Asking if someone has Aspergers

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Hey all,
I have a friend I've worked with for the past several years, but I've also had romantic feelings for him for the past two years. I greatly value his friendship in my life. Like many, my 20-somethings have been eye-opening, and I've learned along the way how much I truly appreciate genuine people, such as my friend, in my life and I certainly don't want to lose his friendship. I've often wondered whether my friend has Aspergers. I'm neurotypical. Not that I'm seeking a diagnosis here, but he has several habits that seem to fit. He has trouble with eye contact and relies on a day-to-day routine. There are other habits and mannerism that would seem to suggest Aspergers.

A year or so ago I explicitly told him I had feelings for him and that I'd like to date. His response was that he doesn't date - something he related to how it may affect his routine. I'm sure there's more to what makes dating difficult for him, but I didn't want to push the matter as I felt I had already caught him off guard.

I really want to have two conversations with him. First, I want to ask if he has Aspergers or is on the spectrum. I feel close enough to him as a friend that I feel I should be able to have a conversation with him, but I'm still worried that I will offend him. Is this a horribly offensive question to explicitly ask? I'm wondering if anyone here can give me thoughts on whether you'd be offended if someone asked whether you're on the spectrum, and I'm also open to ideas in terms of starting this conversation.

Second, I'd really like to talk with him about dating again and let him know that I understand why he may be wary of dating, but that I truly believe dating doesn't have to mean sacrificing personal security. Ultimately, I know my timidness is holding me back, but I'd still appreciate thoughts and suggestions.

It's not that I care whether or not he Aspergers or that I need an explanation for some of his more peculiar habits. In fact, some of his peculiarities are what I like most about him. I like that he says what's on his mind and doesn't shy away from telling people how he sees things - good or bad. And I like that he places a great deal of importance on taking care of himself even if that means he needs solo time - I think that's a good quality in a person. If he has Aspergers, I'm sure it plays a part in these habits, but I want him to know that I like him simply because his characteristics are what defines him as him, not because Aspergers may manifest into these habits.

I'd love any thoughts and suggestions from people on the spectrums and NTs alike. Thanks for reading.

if someone asked me, i'd feel that they should have known that if i'd wanted to share that, i would have. it would put me in a bad situation, not wanting to lie, but not wanting to disclose. i would not appreciate the question.

I agree with cathylynn. If someone asked me I would be honest with them about it, but at the same time it's the kind of information I'm not comfortable sharing with many people and it would kind of put me on the spot.

I'm more the opposite, I don't mind if people know. Most people are pretty cool with it. Then again I'm a very open person, even though it does get me in trouble sometimes (I don't think Aspies were meant to be extroverts).

I think there'd be people who'd like it kept secret though.

I wouldn't mind disclosing it... especially if the NT doesn't know why the relationship is so difficult for both the NT and AS

If the NT knows that he/she has aspergers, then things can work out

What if he has never suspected that he might be on the spectrum?

the first question is a hard one indeed.
i myself dont mind people asking me, since if they suspect i am on the spectrum, they'd know more about it then your typical layman and wont put stereotypical assumptions on me, and i'd admit to the correctness of their guess.

however, it is indeed a definite posibility that your friend doesn't know himself, in which case, such a question/comment can come off as very rude.
you might want to bring it up carefully, something like "i found this webpage, and it seems to match you, perhaps you should read it too" (referring to, for example, wrongplanet, but any other autism/aspergers infopage or blog will do the trick), and make him make the combination.
if he knows he is on the spectrum, he will probarbly take the hint that you now know too; if he doesn't know, he will less likely be offended, and perhaps find out more about himself. (both assuming he actually is on the spectrum, there's always the chance that he isn't).


as for the second question; perhaps you could rephrase the offer/question to him.
he is afraid to date he says, which seems fair, it is a change in routine, and also a scary thing to do if it is the first time.
you might want to ask him to simply 'hang out' for a while, or to 'join you in activity X'. this will not make it a date, and he might be more inclined to agree. go slow, start off as friends

Hello,
Not sure if someone here can help shed some light on my "question" (not really a question I guess), but I'll post here anyways.

The main question is whether or not I should ask a friend of mine (who I've dated for a while) if he has asperger's. It it NOT because i need a label, but because it would help me see some of our interactions through a different prism. He's opened my mind in ways I can't explain, and i have nothing but respect for him. I also believe he would like to tell me, but the anxiety keeps him from doing so. So he just chooses to keep me at arms length, but also maintain himself around.

About 1 year ago, I met a man (31) who at first just came across as reserved, extremely intelligent, "polished", a bit eccentric, introspective, and...

In fact, "wired differently", was one of the first words I used to describe him in a seemingly neutral conversation we had. I was driving him home, and all of a sudden he started describing, with specific details, the traffic patterns, why certain drivers stay on a lane, how that related to their "aggressiveness" in driving...etc...he also knew exactly where some of the pot holes were, and just seemed to know that piece of the road like the back of his hand. I thought it was different, but interesting.

On another occasion, I picked him up for dinner and noticed that he was making a type of a "fist", while mildly and repetitively rubbing the inside of his index finger with his thumb. I thought "maybe he is a bit anxious with this date". Being my "chatty" self, I told him I had got an interview for a great position...it took him a few minutes to respond. Unknowingly, I looked at him smiling and said..."humm...please say something"...he did...he said "i'm just thinking here...how did you found this job. Does your current employer know that you're looking? I'm asking because i also want to change my job but don't know how I can do it..."

Most of the time, it was me trying to engage him without overwhelming. I managed to identify a few things that he was interested in and he would talk way more. I loved it when he talked. So intelligent and poised.

There were many other instances that made me think of the "wired differently" description, but never that he was an aspie (I still don't know for sure). He has a very statuesque and somewhat rigid posture. He sometimes stares a lot, but at unexpected things. Very perceptive (almost uncanny).

Nonetheless, I very much like this man. I would like to get closer while still respecting his "world". I too like my alone time, to the point that some of my friends have told me I'm a bit weird. I've managed to get in his world just a bit, that means...he talked...about things that matter to him (or bother him).

He's helped me with some PhD application things. I wrote my statements of purpose and he proofread and gave me feedback as well. He is so kind, and sensitive in his own way.

One of the things I appreciate the most, which I think is what "bothers" some people the most is the fact that he is BLUNT. COMPLETELY HONEST. Whether you can hear that and not take it personally is a different matter. I'll take direct honesty any day over "lies". I have my own reasons.

We dated for some time. Then we didn't date (no drama...we just stopped). He also mentioned something along the lines of his routine and demanding/stressful job being the reasons. Then he said, "my job is something I choose to do...I can't blame it on that" I have to admit I was a bit confused with the statement. He said he liked hanging out and me, but that he thought I deserved somebody who talked more and could spend more time with me. Funny thing is that I am too hands off in relationships, to my own demise sometimes, and I never asked him for the "extra" time. He also gave me an entire list of things he does on a daily basis with their respective times.

We kept in touch throughout and he seems to like that I reach out to him.

Then a few months later...we went on another date. I know that he feels really comfortable around me, he enjoys the company...he wants to stay around even when I have to leave...BUT...then it's back to "withdrawal". He is so different face to face, than he is on phone/e-mail. He is extremely formal when he writes.

I finally told him...after ONE YEAR that I liked him and gave him a specific list of attributes as to the "why". He is very rational. We still talk...but all he said was "it's ok to be upset. We want different things. etc" And we still talk to this day...and he managed to give me some very meaningful compliments since then. I AM PUZZLED.

My question is...I have never asked him, or introduced the idea of Aspergers to him. Would it be completely out of line, or offensive if I approached it somehow? I'd love to be his friend, at least.

PS: he has been climbing at a rock gym for over 10 years. I have been at the same gym for about 1 year. He told me he doesn't know anyone at the gym. Never talked to anyone there. The other day, one of the people who work at the front desk, described him to me (different story for another day). She was very nice and respectful, but that's when I realized he may actually have Aspergers and it's not only me trying to come up with an excuse.

I apologize for the long entry and appreciate any feedback.

Sounds to me like he doesn't want to date you and was trying to let you down gently with an excuse. I don't see how accusing him of having AS will change that.

true, very true...
but in my experience and through observation when that's the case, a guy will want to be as far away as possible now that he stated his position. He doesn't hang around, help out, and pay you "formal" compliments.

But, all in all...I'd rather have him around as a friend than not at all.

watch the movie Adam (2009) http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1185836/ together and ask him what he thinks of the guy.

nwbound,

There's a good chance that your friend has Asperger's. As you can see from other posts, Aspies had a hard time lying even when it's the best thing to do. Don't ask him. While most Aspies are proud of the fact, they also know that the average person thinks of Aspies as people who shoot up schools. (Most of us hardly ever do, but for NTs emotion trumps statistics, especially for those who can't understand basic statistics.)

If you want to bring up the question, make some really wide circles around it. For instance, mention a few of his Aspie virtues and comment that he's very different from most people. He might want to tell you at that point. On the other hand, he might look a little freaked out. If the latter, drop it forever, or until he brings it up, if that will ever happen.

I hope you read this before you show him a wikipedia article on it. I think that's a bad idea, because it's too close to asking him outright.

You should know that some Aspies are asexual or very nearly so. Some have a hard time being touched. However, the rest of us are uniformly so good in bed that any NT lucky enough to find that out first hand will be ruined for other NTs forever.

One good thing about your situation is that a woman asking an Aspie for a date works better than a woman asking an NT man for a date. An Aspie is far less likely to be upset by what many NTs feel is an emasculating role-reversal. An aspie is also less likely to jump to the conclusion that the woman is, um, overly available.

When he says he doesn't date because it might affect his routines, he means exactly that. Of course, there was a time when he didn't have his current routines, so it's not impossible to change something in them.

catepierre,

I have no doubt that your friend is an Aspie. Don't ask him. etc., etc., [most of what I said to nwbound].

Your friend might feel awkward about dating. There are things about dating and such that NTs know by instinct or osmosis or whatever secret method your kind has for learning them that an Aspie might not know at all. It's okay to take the lead as long as you're not aggressive about it. For instance, if you want a goodnight kiss, ask him for one. But don't just kiss him. That can scare any guy, confuse him, or give him wrong ideas. Just preparing to be kissed probably won't work with him. He might not notice at all, or he might wonder why you look like you're about to start whistling.

Good luck.

One more thing: how long can you turn an awkward silence into a comfortable silence?

For myself at least, sometimes nobody saying anything can be very satisfying. Some of the most intimate conversations I ever had weren't conversations at all.

Thank YOU! MrKnowItAll!

I can go on and on in silence and be very comfortable with it...I've done this with him...and I've done this in my dozens of trips, by myself, in the middle of nowhere...the latest one being, driving through the Mojave Desert going towards the Grand Canyon by myself...trust you me...I can have long moments of meaningful silence.

It seems after all that I should REALLY not ask him whether or not he has AS. But I must say...I am very, very curious (morbidlly). I know it doesn't sound good... but at least i am being honest.

we'll see...we'll see..

I never know what really stirs his waters...but he is still initiating and/or responding to my contacts...

damn! I should've done this when i could...

MrKnowItAll,
just as a follow up to your comment. Why is it that you say you have no doubt my friend has Asperger's?

just curious...