What's it like for you to have a crush on someone?

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I'm specifically wondering about other women, but anyone can answer. When I really like a guy, I'm so fixated on them that it seems to disrupt my rational thinking. Recently, I've had a really intense crush on someone that has made me so anxious and very confused. I'd heard he may have had a crush on me too, even though he has a girlfriend, and that really messed me up because I didn't know how to react. Usually when I like someone, I'm pretty stand-offish around them (more than I usually am around some people) because I get so nervous that I don't know what to do. I essentially act like I don't even notice them, which obviously can't send the right signals, but I don't know how to send the right signals.

I thought that this person may have been flirting with me, and when I heard that he liked me too I felt that it basically confirmed what I was thinking, but now he's acting a little different. I decided that maybe I should try to send little hints that I like him by trying to make eye contact with him and talk to him more about himself. I even went so far as to give him a casual touch on the shoulder when I would say goodbye to him, but now I feel as though it may have made him uncomfortable because he isn't as flirty with me as he used to be. I don't understand the game of flirting and don't really like being flirted with, but I'm too much of a coward to just tell him that I like him, especially since he is dating someone and we also work together. Ultimately, I'm left feeling even more confused than before because I certainly don't know how to read him or interpret anything he does or says. I feel like I let myself down for even indulging in the fantasy and that I may have even been a little delusional about our interactions. Maybe I let the fantasy of him in my head take over too much? I don't know, but I do know that I get like this whenever I like someone and it's not doing me any good. I've only casually dated a couple of people and I thought that it would go somewhere, but never did. I apparently keep forgetting that I just don't know how to handle myself in these situations and feel that I can't trust my own judgement when it comes to romantic relationships because I feel flat out lost. And incredibly awkward.

What has your experience been like with crushes?

I get very fixated too.

The funny thing is that because I was never diagnosed, I fought really hard to overcome my socially awkward behavior and am now, at 42, totally fine with talking to people (doesn't mean I make friends, but I can hold a conversation. I just don't have lasting friendships. Anyways.)

I've been fighting so hard on overcoming my really awkward dating behavior too. But my goodness it's still very very impossible. I am just in the middle of a major crush - so I thought to myself, let me ask the guy out, can't be that difficult. He's new in town, I can help him find his way around, so we would have stuff to talk about while we figure things out. Right? Well we met 3 times, it was nice, I had fun, I think he had fun, but he hasn't replied my last text.

So I'm trying to be proactive and everything, without being too forward. But my goodness it's not going anywhere.

I'm totally fine with charming guys I have absolutely no interest in charming, btw.

I cant answer your question, since I am a male, and NT. But I did just post something about this topic. It's called NT male and Aspie female. It's just about a coworker who has told me she has PDD NOS, and has flirted intensely with me. Maybe you could read it and give your perspective. Thanks

I am male, but as an Aspie and someone who believes they understand why this happens, I may be able to offer some insight...

We know that we, as Aspies, tend to find something we enjoy, and fixate on it. My theory is that this also applies to people, not just activities. Therefore, if the person who is the object of our fixation doesn't reciprocate any interest, our interest doesn't stop. While I think this happens to NTs to some degree, I think it's worse for us...

In my younger years..the crush would be pretty much overbearing on everything I did. These days if I get a crush the girl is in the back of my mind, not the back and the front.

I agree with Pabalebo

With me it develops from a crush to a full blown obsession, especially when the subject of my attention doesn't reciprocate to a level I would like. The worst is that the crush can lat years if I am in contact with that person for the duration.

I'm trying to read books about the possibility of changing this.

So far...no success.

when uncertain of reciprocation v painful. Im going through this at the moment. I have asked guys out before but not the ones i work with. its high risk if you are in the same office.

years and years...

I manage to strike up a conversation with a woman, I listen to her talk and then the next week I'm ignored. If I enter the room she turns around and walks away. So somewhere into the following week I have missed something or send the wrong body language or didn't follow-up as expected.

For me, it starts as a little crush, then it becomes a bit of an obsession. I may start constantly thinking of the person, I may become overly jealous about that they do with other people, I may become upset easily, I become way too shy (even though I'm normally shy anyway)

Exquisite torture.

Disrupts rational thinking? Check. (It's frustrating, anxiety inducing, and is currently disrupting my work.)

Stand-offish due to nervousness? Check. (I don't talk to him directly unless I have something specific and unavoidable to ask him.)

Act like you don't notice them? Check. (In the beer garden at the pub last Friday, he sat right opposite me and I still managed to completely ignore his existence for nearly an hour, till he left and went home.)

Don't know how to send the right signals? Check. (At he time, I think I'm flirting, but then I look back and realise it's the same level of faking-being-an-NT friendliness I bestow on most people beyond the inner circle of people who know about my AS.)



Yes, yes and yes (though it was a quick squeeze of his knee while we were talking one day, and I still cringe a bit about possibly having crossed a line there...).



Work together? Check. It's a veritable minefield, isn't it?

Feeling worried/uneasy/upset over indulging the fantasy? Check.

Questioning whether you've read too much into his behaviour? Check.

Ummm, are you entirely sure you're not me?



Lost, questioning own judgement, awkward? Check, check, check.





I'm almost never sure about reciprocity, and the couple of attempts I've made at making my interest known to the object of my affection have been disastrous, so I'm scared off it. And being an office-based thing this time, I'm even more wary than normal. My company owns a whole precinct with a bunch of separate buildings, and the whole place is a hotbed of gossip. Someone sees you going to lunch with someone of the opposite sex, and within a couple of days there's a rumour (treated as fact) that you're sleeping together. I really don't want to be dragged into that.


My experience with crushes: better when I was in high school and uni, when aspies and NTs alike were still a bit awkward with each other when it came to romance and dating and such. My first boyfriend was a long-time crush whom I managed to screw up the guts to send a (really lame) text message to - he responded by asking me out. Second boyfriend was a crush, too, though not as intense as some have been. We were sitting in the park eating lunch, I held his gaze for an extra second (that took some serious effort, and was anxiety-inducing), and the next thing you know he's kissing me. I thought dating was easy. Ha.

But eight years have passed since then, and my peers seem to be speaking a different language to me now. I can't tell whether someone likes me, and I don't know how to non-overtly signal to someone that I'm interested. My current crush is the company wunderkid - same age as me, and at least a decade younger than all the other guys at his level. He has some pretty strong aspie tendencies at times (his nickname amongst the management is Sheldon, as in TBBT), which makes him even harder to read. I'm not sure whether he likes me as a friend, or romantically, or whether he's shamming in order to get me to do his work for him (he wouldn't be the first to do that).

It's exhausting and distracting and I'm constantly panicked that one of our colleagues will cotton on to my big, fat aspie crush and tell the whole division. What started as a few harmless daydreams about him has spiralled out of control. With AS, crushes are seriously inconvenient

I haven't had one in 3 years now, but when I had them they used to be really distracting and I'd find myself devoting much of my day thinking and obsessing over them. They played havoc on my anxiety level; getting really anxious when interacting with them, seeing them and some such things, fear of them thinking I'm a crazy stalker type, fear of them leaving (if they're a friend) and my one-sided emotional investment in them.

I'm trying to avoid having crushes ever again as the energy spent on them (with no return) should be better spent on finding someone who might actually like me back.

I find it painful to have a crush on someone because I know I'll never work up the nerve to ask her out. Usually the only girls that I meet and get to know a bit are those who work at the two places I frequent for a couple of meals on the weekend. I think even NTs would find it awkward to ask someone out who is at work. But I can't help but develop a crush on them, then spend too much time thinking about us together in some idyllic way where everything is going great, good chemistry, develops to a long term relationship, etc. Then every time I see them I get a reality check and see that they're probably just being nice because of the situation (I'm a customer) and they likely think I'm a bit weird; nice but not really what they're looking for, and they're far more likely to go out with someone who is more extroverted, converses more naturally with good body language, is less awkward and someone who is always surrounded by friends rather than alone. So then over time the crush erodes until I finally accept that the idea of us being together is kind of a joke, then I feel crappy for a few weeks. Crushes are no fun! I wish I could avoid them... And even though I know how crappy I'll feel at the end, it's not enough to convince myself to go for it at the start.

I think I've just had the first crush I've had in a long time, and I feel alive again. I wish I could put it into words, but as an adult all I can tell you is when you feel like this after you've reached a comfortable point in your life somewhat, it's amazing.