New here...REALLY need some insights! To ask or not to ask..

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Hello,
Not sure if someone here can help shed some light on my "question" (not really a question I guess), but I'll post here anyways.

The main question is whether or not I should ask a friend of mine (who I've dated for a while) if he has asperger's. It it NOT because i need a label, but because it would help me see some of our interactions through a different prism. He's opened my mind in ways I can't explain, and i have nothing but respect for him. I also believe he would like to tell me, but the anxiety keeps him from doing so. So he just chooses to keep me at arms length, but also maintain himself around.

About 1 year ago, I met a man (31) who at first just came across as reserved, extremely intelligent, "polished", a bit eccentric, introspective, and...

In fact, "wired differently", was one of the first words I used to describe him in a seemingly neutral conversation we had. I was driving him home, and all of a sudden he started describing, with specific details, the traffic patterns, why certain drivers stay on a lane, how that related to their "aggressiveness" in driving...etc...he also knew exactly where some of the pot holes were, and just seemed to know that piece of the road like the back of his hand. I thought it was different, but interesting.

On another occasion, I picked him up for dinner and noticed that he was making a type of a "fist", while mildly and repetitively rubbing the inside of his index finger with his thumb. I thought "maybe he is a bit anxious with this date". Being my "chatty" self, I told him I had got an interview for a great position...it took him a few minutes to respond. Unknowingly, I looked at him smiling and said..."humm...please say something"...he did...he said "i'm just thinking here...how did you found this job. Does your current employer know that you're looking? I'm asking because i also want to change my job but don't know how I can do it..."

Most of the time, it was me trying to engage him without overwhelming. I managed to identify a few things that he was interested in and he would talk way more. I loved it when he talked. So intelligent and poised.

There were many other instances that made me think of the "wired differently" description, but never that he was an aspie (I still don't know for sure). He has a very statuesque and somewhat rigid posture. He sometimes stares a lot, but at unexpected things. Very perceptive (almost uncanny).

Nonetheless, I very much like this man. I would like to get closer while still respecting his "world". I too like my alone time, to the point that some of my friends have told me I'm a bit weird. I've managed to get in his world just a bit, that means...he talked...about things that matter to him (or bother him).

He's helped me with some PhD application things. I wrote my statements of purpose and he proofread and gave me feedback as well. He is so kind, and sensitive in his own way.

One of the things I appreciate the most, which I think is what "bothers" some people the most is the fact that he is BLUNT. COMPLETELY HONEST. Whether you can hear that and not take it personally is a different matter. I'll take direct honesty any day over "lies". I have my own reasons.

We dated for some time. Then we didn't date (no drama...we just stopped). He also mentioned something along the lines of his routine and demanding/stressful job being the reasons. Then he said, "my job is something I choose to do...I can't blame it on that" I have to admit I was a bit confused with the statement. He said he liked hanging out and me, but that he thought I deserved somebody who talked more and could spend more time with me. Funny thing is that I am too hands off in relationships, to my own demise sometimes, and I never asked him for the "extra" time. He also gave me an entire list of things he does on a daily basis with their respective times.

We kept in touch throughout and he seems to like that I reach out to him.

Then a few months later...we went on another date. I know that he feels really comfortable around me, he enjoys the company...he wants to stay around even when I have to leave...BUT...then it's back to "withdrawal". He is so different face to face, than he is on phone/e-mail. He is extremely formal when he writes.

I finally told him...after ONE YEAR that I liked him and gave him a specific list of attributes as to the "why". He is very rational. We still talk...but all he said was "it's ok to be upset. We want different things. etc" And we still talk to this day...and he managed to give me some very meaningful compliments since then. I AM PUZZLED.

My question is...I have never asked him, or introduced the idea of Aspergers to him. Would it be completely out of line, or offensive if I approached it somehow? I'd love to be his friend, at least.

PS: he has been climbing at a rock gym for over 10 years. I have been at the same gym for about 1 year. He told me he doesn't know anyone at the gym. Never talked to anyone there. The other day, one of the people who work at the front desk, described him to me (different story for another day). She was very nice and respectful, but that's when I realized he may actually have Aspergers and it's not only me trying to come up with an excuse.

I apologize for the long entry and appreciate any feedback.

Don't flat out ask him what his emotional feelings are for you. It will catch him off guard.

You should speak to him directly and formally. Say something like, "are you familiar with or ever heard of the concept of Asperger's?" If he's fairly successful in life, he may have had no reason to ever research the concept. He may take offense, so you'll have to clarify that it doesn't mean mental retardation. And of course, he may not even have AS. Then again, he may say he's researched it and feels it applies/doesn't apply to him.

Then, afterward, you should tell him, still in formal fashion, "I still have feelings for you and am open to perhaps taking it slow and seeing where it goes. And if you're not interested, I understand, but would still like to remain friends."

Be formal, direct, but don't come on too strong.

That's how I'd personally want to talked to if in his shoes. Of course, I'm not him.

Thank you.
I think that I will probably just allow him to tell me (if he indeed has Asperger's).

It seems to be a consensus that I shouldn't really ask.
1- It can potentially offend him
2- He may feel forced to tell me the truth (he doesn't really know how to lie) and will put him in a difficult place
3- He may not have it at all which can unleash a million thougths in his head. And at 31, and being the introspective thinker he is, I'm not sure it'd feel great.

4- I must admit that I've had crossing thoughts that this could be me just trying to satisfy my own desire to know...very SELFISH...would this really help him, or me? I really want to believe that I'd do this for the right reasons, but until I'm not 101% sure, I should probably leave it alone.

However, if I choose to approach him, I will take your advice. I'm usually good at being direct, but diplomatic (not really a fan of hurting people's feelings)....so I would probably not ask him flat out.

Thank YOU!