clearer and helps no end. Everyone who has replied, thank you thank you thank youx

You mention you let him down, but I don't understand how you have done this?

He trusted me enough to tell me about his asd. He thought I was worthy enough to him to know and now he'd rather not talk to me. I let him down by giving him advice about depression which I thought would help and all I did was insult him. He told me I obviously didn't care enough to find out what he's going through. I said that we shouldnt have to conform to what people deem as a "relationship", and just do what works for us as there's no right or wrong here. My suggestion of every 6-8 wks or so going to have some alone time to recharge and have his alone time did not go down well. He thought it wouldn't be a real relationship. But no one would need to know bar us. We could say its work related for example. He worried about how things would look where as I didn't really give a sh*t because its our lives no one else's. He said my life is full of too much drama, but, its beyond my control and I'd love a drama free life too!! If it even exists!! Again thank you for your help guys, its priceless to mex

He trusted me enough to tell me about his asd. He thought I was worthy enough to him to know and now he'd rather not talk to me. I let him down by giving him advice about depression which I thought would help and all I did was insult him. He told me I obviously didn't care enough to find out what he's going through. I said that we shouldnt have to conform to what people deem as a "relationship", and just do what works for us as there's no right or wrong here. My suggestion of every 6-8 wks or so going to have some alone time to recharge and have his alone time did not go down well. He thought it wouldn't be a real relationship. But no one would need to know bar us. We could say its work related for example. He worried about how things would look where as I didn't really give a sh*t because its our lives no one else's. He said my life is full of too much drama, but, its beyond my control and I'd love a drama free life too!! If it even exists!! Again thank you for your help guys, its priceless to mex

Hard to say... I don't think you did anything particularly offensive... you didn't belittle him, make light of his problems, expect him to be "like everyone else", etc... if offering advice is all you did, it just seems like he's a little over-sensitive to the subject... so long as he knows you'll be there for him and not judge harshly, he should come around fairly quickly.

Thank you BlueMax, you have really helped. And please everyone, if I can help in anyway, answering anything you want just ask. It's a comfort to know there's still lovely people in the world that helps others. Forever grateful.x

I'm with BlueMax on this one. It doesn't seem to me, that you have done anything discourteous. You suggested modification which you believed would benefit his situation and/or improve the relationship.

The intention was good, whether he sees it as such, or not. Depression is tough. Some people lash out to self protect, and what they instinctively believe is protecting others (i.e. I'm not good for you, you are better off without me).

Communication is key. Tell him you want to respect his boundaries, and that you care. That you are there for him when he is ready.

And just a tip...A lot of Aspie men tend to be over sensitive, say we pick fights and cause trouble. It comes with the job. Honestly.

Chin up. Have you heard of the Cassandra Affective Disorder?

If not, read up on it. It can help clarify a few things.

All the best.